12/21

I prayed today.

Argh!

So I'm having a bit of a problem. I desperately want to write and feel like I'm going to burst with all I have to say, from my surgery to recent experiences to my family to upcoming Christmas to my little random tidbits that I inevitably have. I even have plenty of time to write, which is generally the main thing working against me. So what is the problem then you ask. Ah. Yes, well, you see I currently only have use of one of my arms, thankfully my right, dominant, one. My left is in a splint/cast from my knuckles to my mid upper arm. Ergo, I am chicken-pecking (a big pet peeve of mine) with just one hand. This is proving to be very time consuming and prone to typos. (For example, what I have written to this point has taken me nine minutes. Yes, I timed it. The use of the backspace key proved to be impossible to count.) So though I am irritated to the extreme with all of this, I;m afraid this will have to suffice for now. I'll include some pictures (sans captions, just to keep you guessing) to liven things up a bit. 

A brief exclamation, often containing only one word: “Oh!” “Gee!” “Good grief!” “Ouch!”

So this is a bit of an interjection - both as an exclamation and as a thrown in the middle sort of thing - to the other post. Just a I need to write or I'll lose my mind sort of thing.

I am a mess. Absolutely. Why? I'm not entirely sure myself. But I know that I'm angry and hurt and upset and feeling awfully directionless. I had a bit of a confrontation with Stacie tonight. I was in my room and she in hers, when she came in to talk about some Christmas present for Brent. I had been, and still was, crying and she noticed saying What's wrong? I kind of shrugged and said something along the lines of Oh life, to which she responded by proceeding to talk about what she had come into the room for. I tried to respond as necessary, until I couldn't because I kept crying. Ugh. So she asked again what was wrong and I attempted to try to tell her. She was fiddling with her shirt and flipping open her phone and slowly inching back to her door the entire time. Now granted I am a bit of an emotional wreck at the time and I already had all of these pent up feelings toward her. So they kind of.....came out. Not nearly as eloquently as they have been formed in my head over the past several months. Not at all. And I didn't say everything that was bothering me, but I'm assuming she got the gist. It's hard telling though, seeing as how she shook her head and walked into her room with a I'm not dealing with this, and shutting the door. I waited for a few minutes to try to calm down but then went to her room to try to talk to her. She was already on the phone when I went in so I waited for her to get off before trying to tell her where all of this was coming from. She doesn't care. At all. Good grief that hurts. More than everything else that I was already upset about. I said that I hated not having a sister for the past several months to which I got a pair of rolling eyes. For saying that she had no idea what was going on in my life and that she didn't care, I got a shaking of her head and another glance at the cell phone. I can't keep doing this. Tomorrow is the day for cutting ties, so maybe I'll attempt to toss that one aside as well. Only family don't tend to be easy to get rid of.

Argh. As usual, understand that this is just a lot of frustration coming out. I hate only writing when I'm upset or angry, but that seems to be all that I've done lately. I'm sorry for that. There are joys in my life, but right now I'm in a bit of a valley. And writing is my most productive/beneficial way of dealing with it.

For something of a happier note, I'll include this. I went on a wonderfully romantic date Friday night. I know, some of you are probably frantically checking this page to make sure you are on the right person's blog. Yeah yeah. But I did, and it was fun. A cabin by a pond, christmas lights and a campfire, a meal with wine, music and impromptu pseudo-ice skating, and the unplanned adventure of catching the deck on fire. And of course good conversation with a good friend. But it's a bit bittersweet I suppose, because that's all that he is to me. A good friend. I'm pretty sure at least. Oof. So no, I'm not 'dating' anyone. Nor do I think I will be for awhile. I've realized in thinking about all of this that my life is a bit too much of a mess right now to be asking anyone else to be a part of it. I need to learn what I believe in, find something to grasp hold of, get rid of this bitterness, etc first. And that's going to take a good amount of work and time. Which brings my mind back to all that I was thinking about beforehand, but writing all of this has helped. Thanks for suffering through all of my insanities with me friends, it means a lot.

Oh, a sort of ps. Several of you know this already, but some of you do not. I have wanted to see the musical Wicked for several years now. Well, I found out earlier this year that it was coming to Indianapolis. I was of course psyched. The tickets went on sale October 15th but I didn't buy any because the small snag of a driving inhibiting surgery came up. Argh. I asked Mom and Stacie several times if they would be interested in going, but neither of them really seemed it and I don't want to make them do something they don't want to. So. It opens December 15th (this Wednesday) and the last day is January first. I really still want to go, but am afraid to buy tickets if I can't. So this is just me wondering if anyone would be interested in seeing it. No pressure, it's a bit pricey, and I know some of you have already seen it. Just throwing it out there. Night friends.

Part I

Argh! Of course, been wanting to get on here for awhile, it just hasn't seemed to happen. Blah blah, we all know the routine.

Some fun facts for you: this morning Terre Haute was the coldest place in the nation. For realz. I thought that was pretty cool, and pretty random. It has been dang cold here lately though. Ugh. Funny story on that note - I scraped off my car to drive to Danville Monday morning (my dad, being the awesome dad that he is, started it for me way before I had to leave), but I only scraped where I needed to be able to see, figuring that the rest would melt once I got going, as it usually does. Ha. Yeah, I was that fool driving around in a car that only has the driver's side of the windshield clear. Apparently when it's below freezing outside ice doesn't melt. Whoda thunk. There's a picture of when it was snowing; most all of this snow is still here because it hasn't got warm enough to melt it.

This is (thankfully) the last week of classes. Phew. I've actually only had about half of what I normally do, didn't even have to drive to D-ville yesterday because we didn't have class. I had my last actual class today, tomorrow I have my final test-out for skills lab, then next week I have a paper to turn in online, and only have to go to Danville once, on Wednesday, for my patho/pharm final. Woot! The end is in sight. Well, at least the end of this semester. Only three more to go..../:

So there are quite a few things I want to write about and, surprisingly, a lot of them have pictures. One is silly but makes me happy. When Thanksgiving break started I put school and all things related completely out of my mind. For some strange reason I got on a cleaning kick, and one thing that I cleaned was our cereal cabinet. I found a box of stale cheerios and instead of just throwing them outside like most people would, I decided hey, it's close-ish to Christmas, I should make a cheerio chain. So that's what I did. I don't think I ever realized just how long those things take. I only used about half of what was left of the box and the string was twice my height. I have no idea how long it took me. But I decided to be done with it, took it outside and hung it in a tree (which is quite the struggle for someone my height), and took a picture. Voila!

