Alive

I'm tired. I'm exhausted: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I'm overworked overwrought overFibro'd. I'm over it. Sick of weddings, sick of school, sick of the endless refrain of signs and symptoms and labs and values in my head. Sick of going through the check out line and instead of seeing candy and tabloids, seeing the man's clubbed fingernails and worrying about his oxygenation. Sick of worrying about every dime I spend, calculating every gas-tank-fill-up grocery-store-stock-up over and over until I can't add or subtract or think clearly enough to write right as right and not write. Sick of measuring and remeasuring and worrying about 4 inches or 4 and a quarter/is it in the middle/will they be able to tell/will it be good enough/am I ever going to be okay with this/will they last together/what will happen if they don't? Sick of hurting. Sick of wondering what it would be like to not have a headache to not wake up and hurt too much to move to bite into an apple to feel 22 to run a mile and not feel it for the next 62 to not be afraid to touch or hug or wrestle or dance or fall. Sick of poor attitudes. Sick of being angry. Sick of longing for joy and being frustrated that I can't find it or figure out where it went or how it did or why or if it'll ever be found again. Sick of ignoring things so vital to me, of them taking up residence on the back burner. Sick of being okay with them being there. Or telling myself that I am. Sick of needing perfection, of it never being good enough. Of spending hours to clean out my car instead of one, of spending days making invitations that could've just been bought and done, of a 99 never comparing to a 100. Sick of asking questions that I cannot answer, of shouting frustrations at the sky. Sick of not acknowledging the fact that some questions will never be answered. Sick of running for/from that reason.

And yet somehow, someway, it's days like this, weeks like this, the ones that are so desperately hard, that make me feel so very alive. Make me realize just how much I've done, how far I've come, things that I can do. Walking in my woods and seeing the new greens, the new paths deer have made just since last year, the new life. Cranking my radio up and singing my heart out in old shorts and a t-shirt with a shop-vac for a microphone in the middle of my parents' front yard - and not caring what anyone thinks. Knowing that I've made something with my own two hands that people will get, will see, will [hopefully] appreciate. Knowing what clubbed fingernails mean, what a WBC of 14000 means or why a person's heart shouldn't beat 150 times a minute. Hugging my nephew and hearing about him flying. Having a scrape a foot long down my leg and foot because I went into the woods in shorts and chacos and yes, I did fall. Getting back up. Knowing that simple scratch is more significant to me than a new pair of jeans would ever be. Laughing until I cry at a friend's recollection of pizza on her butt. Being tired when I lay down at night because I did something with my life that day. Dancing like a fool and not caring. Air drumming. Reconnecting with an old friend because of an accidental text. Giving my mom her shots. Passing my classes. Putting in a Foley, putting in an NG, starting IVs. Making someone smile. Smiling. Being able to wake up in the morning. Being alive.

Honestly, I could go on and on about either side of the spectrum. The point of it is: I'm alive. I'm living. And no real life is going to come without pain, no real joys without heartaches. Yeah, my life kinda sucks sometimes. Until I step out of my perspective and see that wow, my life rocks. It's just hard to have the strength to do that sometimes.


These are some pictures of the invitations that Mom and I made for Stacie's bridal shower. Despite all of the frustrations, loud discussions, anal retentiveness, I'm really glad we did it. And a little proud. Please forgive.

And this, well this is just one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies. Always makes me smile, most of the time laugh. Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tJoIaXZ0rw
(sorry, had to link it, but I assure you, it's worth watching)