Mistakes we knew we were making

Ahem. I have to make an addition to the previous post. The title is in reference to the song by Charlotte Martin. I'm sure there was some significant reason at the time, but I really don't remember now. This one is in reference to the Straylight Run song. Encourage you to look it up and give it a listen :)

I'm very thankful for good friends. I mean, it's not that I don't have friends here, got asked to go out tonight, know that I can call them for almost anything, etc, but there's just something about those friends who know you to your core. Who, with a few words from you, will know that something is wrong and will call without hesitation no matter the time. It doesn't matter where they are, or how long it's been since you've seen or talked to them, they're there. And they'll love you no matter what. I'm thankful for you.

Tonight may end up being more other people's words than my own.

I've recently started (sporadically) reading My Utmost for His Highest again. It's interesting to me, always has been, but from the perspective I have now it's even more so. Anyway. Yesterday he talked about something interesting, that I'm not sure I completely understand but that piqued my interest regardless. The whole book is based in a paradigm that I'm not sure that I completely fall in line with. Well, I'm pretty much positive that I don't line up with it anymore. But I still think that there can be benefits from it. He spoke of consecration yesterday, about Matthew 6:30(ish) and whether we were experiencing the 'much more' that has been promised to us. "Consider the lilies of the field . . .” (Matthew 6:28). They grow where they are planted. Many of us refuse to grow where God plants us. Therefore, we don’t take root anywhere. Jesus said if we would obey the life of God within us, He would look after all other things. Did Jesus Christ lie to us? Are we experiencing the “much more” He promised? If we are not, it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us and have cluttered our minds with confusing thoughts and worries. How much time have we wasted asking God senseless questions while we should be absolutely free to concentrate on our service to Him? Consecration is the act of continually separating myself from everything except that which God has appointed me to do. It is not a one-time experience but an ongoing process. Am I continually separating myself and looking to God every day of my life?" The part of not taking root anywhere caught me. That's who I've been, who I've wanted to be for a long time. I love the traveling, the moving from place to place. Now, I don't think he's speaking solely on the physical here. But I'm the same in other ways as well. I have avoided making ties, emotionally and such, to those I have been around for the past how many ever years. I keep a 'safe' distance between others and myself. For me to let someone in is a miraculous event, one that happens fairly rarely. With those whom I have let in though, a beautiful thing has grown. There's a comfort, an astonishing beauty in the relationships with those who know me so well, know how to judge my every thought and movement and how to anticipate the next. Also interesting to me was the cluttering of our minds with confusing thoughts and worries. Oh dear. That's me - and several others I know - to a T. I understand the senseless questions. Now, like I said earlier, this isn't something that I totally fall in line with, agree with. Some of you know the journey I've been on for the past well, probably two-ish years now. It's one that I have stalled and pushed away so as to not deal with for the past probably 10 months. But in just this past month I have begun to confront it again. There's an entry in the making on all of that, but in all honesty I'm terrified to talk about it all. But I will. I need to.

I recently watched "It's Kind of a Funny Story" and I loved it. It's one of those that I'm sure not most people would like, but I did. A quote that I really liked:
"See, that's the part I don't get Craig. I mean...you're cool, you're smart, you're talented...you have a family that loves you, you know. What I would do just to be you just for a day. I would, I would do so much. I would...I don't know, I would just...I'd just live. Like it meant something."
Also at the end of the movie, when he's doing a voice-over, I loved what he had to say. There's no way that I could get all that down or that it would sound as neat out of context. But the whole idea of 'just live' is awesome to me. Falls in line with my wrist :)

A newfound favorite lyric of mine:
"Cause I've been trying way too long,
To try and be the perfect song,
When our hearts are heavy burdens,
We shouldn't have to bear alone."

As always, sorry so rambly, and I love you all.

Everytime it rains

Oof. It's been quite the couple of weeks. I feel as though there are many major events that I could write about, but I'll just leave it at a couple.

I moved into my apartment! It has to be the weirdest, most mismatched place ever, so naturally I love it. I keep on aiming to take pictures or a video or something but have yet to. I'm at home for the weekend, but maybe when I go back on Monday (no school because of MLKJ day) I'll get around to it. And I'll put whatever it is up here so you all can share in my joy :) But really, it is a strange sort of place. I'm really enjoying being out on my own again, but it is still weird. I've met two of my neighbors so far, I like them both. By neighbors I mean people who live in the upstairs; it's an old house that they've turned into an apartment. I've got to talk to one of them, Jeff, a few times. He has a really cool story - what I know of it so far. I hope to learn more.