So it's kind of hard to see and it looks a little pitiful, but I sure had fun. This was of course pre-snow.

There's plenty more to write about, but I think this will have to do for now. Consider it part one of promised epic entry. Stay tuned for part two!

The best laid plans....

So I keep having these big plans for writing stuff down in here but guess what? They fall through. Who'da thunk? I think that has to be one of my biggest faults - making plans, dreaming dreams, but not following them through. Anyway, this isn't a negative post. Nope nope nope. Rather it's your sneak preview to the epic (planned for weeks) post.

So today was our first day back to school and such after a week off for break. Ugh! Technically we've been off for about a week and a half - I finished Thursday around noon of the week before last. Some of us were talking today and we'd almost rather they'd just make us push through and then end a week earlier. It's hard to actually get anything done over break, especially those who got to go home for the first time in months, and it's hard to leave those people and come back to classes. But we'll survive.

For some unknown reason one of my teachers today decided to show us an episode of Hawthorne RN that seemed to be an attempt to scare us off of nursing. This isn't really true - well, watching the episode is but the scare tactics aren't. It was just hard to watch the struggles that the nurses went through and feel real motivated/excited about what we'll be doing in a year or so. That, combined with the first day back, plus having two patients instead of one in clinical (first time we've had two), plus stepping out of class at 4:30 to a pitch black sky and rain was enough to make today a not so fun day. I realize that I hate getting up and leaving before the sun gets up and coming home after it has already set for the night. Yes, I realize that many people do that everyday and that I best get used to it for when I'm a big kid in the real world, but for now I'm going to gripe about it.

Some fun things that you will (hopefully) see in the next post: outcomes of apartment hunting, adventures of a trip to Chicago, Christmas hopes and plans (there's that dratted word again), and other such fun-ness. I hope you are all well and that this will satiate some of your terrible hunger for my amazing and eventful life. (This, of course, is sarcasm. I do appreciate you reading though, as un-hungry as you may be.)

Please also excuse the ridiculous wording and rambling in this. It's been a long day and I should really be in bed. Night friends :)

Randoms!

So I figured I'd write a little short something in here to kind of push that last entry down the page a bit, I know it's kind of a debby downer post. Anyway....some of you may be here for the first time or just coming back to this after a long time. I just recently set my privacy settings tighter so this isn't open for anybody in the world to read. I don't know how long that'll last, but for now that's what I'm doing. So I sent out some invites to people who already do read this and some who I thought, meh, they make find it amusing :) Feel no obligation to read it or anything, just thought that way the opportunity would be out there. So! It's been a good week, nothing too much to write about though. Big things: finished my (icky) weekend class today, found out the sable is un-fixable (ergo feel awful, put my parents out of another car), got to spend some time with both danville and home friends which is nice, talked to jill about looking for an apt by myself so pretty positive that's going to happen (which I am psyched about! more to come later), got (surprisingly) good grades on my stuff I got back this week, saw a new doc and kind of found out some interesting stuff on that (again, more to come later), kind of planning an Arkansas trip over break, and thanksgiving break is only like 2 weeks away!!! Yeah, as you can probably tell, I'm tired but like I said, figured I'd write something in here for those of you who may not have even known this existed. Oh and woot for daylight savings, we kind of get an extra hour of sleep tonight! Maybe Mitch did do some things right.... Well I suppose that's all for tonight friends!

I think I'll move to Australia....

It's kind of a funny thing - I have refused to let myself fall and have become so entirely accustomed to that way of thinking. I'm trying to somewhat let go of that though because in truth I know that it is not correct, nor is it healthy. So then I find myself starting to feel, just a little, and with that comes a hesitant fall. And then of course as life would have it, something happens and I am snapped back to my resolute way of thinking. I find myself with several reasons at ready for why I have chosen this, why it is the best thing for all parties involved. I've no idea how to remedy this, or if it is something that I actually desire. A friend of mine said to me offhandedly the other day that I was going to be an expensive wife, referring to my medical issues. I told him that that was one of the reasons that I wasn't going to get married. He thought I was joking. But it's the truth. I do have several reasons for why I say that, but that is one of the major ones. I see what my problems do to my parents, the mental, emotional, physical, and financial stress that it puts on them. They didn't have a choice; I was born to them and became their responsibility. Granted, they could have disregarded my complaints, told me things weren't a problem, and just let me be sans doctors. But they are phenomenal parents. And that wasn't even an option to them. So they have spent uncountable hours, dollars, and tears on me, none of which I can give back. The financial aspect I plan to do my best towards. Once I graduate nursing school I plan to immediately get a job. I'll have rent, insurance, phone, loan repayments, and such. But I will be supporting only myself, no family, so I plan to support my parents, to repay them what little I can to relieve some of the financial burdens I have unintentionally placed on them. That's another reason against marriage. And I know what I have done to them. I can't take that back and I can't ask them to stop. But I can prevent another person I love to have to go through the same things. I don't want to be in love and see that person feel guilt or pain or have to sacrifice anything in their life because of me. And I know that that would happen. I don't want to have children and see them suffer as well that way. Or to pass on anything that I have and see them go through life like this. It would be utter selfishness for me to do such things. And I would rather miss out on things like love and marriage and a family such as that than put them through this. I can do this. Holy crap I can't do this. I'm sick of having to pull myself up and through again and again. I'm too tired to, too worn out. Is there an end? Not one that I can see. I got a corticosteroid injection today, hurt incredibly bad and still does. I scheduled my next surgery. Well, didn't pick the exact day, that'll happen in the next couple days. But it'll be mid-December, the 16th in all likelihood. I thought I was done with this. I don't want to be doing this crap during nursing school. Didn't want to. Now, a surgery in December, another bone cut, a plate and 7 screws. Then, within the next 10 years, another more intense surgery, this time on the radius. Then, sometime into the future after that, there will in all probability have to be a third one, a partial fusion of my wrist bones. For those of you who may be thinking that I'm just being dramatic and blowing things out of proportion, I'm not. I may be woe is me, but I'm not a liar nor am I the type of person to exaggerate about health issues. Desire to be the opposite. So here I am. I hurt on the inside and out and I don't know how to make it stop. I drive to Detroit on Friday for another round of all the tests and such with Wolford. I have to talk to him about it, have to figure out why it hasn't healed, have to figure out how to fix it. I'm not big enough for this.

