If nothing changes, everything stays the same

I first heard that phrase when I was a senior in high school and at PRC. I was young (still am :) and I was so frustrated by the phrase. What in the world was that supposed to mean? It seemed redundant to me. Of course things will stay the same if nothing changes, that's the very definition of the word. But as my time there went on, I began to understand. And as more time passes, I feel as though I come to understand it even more. And that understanding has developed into a love/hate relationship. In most areas, I am not terribly fond of change. Yet I realize that it is necessary to life. Sometimes we are forced to make a change, and sometimes it is something that we choose for ourselves. Sometimes it is a good change that comes almost naturally, and yet other times it is a choice to change that leaves you breathless and scrambling to make sense of life again. This has all been heavy on my mind for quite some time. I feel as though the past two years of my life have been filled immense change. Some good, some bad. And I'm afraid it's not done yet. I wish for just a little while life would slow down. I think I'm still reeling and for some reason I can't quite seem to find my footing. This is random and incomplete, but it's a start :) Goodnight friends.

2 weeks? 3 months? Years??

Oh dear Barbara.  What a life, eh?  I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed tonight and not really for any good reason.  Went for a short bike ride and just got to thinking about everything that is currently going on, all the changes that I will be facing in the coming months, what some of the choices will entail and the heartache that I will inevitably encounter.  I think what's put me in the funk tonight is that I have the RN comp tomorrow afternoon and I'm seeing it as the first acknowledgment of my impending doom..... Okay not really.  But I am stressed about it.  Getting a 69.3% on it means that you have a 90% chance of passing the NCLEX the first time (it's basically like a mini NCLEX) and on the practice ones I've gotten a 60 and a 64. Eh. I'm more concerned about being able to sit through 150 questions straight. And my two roomies who are two of my closest friends are leaving in like 2 weeks to move halfway across the world.  I have no idea when I will see them again.  And thinking about the NCLEX makes me think about jobs.  And thinking about jobs makes me think about the future and the future makes me think about everything I once thought and dreamed it would include and thinking about my dreams makes me wonder if I'm willing to sacrifice them or trade them in for others or if they are truly sacrifices and how much of your dreams make up who you are and if I want to change who I am.  And so on and so on and so on.  Basically I'm just thinking too much.  I have several months before anything has to be set in stone (although I have already been made to make steps towards that setting).  Oof.  Sorry everybody, this is rambly and seems like I'm complaining, but basically I just need to write some thoughts somewhere.  This is the spot tonight I guess :)

Oh dear. Now it really has been awhile since I've written. 3+ months? Wow. I feel like so much has happened in that time. It's incredible really. But, as usual, I don't really have time to give justice to everything. An overview maybe? I start my last semester of college ever (okay, let's be honest, knowing me I'll probably go back someday. but not for a long llooonnnnggg time). Good gravy. I'm so ready to be done but at the same time so don't want to do it. Eh, nothing to it but to do it, right? And then dear friends, I will be a nurse. A nurse!! Eek. What else? My sister is married. Shoot dang. She is now Stacie Jeffries (which I still can't get used to). On that subject, I'm also going to be an aunt again. They are expecting and in January I will welcome a niece or nephew :) Little excited, little scared. I chopped off my hair again, super short. I quite like it. Oh and then there's that minor detail of a boyfriend. Good gracious. Somehow I met an incredible man who I've fallen quite head over heels for. Yeah, weird to hear that from me, I know. But it's true. Terrifyingly so. Anyhow, I'm getting up early to pick a friend up from the airport so it's to be for this chicka. Good to talk to you again; night friends :)

Coming home

Well hello there. It's been awhile, I feel as though I should re-introduce myself..... Ha but really, sorry for being MIA for a few weeks. They've been kinda hectic. There is of course much that I want to write about, but I am running a bit low on sleep and exhausted (ergo the silliness, I apologize in advance). I'll see how far I get tonight, then probably just add more posts as I have time :)