I also started classes again. Woot? Mixed feelings there. It's good to see everyone again and be surrounded once more by people who understand and can commiserate with what I'm going through. It's also cool to have the feeling again of working towards something, towards what a large part of my life is going to be. But...well let's face it, I'm lazy. Just burnt out I suppose. Already I have tons of studying to do, homework type stuff, quizzes next week to study for....and have I done any of it? Negatory. Motivation is already lacking, which cannot be a good thing. I don't know though, maybe it'll just take me a bit to get back into the swing of things, to buckle down and push myself to do everything.

A recent thing: my sister bought her wedding dress today. Wait, what? My sister? Wedding dress? Marriage?! Yeah, I still haven't wrapped my mind completely around all of that. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for her. (Those of you who have been with me through that journey know that that wasn't always the case.) But we went to her appointment tonight to try it on again and for me to try bridesmaid dresses on. I think with every step that we take towards the wedding it becomes less surreal and more a part of my reality. I was alternating between a few dresses for her to look at and there was all this wedding talk going on. Who all the bridesmaids were, what kind of dresses they would all wear, what my sister's dress looked like, when the wedding was, where it would be, who she was marrying, etc etc. All these details about this huge event that I evidently still haven't quite accepted. In a weird sort of way though, I realized another thing during all of it. I think I'm....jealous. It's pretty weird. A wedding and marriage is not something that I have really pictured myself in. You know how there are some girls who know their whole life that that's what they want, to be married, to have a family, a house, some even dream of their wedding and have the details planned out long before the event can even happen. I've never really been that girl. I mean, I know that someday I would like to be married. No one really wishes to go through life alone do they? Maybe some people, but not really me.  The thought of marriage though is something that I have pushed away for a very long time. Now I see my sister, in love with this man who I know would do anything for her. I see them planning together the house that they will live in, will raise their children in, will grow old - together - in. And I feel this strange longing in me. Weird, I know, and it's a weird way to say it. But strangely enough it is true. I've always been the one so focused on my future, on my dreams of travel, of helping do something to make a change - all these crazy dreams. And I've always adamantly told myself that in order to fulfill those dreams, marriage couldn't be in the picture. And I've been okay with that. (Others have tried to tell me differently, and part of me knows that it's true, they can be combined into a beautiful thing. I'm not completely crazy, I promise.) But I'm 22 (I never used to think that was old) and now when I play out my 'dreams' time line in my head, I'm a little shocked. Let's say loosely that I have another year of school, one to two years of solid experience, a few years of travel nursing or MSF, and then settling down? That puts me at like 28ish. What?! Again, that's not really old or anything, but I do want to have kids (as terrified as I am of it). I don't really want to be the parent that's mistaken for a grandparent at school events. And I'm scared enough of health stuff, and those risks will just go up with my age. I was talking to one of my friends the other day about compromise. Would I be willing to compromise? To sacrifice (for lack of a better word) some of my dreams in order to have others? I worry that I've set a plan too firmly in my head (and my heart) and may have missed out on other opportunities. Or that I will continue marching forward with my blinders on, too future focused to stop and look around me and enjoy what I have here in the present. Ugh. Sorry, I realize that this has again become one large ramble/rant. It's just a lot of what I have been thinking about lately.

In other news: I'm going to church with Megan tomorrow, and I'm pretty excited about it. She may hate me because it's already 2am and I'm supposed to meet her at 9....yeah, pretty sure I'll be a bit cranky. My bad Meg. Along the same note though, Mom asked me if we were going to meet them for lunch tomorrow (my family always goes out to lunch on Sundays after church). I said we would and she told me, in an uber serious manner, that her and dad had an announcement to make to all of us together tomorrow, and that we weren't to share it. What is that?! I mean really? Well I tried to pry something out of her, which got me nowhere. Asked if they were getting a divorce (jokingly), to which I got a no. Was she pregnant? To which I got a look and an oh-my-goodness-I-hope-not-look-how-the-first-three-turned-out. Were they selling the house? To which I got a you'll have to wait and see. That's what I got to anything else I said as well. But I'm not going to lie, she has me wondering - and worried. Stinking woman. It's probably something silly and she's just getting a sick pleasure out of torturing me. Mothers.

Alright, I suppose I'm going to attempt sleep now. Sorry for the rambling and the lack of grammar and the excessive use of parentheses - wow, just looked at that. Oh well. I hope you all are well and that you all have fantastic upcoming weeks!