But I am and I know it. I know this will worry those of you who actually make it through reading this whole thing. But I am fine. This is here for me and writing out all this junk helps me. It may make me come across as a crazy depressed weirdo (all of which are true to their own extent, but not in an intense combo), but I'm not. I suppose you're allowed to think that, but I'm really okay. It's just been a rough day and this was the major part of it. (Other part included a straight drive to Danville from Indy, an hour and a half late for class, and a patho/pharm test which I despise in general. We won't get into all of that though :)So, thanks for reading (it's okay if you skimmed, really) and hopefully there'll be a perkier entry soon. Oh, and I changed around some of the songs if you ever listen to those. Oh and if anyone gets the title, let me know :)

Hands

So I've been meaning to write in here pretty much all week, but haven't done so. That's pretty much the concise description of my week - good intentions, but no follow through. Not entirely true, but that's my attitude towards it all. And I've been wanting to change the layout of this thing (again) but every time I find one that I like, I realize it's going to take a little more effort than just plopping it in here; I'll need to make little tweaks and changes and such. So I keep reverting back to the original basically because I'm lazy. But brace yourself for dizziness if you get on here regularly, I daresay one day I'll overcome the laziness and then it'll change a lot. More than once.

So we're approaching Saturday again. Good grief. On Sunday nights I generally have this clenched stomach, there's no way I can make it through the whole week sort of feeling. And then it's Thursday and I'm walking out of lab in a daze, wondering where the week went. Monday thru Thursday honestly feel like they fly by. And if I haven't done enough things during the week to keep me on top of things or ahead (ha, yeah right) then I am frantic and scrambling to catch up come Saturday night and Sunday. Yeah, you're probably thinking what happened to Thursday and Friday? Oh, they happen, they just generally happen with me in a veg state accomplishing nothing. I think it's necessary for my health, but if I'm honest with myself it's not at all. Tomorrow is going to be nuts/stressed out time because I really haven't done anything school wise at all this week. We're all kind of burnt out at this point. Nursing school is no longer new and exciting, it's just time consuming and frustrating. I am constantly having to remind myself why I am doing this and that it is worth it. Sometimes I'm not very good at persuasion though.

This next week is going to be awful. Quite the attitude, eh? But really. I have a paper due Monday that I haven't started on, a patho/pharm exam Wednesday that I haven't even glanced at the material for, a test-out on Thursday that I put out of my mind as soon as I stepped out of lab last week and haven't thought of since, plus all the normal clinical and class stuff. The real biggies are appointments though: normal dentist Tuesday (which shouldn't be too bad, just not looking forward to the holding the mouth open and them screwing around with it part), Tuesday night going to spend the night in Indy to get up early on Wednesday for a "Difficult Problem Meeting" with like 10 docs to decide my fate (dramatic, mostly for comical sake), then going to Wolford on Friday (I had to schedule the appt for noon which is going to mean like a 3am morning). Driving Detroit by myself which is going to be pretty much awful, but I've done it before. At least it's at the end of the week. Sorry about the negativity, it's just all weighing on me. But I'll make it, I always do :)

This Thursday Mom and I went to a dinner/workshop about chronic pain, FM, and CFS stuff. It was honestly pretty interesting. It's always difficult for me to sit through that kind of stuff, to listen to all the junk and to not be cynical about the doctors. He actually kind of impressed me though I am still pretty skeptical. He's technically a chiropractor but he also has a masters in nutrition and another one in something else that escapes me right now. He's into holistic care, discovering and treating the cause rather than the symptoms which is awesome and in my experience rare. He does a lot of nutrition/diet stuff, finding out food allergies and sensitivities, things that he calls stressors that trigger and cause a lot of the symptoms. It's interesting for sure, but some of it still sounds kind of hokey to me. He had some sort of deal if you were at the workshop so I scheduled an appt for 11/3 for just twenty bucks which includes most all of the testing and a follow up appt to discuss the results. Will update on that when it comes.

Thursday I also went around with Jill looking at apartments in Danville and the surrounding little towns. It was really pretty much unproductive, but good to spend some time with her outside of classes. She'll be okay to live with. There's a couple other people we may have live with us who are looking for roommates now plus she has a friend from where she's from, he's starting the program in May. We'll figure something out. I need to be more proactive about looking and contacting places though.

I continue to be upset with Stacie. And I continue to not approach her about it. She's going to the wedding as well tomorrow - it'll be the first time I've actually spent time with her in probably over a month. Did I mention we live in the same house? I need to let go of my bitterness towards her. It's just hurting me and I'm not accomplishing anything with it. It's hard though. But I know I cannot change her. And it's not fair for me to hold her up to my standards, to what I think is right (although I think my position is fairly justified). I need to work on letting it all go.

This seems like such the depressing post, which it is not intended to be. I have many good things too, it just seems easier for me to vent about the bad. I am doing well in my classes which is awesome. It helps me to lose some of the intimidation I have with nursing school, the blocks I had all during my past experiences. There are still things that I feel intimidated by, things that frustrate me, things that wear me out (that's pretty much and all-inclusive category....), but I am encouraged by my small accomplishments, which do happen, and by the friends I have there. It's pretty neat. And little life things, like getting to talk to friends. Getting to spend a pretty good amount of time with Dylan which is something I've basically missed out on for years. He an amazing though certainly not flawless kid. He's called me mom a couple times on accident recently, which I'm not sure how I feel about. While part of me feels pretty good when he's done it, part of me also doesn't want to be mistaken with his actual mother at all and I also don't want him to have that - to not really know who his mom "is" because of how much time he spends with someone or what they do together, etc. I don't know. But I do love him desperately and love getting to be part of raising him.

Okay, at this point I'm not entirely sure what I've even written about, but I'm sure that there's more I'd want to say. It is, however, after one in the morning and I should really get to bed (despite having slept in till almost 11 this morning :). That being said, I'm going to get off here, leaving one last question that I have. What exactly do you wear to your first real heartbreak's wedding? Night friends

Cathartic

I'm unsettled. I have this desperate need to have something, but what that something is I have no idea. I want to go to AR to see my friends. Terribly. I want to resolve the unresolved issues in my life, but I'm not sure how t do that. I want to not be mad at my sister. I want to feel good. Note the selfishness of this one; I'm not going to attempt to call it anything else. But I believe that some if not all of those wants also count as needs. In my opinion at least. But anyway. Today I did a little festivalling which was nice. I went to Rockville and walked around for a few hours by myself which was nice. Got some pretty neat finds too - mostly all books of course, but some other stuff too :) Tomorrow I'm going to a fibro support group thing for one of my classes. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. Kind of just not thinking about it. But I'll let you know how it goes. I didn't really have much to say tonight, just felt the need to write. So I'll leave it here. Goodnight

Roller coaster....

