12/21

I prayed today.

Argh!

So I'm having a bit of a problem. I desperately want to write and feel like I'm going to burst with all I have to say, from my surgery to recent experiences to my family to upcoming Christmas to my little random tidbits that I inevitably have. I even have plenty of time to write, which is generally the main thing working against me. So what is the problem then you ask. Ah. Yes, well, you see I currently only have use of one of my arms, thankfully my right, dominant, one. My left is in a splint/cast from my knuckles to my mid upper arm. Ergo, I am chicken-pecking (a big pet peeve of mine) with just one hand. This is proving to be very time consuming and prone to typos. (For example, what I have written to this point has taken me nine minutes. Yes, I timed it. The use of the backspace key proved to be impossible to count.) So though I am irritated to the extreme with all of this, I;m afraid this will have to suffice for now. I'll include some pictures (sans captions, just to keep you guessing) to liven things up a bit. 

A brief exclamation, often containing only one word: “Oh!” “Gee!” “Good grief!” “Ouch!”

So this is a bit of an interjection - both as an exclamation and as a thrown in the middle sort of thing - to the other post. Just a I need to write or I'll lose my mind sort of thing.

I am a mess. Absolutely. Why? I'm not entirely sure myself. But I know that I'm angry and hurt and upset and feeling awfully directionless. I had a bit of a confrontation with Stacie tonight. I was in my room and she in hers, when she came in to talk about some Christmas present for Brent. I had been, and still was, crying and she noticed saying What's wrong? I kind of shrugged and said something along the lines of Oh life, to which she responded by proceeding to talk about what she had come into the room for. I tried to respond as necessary, until I couldn't because I kept crying. Ugh. So she asked again what was wrong and I attempted to try to tell her. She was fiddling with her shirt and flipping open her phone and slowly inching back to her door the entire time. Now granted I am a bit of an emotional wreck at the time and I already had all of these pent up feelings toward her. So they kind of.....came out. Not nearly as eloquently as they have been formed in my head over the past several months. Not at all. And I didn't say everything that was bothering me, but I'm assuming she got the gist. It's hard telling though, seeing as how she shook her head and walked into her room with a I'm not dealing with this, and shutting the door. I waited for a few minutes to try to calm down but then went to her room to try to talk to her. She was already on the phone when I went in so I waited for her to get off before trying to tell her where all of this was coming from. She doesn't care. At all. Good grief that hurts. More than everything else that I was already upset about. I said that I hated not having a sister for the past several months to which I got a pair of rolling eyes. For saying that she had no idea what was going on in my life and that she didn't care, I got a shaking of her head and another glance at the cell phone. I can't keep doing this. Tomorrow is the day for cutting ties, so maybe I'll attempt to toss that one aside as well. Only family don't tend to be easy to get rid of.

Argh. As usual, understand that this is just a lot of frustration coming out. I hate only writing when I'm upset or angry, but that seems to be all that I've done lately. I'm sorry for that. There are joys in my life, but right now I'm in a bit of a valley. And writing is my most productive/beneficial way of dealing with it.

For something of a happier note, I'll include this. I went on a wonderfully romantic date Friday night. I know, some of you are probably frantically checking this page to make sure you are on the right person's blog. Yeah yeah. But I did, and it was fun. A cabin by a pond, christmas lights and a campfire, a meal with wine, music and impromptu pseudo-ice skating, and the unplanned adventure of catching the deck on fire. And of course good conversation with a good friend. But it's a bit bittersweet I suppose, because that's all that he is to me. A good friend. I'm pretty sure at least. Oof. So no, I'm not 'dating' anyone. Nor do I think I will be for awhile. I've realized in thinking about all of this that my life is a bit too much of a mess right now to be asking anyone else to be a part of it. I need to learn what I believe in, find something to grasp hold of, get rid of this bitterness, etc first. And that's going to take a good amount of work and time. Which brings my mind back to all that I was thinking about beforehand, but writing all of this has helped. Thanks for suffering through all of my insanities with me friends, it means a lot.

Oh, a sort of ps. Several of you know this already, but some of you do not. I have wanted to see the musical Wicked for several years now. Well, I found out earlier this year that it was coming to Indianapolis. I was of course psyched. The tickets went on sale October 15th but I didn't buy any because the small snag of a driving inhibiting surgery came up. Argh. I asked Mom and Stacie several times if they would be interested in going, but neither of them really seemed it and I don't want to make them do something they don't want to. So. It opens December 15th (this Wednesday) and the last day is January first. I really still want to go, but am afraid to buy tickets if I can't. So this is just me wondering if anyone would be interested in seeing it. No pressure, it's a bit pricey, and I know some of you have already seen it. Just throwing it out there. Night friends.