......hesitations....? And some recap-ations

Yes, another post. Ridiculous, I know. But I am attempting to pack and am starting to get really...unsettled...I guess? Not really sure that is the word that I want, but I can't find a better one. It's weird, I'm pretty excited about moving, about having my own place, about not having to drive. But as I sort and pack my things, I find myself dragging my feet and trying to slow time down.I've tried to figure out why, but can't come up with a really good reason. I think I've become comfortable, happy if you will, here. I was the person who always swore that I wouldn't come back, wouldn't move in with my parents, wouldn't get stuck here until I had gone out and experienced the world. If that is the case, then why am I so content here? Don't misunderstand, there is nothing at all wrong with Parke County (sorry Meg, don't want you to think that). It's just that it's only one place, one culture, when there are innumerable ones out there. And I want to see them. Hm. It's quite the conundrum. Regardless of my hesitations, I am leaving over the next couple days. I say leaving like it's something drastic, but in all reality I'll only be an hour away. Big whoop. But I've gotten used to the idea of my friends being right here, close (even though a lot of them are still in other states and countries). Ugh. I don't know what's wrong with me.

In other news, I had an amazing experience a few days ago. You know that musical that I wanted to go see? A little thing called Wicked? Well.....I WENT!!! And it was freaking amazing. Yes. Mom went with me and she was laughing at me because while we were sitting in our seats waiting for it to begin I was literally bouncing in the seat and counting down the minutes until eight o'clock. When it finally started I may have squealed. I got goosebumps during the songs and had a hard time not singing along (I mouthed every word though :). One more thing checked off the bucket list. Feel free to make fun.

I was trying to recap my 2010 the other day and had a hard time coming up with everything. Stupid failing memory. Some highlights though: my tattoo, graduating from college, getting accepted to and starting nursing school, my sister getting engaged, my brother buying a house, Colorado (again), dragging my friends to the HP7 premiere, New Year's, and lots and lots of other little things. Also getting to be around my family and at home friends so much.

I got to thinking about those pictures I posted a while back. Suppose I should explain some of them. The first two are pictures of a soccer game I went to with Vonnie and Jamie (friends from Lakeview). It was between the USA and Italy's women soccer teams to get to the World Cup. We won! Next is Dylan dressed as Harry Potter for Halloween, then a family picture at French Lick from mom's surprise birthday party. Then Meg and Court with a cardboard Justin Bieber at the theatre (Court's obsessed...) and me and Dyl being weird. Next was a picture to show why I was gagging in the car - a dead deer strapped to the top of someone's car driving down 41....ew. Next are hats: Dylan and I ganged up on Justin to get him to wear my bohemian-ish hat, and Brent tried on a dancing singing Christmas hat at Cracker Barrel. Yeah, we're all pretty awesome, I know.

Also, just a random last note. A new song for you. Check out Toi et Moi (You and I) by Antoine Dufour. I have fallen completely in love with it.

I let myself fall

Okay so there is, as always, much that I want to write about. However, I am currently lying in bed and really need to actually go to sleep. However, a few things before I do sleep. Happy new year! Welcome to a clean slate, 365 days of potential. It's up to you to make sure that they're not days of lost or unused potential. Anyone make any resolutions? I tend to not make them, mostly because I know that I probably won't follow them through. There are a few loose ones bouncing around in my head though. This is my last week of non-schoolness. Aka: my last week of freedom and laziness. I move sometime this week/weekend. I'm pretty darned excited, partly because it's my first "real" apartment, partly because I'm ready to be out on my ownish again, partly for the elimination of the commute, etc. I'm also a bit sad/apprehensive because I won't be around my family as much, won't get to see them everyday. I haven't had that for the past four years really but now that I have I think it'll be hard to leave it again. Also because I'll be leaving my friends again which is always sad. But I will only be an hour away and such. I think it's a good time to be leaving though. Tonight's the first night to sleep by myself in the past few days. Don't freak out, JQ's been here the past couple of days and the other night a group of us stayed at a friend's house. I miss having a roommate, having someone to talk to and such. But it's fine, it was just nice to have that for a bit again. I hate this feeling though, back to being just me after having company. I took JQ to the airport today which was bittersweet. It made me think of driving her to Denver this summer to fly out. It was the end of the two of us being roommates essentially. It was rough. I got a slight brush of those feelings today. Yuck. I hate closing chapters, inevitable change, etc. I don't open up to people easily because of that, because I feel as though it'll just come down to a goodbye. Silly, I know. But I'm working on those walls, always have to be. Having JQ here made me realize that I've let some of them creep back up. I don't like that. I have a hard time taking them down by myself though and apparently I haven't been paying enough attention. This is just one big run on ramble; I'm sorry for that. But just some of the thoughts going through my head right now. Night friends. I hope you all had a great Christmas and new year!