Dear Barbara. Today has been interesting. I had a good day all in all, I just can't keep a firm grip on whether I'm going up or down. Did the festival all morning which was of course good because for some crazy reason I love it. But it was tiring and somewhat emotionally draining; on the way home Mom apologized to me and Meg for tiring out early. Which wasn't fair, we'd been walking for over four hours. Being tired was totally legit. But she apologized and said "I didn't realize my knees were this bad" and started tearing up. I didn't really know what to say at first but I just said it's okay and put my hand on her shoulder - she was driving. I said that we'd work on it, we'd exercise and stuff. She got even more teary-eyed and said that it wouldn't make any difference. I was fighting back tears and I told her that it scares me. She said it scares me too and her voice broke. That was it more or less, she changed the subject to talk about something meaningless. My mom has been my rock, my solid driving force for good or for bad my whole life. When I have cried desperately over my pain and illness, she has always been there, comforting me and crying for me, wishing she could take it away, telling me that she would take it herself and have everything I did if it would take it away from me. And I know that's not just something she says to reassure me, that she honestly means it from the bottom of her heart and would do it without a thought if she were given the chance. But I have never seen her cry over herself. Never. And while everything that I have is awful and miserable and sometimes I feel like I can't do it, none of it is truly progressive. Hers is. She comes with a certainty that no matter what she does, she cannot stop what is happening. In any number of years, she will lose a lot of her mobility. She may take medications to help her symptoms and maybe slow the progression, but it cannot be stopped or 'cured' altogether. And the thought of that, the thought of my mother forever hurting, is terrible. I shock myself with my selfishness - I haven't given much thought to all of this. I know that part of that is an attempt to protect myself, to not have to consider and deal with everything, but that too screams of selfishness. My parents are aging and with that, they are becoming more fragile. I don't want to think about that at all. I cannot fathom this life without them, or even with them in any way impaired. It's been weighing heavily on my mind today. With my nerves still shaken and frail from that, we drove down the road towards home. Not but a few minutes after this conversation, we witnessed a motorcycle accident. We rushed out of the car to see if we could do anything to help, and running through my mind was what I could do, what I knew how to do to help him. Nothing. I thought, if he's not breathing I could do cpr, but even that I'm not truly confident with. So there I stood, watching this poor man writhing on the side of the road, blood pouring from his head, with my hands at my side. I did things like try to call 911, run for my jacket to hold over his injuries, but honestly I did nothing. I do not like that feeling. Not at all. So then we come on home. All of us got there at the same time and Meg stayed for a while then left after we decided we weren't going to do anything else in the evening. I asked Stacie what her plans were, hoping maybe I would get to see her for at least a little bit. There's so much going on in my life that I would like to share with her, but I never see her. I feel more and more that she's like a stranger, a person simply boarding in our house and hardly even doing that. She left soon after Meg to go to Brent's. I didn't realize until after she left how upset with her I was. Mom came in to see me upset and we talked about it some. Maybe it was just that I was feeling so fragile, so shaken from thoughts of my mother and seeing the accident, but I was upset. I cried telling her that I missed my sister, that I felt as though she didn't care at all. I listed off some of the things that I'd done for her, the fact that I would do anything, give anything up for her. She is my sister. But I feel as though she wouldn't do anything in return. That she hasn't. That I talk to people who are more than 500 miles away more than I talk to the person who stays in the room 5 feet from mine. It hurts. But I don't say anything to her. I think feeling this way is better than having her not respond or not care or scoff if I actually told her what I was feeling. Mom, Dad, and I went to the fish fry which was nice, a kind of tradition that we do. I cling to those. Another reason that I was upset with Stacie I think: we always go to the festival together, Mom, Stacie, and I, if we have the opportunity. She didn't even consider going with us and I know that Mom was really hurt by it. Then later tonight in talking to a friend, I fouled up and marred our friendship yet again with my unfounded overreactions. I hope to have righted this; I asked to go on a walk and we did. Not the brightest idea for midnight, but I'm still really glad that I did. So that's my day, being jerked back and forth, tossed to and fro by my messed jumble of emotions. Life is something beautifully fragile and I'm terrified to mess it up. As one of my friends told me regarding my interactions with another person, it's a catch 22. I'm so scared of messing life up, I miss out on it altogether. Vulnerability is hard for me though. I'm so scared of losing or hurting or being hurt by the people I love, I miss out on loving them at all. I'm ever-working though. Trying to right my convoluted way of thinking before I miss anything else.

You and I

There's just something about music. I can't really describe it, never have been able to, but there's just something about it that gets me. I think anyone would agree that I have a sick amount of music. And I love finding new artists, and am constantly doing so. We had a chapter about pain last week in my foundations class which I found interesting/amusing. One thing it talked about was distractions. Some people use tv, friends, books, music, etc. I remember one night, when I was going through the whole initial health thing, my parents took me to the Riley hospital ER in the middle of the night. I was in so much pain and they didn't know what to do. That's where I kind of started the whole neurologist thing I think. Anyway. So we're sitting in the ER for forever and finally went back to a room. I think it was like 3am by the time we saw anyone. I remember the whole time I was reading Eragon which had just recently came out. When the doc came in the room and talked to us, my parents gave him the whole lowdown and everything. He looked at me and said well she can't be in that much pain if she's sitting there reading. I have a hunch that my mom wanted to punch him. (For anyone considering going into health care, or quite frankly, anyone considering communicating with anyone at all, pain is what the patient/person says it is. The fifth vital sign. You have no place to tell a person that they are not in pain when they say that they are. Trust someone who has been in that position many times, it can be one of the most frustrating, disheartening things to be told something like that.) Instead, she just looked at him and said, I think it's her escape. It's someplace that she can go to just get away from it all. Now I don't remember much from that time in my life, but this memory stands out and probably always will. It was the first time that I actually thought that my mom got me, knew who I was. To bring us back around to the original topic, I think music is like that for me too. There is hardly a moment in my day when I am not listening to some sort of music. I am right now. My sister makes fun of me because in the mornings I carry around my ipod playing music through its speakers. There's just something about the way it can make you feel. There's the words, the rhythm, the notes, everything. But the best is when you combine it all, combine it to make something beautiful. And how it affects your mood. If I'm driving and listening to slower, calmer songs, I drive that way. If the song changes to a heavy, faster beat, I speed up without realizing it. To me that's just incredible. I'm not sure what brought about this writing, but I was listening to music a little earlier this evening, and a song came on that brought this huge smile to my face. No idea why, no explainable reason for the sudden mood change (not that I was in a bad mood before, just not a goofy grinning from ear to ear mood). But there it is. It happens. So thank you music makers, for this gift. And thanks to all of you who contribute to the soundtrack of my life. (Cheesy, I know. Cut me some slack, I'm feeling sentimental :)

Here's to you

Pick your jaws up off the floor friends. This is really happening. Another post. Whoa. Took even me by surprise. :) But really, I'm up late and kind of at peace and just thought I would drop a line. So hi!