Part I

Argh! Of course, been wanting to get on here for awhile, it just hasn't seemed to happen. Blah blah, we all know the routine.

Some fun facts for you: this morning Terre Haute was the coldest place in the nation. For realz. I thought that was pretty cool, and pretty random. It has been dang cold here lately though. Ugh. Funny story on that note - I scraped off my car to drive to Danville Monday morning (my dad, being the awesome dad that he is, started it for me way before I had to leave), but I only scraped where I needed to be able to see, figuring that the rest would melt once I got going, as it usually does. Ha. Yeah, I was that fool driving around in a car that only has the driver's side of the windshield clear. Apparently when it's below freezing outside ice doesn't melt. Whoda thunk. There's a picture of when it was snowing; most all of this snow is still here because it hasn't got warm enough to melt it.

This is (thankfully) the last week of classes. Phew. I've actually only had about half of what I normally do, didn't even have to drive to D-ville yesterday because we didn't have class. I had my last actual class today, tomorrow I have my final test-out for skills lab, then next week I have a paper to turn in online, and only have to go to Danville once, on Wednesday, for my patho/pharm final. Woot! The end is in sight. Well, at least the end of this semester. Only three more to go..../:

So there are quite a few things I want to write about and, surprisingly, a lot of them have pictures. One is silly but makes me happy. When Thanksgiving break started I put school and all things related completely out of my mind. For some strange reason I got on a cleaning kick, and one thing that I cleaned was our cereal cabinet. I found a box of stale cheerios and instead of just throwing them outside like most people would, I decided hey, it's close-ish to Christmas, I should make a cheerio chain. So that's what I did. I don't think I ever realized just how long those things take. I only used about half of what was left of the box and the string was twice my height. I have no idea how long it took me. But I decided to be done with it, took it outside and hung it in a tree (which is quite the struggle for someone my height), and took a picture. Voila!

So it's kind of hard to see and it looks a little pitiful, but I sure had fun. This was of course pre-snow.

There's plenty more to write about, but I think this will have to do for now. Consider it part one of promised epic entry. Stay tuned for part two!

The best laid plans....

So I keep having these big plans for writing stuff down in here but guess what? They fall through. Who'da thunk? I think that has to be one of my biggest faults - making plans, dreaming dreams, but not following them through. Anyway, this isn't a negative post. Nope nope nope. Rather it's your sneak preview to the epic (planned for weeks) post.

So today was our first day back to school and such after a week off for break. Ugh! Technically we've been off for about a week and a half - I finished Thursday around noon of the week before last. Some of us were talking today and we'd almost rather they'd just make us push through and then end a week earlier. It's hard to actually get anything done over break, especially those who got to go home for the first time in months, and it's hard to leave those people and come back to classes. But we'll survive.

For some unknown reason one of my teachers today decided to show us an episode of Hawthorne RN that seemed to be an attempt to scare us off of nursing. This isn't really true - well, watching the episode is but the scare tactics aren't. It was just hard to watch the struggles that the nurses went through and feel real motivated/excited about what we'll be doing in a year or so. That, combined with the first day back, plus having two patients instead of one in clinical (first time we've had two), plus stepping out of class at 4:30 to a pitch black sky and rain was enough to make today a not so fun day. I realize that I hate getting up and leaving before the sun gets up and coming home after it has already set for the night. Yes, I realize that many people do that everyday and that I best get used to it for when I'm a big kid in the real world, but for now I'm going to gripe about it.

Some fun things that you will (hopefully) see in the next post: outcomes of apartment hunting, adventures of a trip to Chicago, Christmas hopes and plans (there's that dratted word again), and other such fun-ness. I hope you are all well and that this will satiate some of your terrible hunger for my amazing and eventful life. (This, of course, is sarcasm. I do appreciate you reading though, as un-hungry as you may be.)

Please also excuse the ridiculous wording and rambling in this. It's been a long day and I should really be in bed. Night friends :)

Randoms!