One thing that I started doing after I wrecked my car was noting little things that I had taken for granted about it. Just the fact that it was such a nice car was one, though I didn't take that one entirely for granted; I was aware of how lucky I was and said things like I felt like a spoiled brat when I was driving it. But things like how big the rear window was - it was awesome to be able to see that much in the rear view mirror. Also the ability to raise and lower the seat. Trust me, when you're as short as I am, you appreciate things like that. There are plenty of other things I could say, but you get the idea. Well I got to thinking because of that - I hope I don't take for granted other things in my life and not notice how special they are until they're gone. So I've been trying to pay closer attention to things. And sometimes things just come out of nowhere to say hey, I'm here, appreciate me. My friends fall into that category. Now, I'm not saying any of them would demand appreciation, but they certainly deserve it and prove that to me time and time again. I have one friend who I haven't talked to in over a month, but that doesn't stop her from calling me a couple of times a week trying to get a hold of me. Another will listen to me at any hour of the day with advice for my ridiculous at the ready. Others allow themselves to be picked back up after my dropping them for so very long, without any grudges to be heard of. Again, I could go on and on, but I won't. I have to stop and shake my head as I write these and think of my friends in turn. What have I done to deserve such amazing people in my life? I honestly don't know. But I cannot express how much I love them and am thankful for them. I just hope that they somehow know.

Short one from a short one

It's been forever. And I have wanted to - needed to - write. So much has happened. I'm worn out. Going into week 5 of school. I'm pooped. And grasping for some sort of motivation, failing at that. I wrecked my car, bad. The insurance totaled it but my dad bought it back for cheap with intents to fix it. I don't know. What else? I don't know. Found some stuff that makes me happy (while procrastinating of course). I miss my friends desperately. Ha - I had big plans for all that I was going to write, but I really think that this is it. Here's something that makes me smile.

Two

Two in August! Can you believe it? I'm up at 1am when I really should be in bed - should've been in bed hours ago. But here I am...

I've made it through my first week. If you can call it making it through. From the first class I felt like I was flailing my arms in an ocean with no edge. I'm behind before I've even started. Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I know that a lot of that is attitude (which I severely need to work on) but a lot of it is the simple fact that I don't know what I'm doing. In more than one sense. Is this really what I want to do with my life? Do I want to spend the next year and a half to two years of my life completely consumed with this? Is it worth it? Why am I doing it? Is it important enough to me, is it a passion or just something that I feel like I should do? Why in the world can't I just commit to something and plow through it?

I went to two new doctors this week too. The first one was yesterday in Indy, another dentist/jaw doctor who I was referred to by Dr Wolford, my surgeon. We talked for a long time - I got to relive my lovely medical history, yet again. I actually really liked him, he was nice and genuine, didn't want to do anything invasive or anything without my permission. He and the lady that were working with us were both taken aback by everything we told them, not skeptical or condescending and I think he was extra cautious with me after he knew everything I've been through with doctors. He ground on my teeth, very minimally and asking me every time he went to do more. He said that he wasn't expecting any magical fix it thing to happen, and he wasn't promising anything like it. I appreciated that. Then today I went to see a chiropractor in town. Technically I've gone to her before, but that was probably about 5 or 6 years ago. I like her. We talked for a bit, updated stuff, and she worked on me for a while. Found out that I have a slight curvature in my spine. That was exciting (sarcasm). She looked at my wrists too and was kind of astounded by them. She referred me to a hand specialist in Indy - rather disheartening. I think I knew in the back of my mind that that was coming somehow eventually, but I've been ignoring it for so long, pretending that it didn't exist, that I guess I kind of convinced myself that there wasn't a problem. So. That's probably the next doc on the list. I do want to get it - whatever 'it' is - out of the way. But I'm wary of what that may be. And I don't know if I can handle another slew/round of doctors. Most especially in the middle of school. But I suppose I can't really control that can I?

All in all, I'm a bit down. I'm scared of doing school, or rather at not being able to do school. I'm scared and angry with my body for falling apart. And I hate not being able to do anything about it. I'm sick of health stuff (yet I decided to go to school for it....?), I'm sick of not knowing what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I'm a bit of a grump. And I'm sorry.

Your monthly notice

Well here we are in August. Maybe I should just aim for one post a month; I seem to do pretty decently at that. I am home, back in the house that I grew up in. It wasn't the original plan (do things ever go according to the original plan?) but here I am and I'm not sure when/if that will change for the next couple of years. I feel useless, pointless, blah - which is a bad place for me to be. I got home from Colorado on August 2nd and have been just that since - home. I start school (yes, again) on Monday. I am nervous, excited, exhausted at just the thought of it. I am being a horrible sister, but I can't find the willpower or patience to change that. I hoped to come home to a sister, but found that she isn't really here anymore. I don't know how to find her. I don't know if I have the energy to try. I miss my friends already; I think it's going to be harder on me than I thought, them being there and me being here. All of us continually moving in different directions. When JQ left Colorado, it hit me that that was the last time that we would live together. Probably ever but at the very least for the next 3+ years. Thinking about that makes me feel sick. It's a cruel thing, this making friends and saying goodbye. This is quite the depressing entry isn't it? Meh, I blame it on late nights and friends leaving and arguing with the people I love. On the random update note - I'm currently living in Justin's old room and it is a complete disaster. I don't think I used to be this much of a slob, but it seems as though I've become quite good at it. Funny - I accidentally typed snob instead of slob. Who knows, maybe that is true too. I hope not though. What else? Justin's house is really nice (although kind of messy because he still hasn't truly unpacked). There isn't an extra room yet because of a paint hold up, but maybe someday I'll have a temporary home there. That'd be good for sanity I think. He does have a pool though, which I consider to be free game :) I'm still plagued by this horrible homesick feeling - and I have no idea what it is that I'm sick for. It comes and goes as it pleases, sometimes taking me by such surprise and force that I just stop and close my eyes. What am I missing? I'm almost afraid that it is the ideas, the beliefs, the love that I have given up. Why am I afraid? I'm not sure that I want them back. Or that I want the baggage that comes with them. Hm. For now though I'm going to have to leave you on this confusing and rather depressing note, because I am tired. And a certain 7 year old demands that I get up at 6am tomorrow.

Updates!

As always, I feel as though I must begin this with an apology. Sorry it's been so long since I've written. But once a month isn't too bad, is it? I'm still at Waunita - that wasn't the original plan, but I'm okay with the decision. I'll probably stay here for a while more, though I'm still unsure as to how long. Tammy (my boss) said that she could use me, and would like for me to if it's what I want to do, through the end of July. It'd be nice to keep working and have more money saved up, but in a strange sort of way I think I'm a bit homesick. It's weird, I don't get homesick really. And I'm not really sure what it is that I'm missing, or where it is that I'm wanting to be. It makes me think of one of my favorite books, The Blue Sword. Here's some of it: "She had not wept herself to sleep since her first night in the king's tent and she thought, carefully, rationally, that it was hard to say exactly what she was homesick for...That sickness of dislocation came to her most often when she was most at ease in the strange adventure she was living. She might be staring at the line of Hills before them, closer every day, watching how sharply the edges of them struck into the sky...and suddenly she would be gasping with the thing she called homesickness." A bit random, but it's a close comparison to how I've been feeling as of late.

I've been well. Happy. I traded days off with Ashley so that I could go fishing today (today was hers and tomorrow was mine, but we switched). It was Eric, two guests Ron and Kip, and Dani and Brianne - another guest who is awesome, she hung out with us a lot last year. Downside to the day was that we had to be in the lodge at 5:30am. Ugh. I've been breakfast server this week so I haven't been getting much sleep as is. But we made it - Dani stayed here so we would both wake up. I caught one rainbow trout and together we caught 13 fish. We didn't get back to the ranch until about 4pm - I slept like a rock in the excursion on the way home. I daresay I'll go to bed pretty early tonight. Or at least that I should :)

JC and Jen have been emailing me and while it's great to hear from them, it makes me a bit sad. Did I make the right decision? I sure hope so. Then again, I'm not a believer in right and wrong decisions. While some choices obviously have a right and wrong answer, I believe that most just have answers. What you do is what you do, and
either direction will lead you somewhere. I chose to stay here and I am happy with that. I am still living, still moving forward, still me. And while I may continue to wonder what I have missed, I know that I will have plenty of amazing memories from whatever my summer brings me.

Stacie's dating some guy pretty seriously. It terrifies me. If they are engaged before I meet him - or for that matter, anytime this year - I think I will have a hard time forgiving her/accepting it. That's not fair of me, I know, but I am uber protective of her - of all of my family - and I do not want to see her hurt.

Justin bought a house and is in the process of moving in. I wish I was there for it. I missed Stacie moving in to her apartment as well, and I didn't like it. I feel like I miss out on so much when I'm not at home, but I think I would have the same feeling no matter where I was. That's part of having your friends spread out all over the place, part of living life. I hope to move in with him when I get home, but that is up to him.

I start nursing school in August. Scary, exciting, nerve wracking. A little of everything. If everything goes as planned though, I will be in school this fall, spring, summer, and fall and then graduate (for the second time :) in December 2011. Whew. That's hard for me to think about. But like I said, a bit exciting. I'm hoping to move closer to the school after a little while - it'll be an hour commute. We'll see how that goes.

Well this has been a bit rambly, but it's a little bit about most of the things I've been thinking about. Hopefully I'll be better at this - but that's always the hope :). I'll put some pictures on here for you.

This is Dani and I doing goofy faces before the movie - Eclipse! We had a girls night out on Saturday and got all dressed up and went to Crested Butte, about an hour and a half away. Being the silly people we are though, we forgot to take any real pictures of us.


These are some of the fireworks from the fourth of July - pretty much all of the staff and a couple of guests went into town to watch them.


This is what the lake that we fished on today was surrounded by. Talk about gorgeous, mountains and sky every direction you looked.


And this is Brianne, Dani, and I on the boat today. We should've taken pictures of the fish too, but we forgot. Gives us more room to exaggerate :)

Colorado...round 2

So I've been meaning to write in here for a while, but we all know how that goes. I'm back on the ranch, Waunita Hot Springs, where I worked last summer. This summer I'm only here until the end of June though, about half of the summer. I've been here since May 16th, almost three weeks, and it feels as though it has flown. I mean, it's been hard work - we've been spring cleaning (ugh...) - so the days seem long, but trying to think back to my first full day here (which happened to be my birthday, I'm 22!) seems nuts. It feels like it was a long time ago, but at the same time, not. You know? But anyway. Jenifer is here too, for half of the summer as well. There are two other housegirls - Mary and Ashley, two girl wranglers - Sara Jo and Ginny, Kolby is a wrangler, Jared is going to be a wrangler as well but he won't get here until tomorrow, Casey is a maintenance guy and there's another maintenance guy who just comes during the day, Tanner, and then Amber is coming to be the kid counselor again but she won't get here until next week. That's us! It's a good group, and I'm really glad to be here again. We're pretty much done with spring cleaning, thank goodness, and tomorrow we get to ride to Canyon Creek, one of my favorite rides. It'll be even more fun I think since it's just the staff. Our first guests come on Sunday, I think it's a week of about twenty some. Then another week of twenty some, then the third week has 42 I think - that's a big'un. Alright, that'll have to do for an update for now, I need some sleep. Let's see if I can find a picture for you...

This is from the day that Jenifer and I went hiking at a trail in Lake City - about 3.5 miles up a mountain. Oof. My body pooped out on my just before the end of it. Beautiful views though.



From left to right: Mary, Jenifer, and I. We were trying to capture the dirt on us and our attitudes toward it after a long day of cleaning the kitchen.