So I figured I'd write a little short something in here to kind of push that last entry down the page a bit, I know it's kind of a debby downer post. Anyway....some of you may be here for the first time or just coming back to this after a long time. I just recently set my privacy settings tighter so this isn't open for anybody in the world to read. I don't know how long that'll last, but for now that's what I'm doing. So I sent out some invites to people who already do read this and some who I thought, meh, they make find it amusing :) Feel no obligation to read it or anything, just thought that way the opportunity would be out there. So! It's been a good week, nothing too much to write about though. Big things: finished my (icky) weekend class today, found out the sable is un-fixable (ergo feel awful, put my parents out of another car), got to spend some time with both danville and home friends which is nice, talked to jill about looking for an apt by myself so pretty positive that's going to happen (which I am psyched about! more to come later), got (surprisingly) good grades on my stuff I got back this week, saw a new doc and kind of found out some interesting stuff on that (again, more to come later), kind of planning an Arkansas trip over break, and thanksgiving break is only like 2 weeks away!!! Yeah, as you can probably tell, I'm tired but like I said, figured I'd write something in here for those of you who may not have even known this existed. Oh and woot for daylight savings, we kind of get an extra hour of sleep tonight! Maybe Mitch did do some things right.... Well I suppose that's all for tonight friends!

I think I'll move to Australia....

It's kind of a funny thing - I have refused to let myself fall and have become so entirely accustomed to that way of thinking. I'm trying to somewhat let go of that though because in truth I know that it is not correct, nor is it healthy. So then I find myself starting to feel, just a little, and with that comes a hesitant fall. And then of course as life would have it, something happens and I am snapped back to my resolute way of thinking. I find myself with several reasons at ready for why I have chosen this, why it is the best thing for all parties involved. I've no idea how to remedy this, or if it is something that I actually desire. A friend of mine said to me offhandedly the other day that I was going to be an expensive wife, referring to my medical issues. I told him that that was one of the reasons that I wasn't going to get married. He thought I was joking. But it's the truth. I do have several reasons for why I say that, but that is one of the major ones. I see what my problems do to my parents, the mental, emotional, physical, and financial stress that it puts on them. They didn't have a choice; I was born to them and became their responsibility. Granted, they could have disregarded my complaints, told me things weren't a problem, and just let me be sans doctors. But they are phenomenal parents. And that wasn't even an option to them. So they have spent uncountable hours, dollars, and tears on me, none of which I can give back. The financial aspect I plan to do my best towards. Once I graduate nursing school I plan to immediately get a job. I'll have rent, insurance, phone, loan repayments, and such. But I will be supporting only myself, no family, so I plan to support my parents, to repay them what little I can to relieve some of the financial burdens I have unintentionally placed on them. That's another reason against marriage. And I know what I have done to them. I can't take that back and I can't ask them to stop. But I can prevent another person I love to have to go through the same things. I don't want to be in love and see that person feel guilt or pain or have to sacrifice anything in their life because of me. And I know that that would happen. I don't want to have children and see them suffer as well that way. Or to pass on anything that I have and see them go through life like this. It would be utter selfishness for me to do such things. And I would rather miss out on things like love and marriage and a family such as that than put them through this. I can do this. Holy crap I can't do this. I'm sick of having to pull myself up and through again and again. I'm too tired to, too worn out. Is there an end? Not one that I can see. I got a corticosteroid injection today, hurt incredibly bad and still does. I scheduled my next surgery. Well, didn't pick the exact day, that'll happen in the next couple days. But it'll be mid-December, the 16th in all likelihood. I thought I was done with this. I don't want to be doing this crap during nursing school. Didn't want to. Now, a surgery in December, another bone cut, a plate and 7 screws. Then, within the next 10 years, another more intense surgery, this time on the radius. Then, sometime into the future after that, there will in all probability have to be a third one, a partial fusion of my wrist bones. For those of you who may be thinking that I'm just being dramatic and blowing things out of proportion, I'm not. I may be woe is me, but I'm not a liar nor am I the type of person to exaggerate about health issues. Desire to be the opposite. So here I am. I hurt on the inside and out and I don't know how to make it stop. I drive to Detroit on Friday for another round of all the tests and such with Wolford. I have to talk to him about it, have to figure out why it hasn't healed, have to figure out how to fix it. I'm not big enough for this.

But I am and I know it. I know this will worry those of you who actually make it through reading this whole thing. But I am fine. This is here for me and writing out all this junk helps me. It may make me come across as a crazy depressed weirdo (all of which are true to their own extent, but not in an intense combo), but I'm not. I suppose you're allowed to think that, but I'm really okay. It's just been a rough day and this was the major part of it. (Other part included a straight drive to Danville from Indy, an hour and a half late for class, and a patho/pharm test which I despise in general. We won't get into all of that though :)So, thanks for reading (it's okay if you skimmed, really) and hopefully there'll be a perkier entry soon. Oh, and I changed around some of the songs if you ever listen to those. Oh and if anyone gets the title, let me know :)