Conquering

Seven days from right now I will be a college graduate. Whoa. Don't know what I think about that. Everyone around me seems to think that that is some sort of big deal and I suppose to an extent I do as well, but not that much. To me I guess it was just something that would happen. Another page another chapter sort of thing. But it's almost over. I think that I have filled it with plenty of adventures. Some heartaches. Lots of learning, lots of growth, immeasurable change. What do we expect of the heroine when she comes to the end of the chapter? Should she step forward bravely? Have won the battle? I'm not sure. I do know that I have gained plenty of things that I will never forget and I'm not sure if those are the classes that I paid for. And will still be paying for for several years to come. I am surrounded by friends who love me more than I know and whom I love more than they can know. Right now they are in front of me but after next week we will be spread throughout this country and several others. I will not forget them, what we have shared, what they have taught me, or all the things we will continue to share. I'm not that sad about leaving. Perhaps it's because I've already done it once and I know it can be done, that though others will take pieces of me with them, and pieces will be left here, I will still be whole. That's something that I've struggled with, something that I didn't believe in. That when you share pieces of yourself with others, open your heart to them, they take it from you and you lose it. But that's not true. You can share things with others, give them pieces of your heart, the whole thing, and you yourself can still remain whole. Not even just whole, but sometimes even grow larger, fuller.

Thoughts

com·mit·ment
   /kəˈmɪtmənt/ Show Spelled[kuh-mit-muhnt] Show IPA
–noun
1. the act of committing.
2. the state of being committed.
3. the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.
4. a pledge or promise; obligation: We have made a commitment to pay our bills on time.
5. engagement; involvement: They have a sincere commitment to religion.
6. perpetration or commission, as of a crime.
7. consignment, as to prison.
8. confinement to a mental institution or hospital: The psychiatrist recommended commitment.
9. an order, as by a court or judge, confining a person to a mental institution or hospital.
10. Law. a written order of a court directing that someone be confined in prison; mittimus.
11. Parliamentary Procedure. the act of referring or entrusting to a committee for consideration.
12. Stock Exchange.
a. an agreement to buy or sell securities.
b. a sale or purchase of securities.

What does it mean to be committed to something? When do we cross a line where we owe someone or something a piece of ourselves? I do not understand this concept, probably never have, and doubt that I ever will. Why do so many people fear commitment? Fear being vulnerable and open and tying themselves to one another or to an idea, an ideal? Sorry, these are just random ramblings.

Ketchup, Catsup, or....Catchup

I realized recently that I have not written in this hardly at all lately - shame. So here we go, random ramblings of what's been going on lately. A few nights ago I was doing what is, in my mind at least, a typical college student task - late night laundry. I hauled all my stuff down to the laundry room - I live in 'privileged housing' which means, among other things, that we have 2 washers and dryers on each floor of our dorms. Kind of nice. Anyway, so I'm doing my laundry late at night, scrounging for quarters, etc, going through the motions of what has become such a norm for me over the past four years and suddenly it hits me - this is probably the last time that this will ever happen. Whoa. It was weird. I literally stopped and stood still thinking about that for a minute. I mean I keep saying that I don't think the whole graduation thing has really hit me yet and in some ways I still don't think that it has, but since that moment doing laundry I've been having lots of 'this is probably the last time I'll ever....' moments. Well, there's more to this than this, but it'll have to stop here because it's now 3:30 am - distracted by much more important things - and I'm sleepy.

Shake the Dust

Shake the Dust
by Anis Mojgani

This one right here,
This is for the fat girls.
This is for the little brothers.
This is for the school-yard wimps, for the childhood bullies who tormented them.
This is for the former prom queen, this is for the milk-crate ball players.
This is for the nighttime cereal eaters and for the retired, elderly Wal-Mart store front door greeters. Shake the dust.
This is for the benches and the people sitting upon them,
for the bus drivers driving a million broken hymns,
for the men who have to hold down three jobs simply to hold up their children,
for the nighttime schoolers and for the midnight bike riders trying to fly. Shake the dust.
This is for the two-year-olds who cannot be understood because they speak half-English and half-god. Shake the dust.
For the boys with the beautiful, beautiful sisters. Shake the dust.
For the girls with those brothers who are going crazy.
For those gym class wall flowers and the twelve-year-olds afraid of taking public showers,
for the kid who's always late to class because he forgets the combination to his lockers,
for the girl who loves somebody else. Shake the dust.
This is for the hard men, who want to love but know that it won't come.
For the ones the amendments do not stand up for, for the ones who are forgotten.
For the ones who are told to speak only when you are spoken to and then are never spoken to. Speak every time you stand so you do not forget yourself.
Do not let one moment go by that doesn't remind you that your heart beats 100,000 times a day and that there are enough gallons of blood to make every one of you oceans.
Do not settle for letting these waves settle and for the dust to collect in your veins.
This is for the celibate pedophile who keeps on struggling,
for the poetry teachers and for the people who go on vacations alone.
For the sweat that drips off of Mick Jaggers' singing lips and for the shaking skirt on Tina Turner's shaking hips, for the heavens and for the hells through which Tina has lived.
This is for the tired and for the dreamers and for those families who'll never be like the Cleavers with perfectly made dinners and sons like Wally and the Beaver.
This is for the biggots,
this is for the sexists,
this is for the killers.
This is for the big house, jail-sentenced cats becoming redeemers and for the springtime that somehow seems to always up after every single winter.
This? This is for you. This is for you.
Make sure that by the time fisherman returns you are gone.
Because just like the days, I burn at both ends and every time I write, every time I open my eyes I am cutting out parts of myself just to give them to you.
So shake the dust and take me with you when you do for none of this has ever been for me.
All that pushes and pulls, pushes and pulls and pushes for you.
So grab this world by its clothespins and shake it out again and again and jump on top and take it for a spin and when you hop off shake it again for this is yours.
Make my words worth something, make this more than just another poem that I write, more than just another night that sits heavy above us all.
Walk into it, breathe it in, let is crash through the halls of your arms like the millions of years of millions of poets coursing like blood pumping and pushing making you live, shaking the dust.
So when the world knocks at your front door, clutch the knob tightly and open on up, run forward into its widespread greeting arms with your hands before you, fingertips trembling though they may be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qDtHdloK44

This summer

I bought my tickets today. So much in just a click. Oh dear Barbara.

Snow Day

This week we had snow. And I mean snow. Arkansas is not used to this kind of weather and they've been getting it a lot this year. We had a two hour delay on Monday and then they shut school down in the middle of classes around 1.30. I think the idea behind shutting everything down was so that people would go inside and be safe. Well, the teachers probably went home to avoid the ice and snow on the roads. All of us students on the other hand bundled up and went outside. There were more people than I have ever seen on the front lawn. Apparently someone started the idea of a snowball fight at 4.30 and it was all on from there; you know those ideas that get passed from person to person in mass texts? Well this was one of them. Pretty much everyone knew in the hour that school was canceled. People built massive forts and there were Braveheart moments where I'd say at least thirty people would charge the others at one end of the lawn. I deemed the word of the day to be Epic.

School was closed completely on Tuesday which was fun. We bummed around, did homework and such. We went to Chili Tuesday at the Honors College - pay $2 for chili and drinks and such, they have it every Tuesday and didn't cancel it despite the snow. Jen had stayed the night here (she practically lives here, for example, this past week I think she's probably stayed 6 of the 7 nights in our apt instead of hers). Emily was in Guatemala this week with the Nursing Department so she missed out on the snow which was sad. But anyway, that was our snow adventure.

Jen, Marcos, and I played around and took pictures
in the snow. We did our best to avoid the
snowball throw-ers, but we did get hit by a few

Peace by Piece conference this weekend.

It's funny that in this time of immense change I feel more solid than I think I ever have. The temptations that I used to have don't even phase me. I even put triggers in my head and they don't do anything, at least haven't for quite a while. Slightly off topic, but just ran through my head.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't know who I am or what I am anymore. In The Awakening Edna says that she would give her life for her children, but she would not give up her 'essential' for anything or one. I used to be able to say the same - I would give my life for Christ, but also that he was what made up my essential, and that I would not sacrifice nor compromise that for anyone nor anything. Now I have nothing that seems a solid or essential part of me. I believe there is a beauty in doubt, yes, but I have never been quite to this place before. There are things that I have had questions about before but have always just accepted the pat answers that fundamentalists have always had near at hand. Peter Rollins says something about doubt that strikes me - that I'm still not sure about - that I still don't understand - but I know it means something to me. 'If you doubt, the moment you feel utterly forsaken is the moment you look like Christ crucified on the cross. Doubt is a central part of the faith.' < That is loosely quoted, it was quickly copied down during a conference this weekend. Did Jesus truly doubt God on the cross? He doubted himself - but have you known a man who has never doubted himself? In my Life of Christ class (I think I took that sophomore year) we discussed whether Jesus was born knowing he was God or if he didn't come into that knowledge until he was baptized and the clouds spoke 'This is my son' 'You are my son' depending on where you look. For those of you who may read this and worry, don't. This doesn't come from unbelief but rather belief. More to come - hopefully soon.

Today

So I'm settling back into this life. That's one thing about me, one thing that I know about myself, I can adjust to most anywhere or anything. At least so far. Maybe that's why it kind of freaked me out that I wasn't readjusting as quickly as I was expecting. But it's only been two weeks and I've already found my routine. I'll add things and lose some I'm sure, but for now I have this one down.

Fun fact - I learned that my English prof is from Dugger today. For those of you not from Indiana, that's only about an hour and a half south of where I live. I turned in my paper later (I had it ready at class but found some errors so I kept it to correct them, we had till 5pm) so I got a chance to talk to him and he remembered playing Riverton Parke in football when he was in high school, he knew of Southside CoC, and Camp Wabashi and such. It was fun to randomly find out about him after four years of going here.

In Seminar in World Missions: Women in Missions (long name, I know, I usually shorten it to women's missions or something similar) we've been talking about the concept of 'calling' and who should go and such. I don't really believe in the concept of calling - it gets more complicated than that of course but for the sake of the point I'm trying to make here, I'll not get off topic. Laurie Diles is our teacher and she is great. She was a missionary in the Czech Republic and her parents were missionaries in Brazil. Well, this is her mom's list of 'who should go.'
A prospective missionary will:
-be dedicated to God
-be a person of character
-be flexible
-be able to leave family and friends
-be adventurous
-be emotionally balanced
-have a good track record
-expect the BEST
I thought that it was interesting and definitely worth thinking about. She also talked about things like the PeaceCorps and how while it may seem like an interesting choice post-graduation, it's not really what one would expect. The idea had been suggested to me before and had been bouncing around in my head. I talked to Laurie about it after class more and some about the ChinaNow program and similar things. It was a good talk and we're going to continue it later, much as I'm going to have to continue this later :)

Interesting

Today in Christ and Culture we were talking about worldview, amongst other things. Adair listed off about 5 things that we do in America for to make ourselves 'better' physically that someone coming from another culture would probably think were so strange - and that most of us think are strange too. I thought it was ironic that I have technically had 3 of the 5. Botox, implants, jaw enhancement, ab workouts/medical ways to better them (sorry for the bad wording), and membership at gyms. I'll let you figure out the three.

joy

–noun

1.	the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.

2.	a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.

3.	the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4.	a state of happiness or felicity.

–verb (used without object)

5.	to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.

–verb (used with object)

6.	Obsolete. to gladden.

Synonyms:
1. rapture. 2. bliss.

Antonyms:
1. misery, unhappiness, sorrow, grief.

Yeah....

So, failure once again I suppose. But I'm not that upset by it. It's now mid-January and I'm back in Ar-kansas, trying to get back in the swing of being a college kid. Eek. I'm taking 18 hours and it's a bit intense. The classes themselves are okay, and I do like them all so far (except for Western Civ but that's just because it's Western Civ and well yeah) but the workload is a lot more than I was anticipating. I'm taking American Literature and there's a ton of reading for it which is part of the problem but that wouldn't be so bad (reading actual books for school? I mean come on!) except that I'm taking another English class. It's a creative writing class that I'm taking online through a school back home and I'm doing it accelerated - so I'll be done on like March 5th which will be nice. The bad part about that is that I have homework due every Tuesday and Friday and it's a lot of homework each time. But I'll make it. I think. This first week has been absolute chaos and if I'm being honest with myself I can't quite say that it's nice to be back. Not yet anyway. It's just that so much has happened and so many things have gone wrong or just not the way that I would've hoped that I haven't been able to deal with them. We get Monday off of classes though and I'm determined to make next week a good one.

To anyone who may read this, on accident or purpose, please send your prayers, thoughts, concerns to Brent Dunkley's family. I grew up with him, was in the same class with him through elementary and high school, did band together, etc. He passed away a couple of days ago. His younger sister is especially taking it hard.

More trivial, but my dog just died yesterday and that's a bit upsetting. But like I said, this next week will be one of victories, not defeats. One cool thing about my schedule is that I only have classes on MWF (also part of what makes it crazy but it works out) so I only have chapel and work on TR. Confession time: I decided to write this as yet another way to stall from doing my homework. But I better get back to it. Maybe you'll hear from me again soon :)