Well let's see...where to begin? I guess the biggest thing would probably be that I am officially halfway done with nursing school. Phew. I am so glad to have made it this far without too many breakdowns and without alienating myself from the people I care about too terribly. It's taking a toll on me, for sure, but well, I'm a little proud of myself if you'll allow it. The thought of doing nursing freaked me out at Harding, ergo the abrupt drop and switching of majors. But I'm doing it. And I'm doing okay at it. Please allow a small venting session..... I did well enough in my classes this semester, but I knew nearly as soon as I started that I was not applying myself the way that I should be. I'm still not sure what all it was that caused it, maybe the moving, maybe being utterly burnt out on school, maybe my desire to be with people whom I couldn't be with because of the fact that I was doing nursing school. Meh. Regardless, I was a slacker. But around halfway through the semester I got my act together and applied myself better. Unfortunately I may have been a bit late. Okay you can skip these next few sentences, many mock me, but my grades are important to me. Final grade tally: OB - 92.6%, Med-surg - 91.3%, Patho/Pharm II - A (don't know the final percentage), Gero - no idea yet. He's a turd. Okay, so excluding gero, those look like all A's right? Woot! Not. You see, Lakeview's silly and for some reason decided that the usual 10% grade differences just wasn't good enough. Our grading scale: A 93-100, B 85-92, C 77-84, <77 you might as well forget it, because a C (or a 77%) is the lowest grade you can get in a course, all else is failing. Yeah. So my 92.6% is not good enough by 0.4%. Argh. Yeah, I know, B's are good too. But the ever present perfectionism tells me they're not quite good enough. (I will include that I held A's in all of them until stinkin ATIs, but that's another rant for another day.) Okay, I'm done, moving on. I'm halfway done :) And I've made some amazing friends in the past two semesters. I don't know how I would've made it this far without them. (This also applies to my dear friends who have always been there for me. You all are amazing, and I don't know how I would've made it through all I have, including nursing school, without you.) Monday morning was the last final for most of us, and a group of us decided to go to Champaign to celebrate. It was really fun. Also checked another thing off of my bucket list, rode in a taxi for the very first time :) And second time. Here's a picture of most of us from the night.

 Me, Kalyn, Jamie, Vonnie, Cassie, Ije, Karianne

 Then us being goofy...

These are my closest friends from Lakeview, many of you have heard me talk about them. Chris is on the far right. Plus Thelma, but she didn't come out with us.

Oh, pre-halfway point (the weekend before finals) we had Stacie's shower. Oufti. It went well, but for some reason my mother decided that I should do everything during the actual shower and I was going a bit nuts. I don't like to talk in front of people if I can help it generally, and really not if I don't know exactly what I'm doing and going to say. But I did, and I did okay. And I understand Mom wanting to actually participate and enjoy it, I mean it's her daughter, she shouldn't have to work through it all. The shower went well, Stacie and the guests all enjoyed it (or at least they said they did :), and it was really good to see a lot of people I don't get to see too often anymore. Some pictures:

So this is the sign I made (the morning of the shower :) to put out front. I'm a little proud of it :) But Stacie was taking it to put it up and it was super windy. The balloons flying around, um, "inspired" Mom....

 And this was the result. Haha it's rather symbolic I think - this wedding's going to be the death of all of us (or rather the planning of it)

These are little chocolates my momma made for the shower. I was being all artsy-fartsy before I had to do anything :)

 This is the cake. Freakin stinkin thing won't rotate right - it's right on my computer but when I upload it, it turns. I give up.

 Artsy-fartsy strikes again.

 One of the few duties I asked of mom was to take pictures during it....she kinda failed (giving her a hard time, but really....) so we never got one with everyone there. This was most though, you can kind of see how everything was set up.

 The food table. And Noah, Leticia's adorable boy. Yeah, Mom's cutting the cake with floss. Because she's awesome like that.

 One of the, ahem, 'older' ladies got Stacie this....little awkward. But fun :)

 Mom made these little flower pots for table decorations. Pretty much everything about this shower was handmade :)

Yeah, including the confetti on the tables. Seriously. Because, again, we're awesome

Okay clearly I'm getting a bit goofy as I continue without sleep. Going to go attempt to remedy that. More to come soon, along with lots more pictures (I guess I've been a bit picture happy lately). Night friends

Weddings and mushrooms and school.....oh my!

It's nearly 11 and I'm lying in bed, desiring sleep, but unable to make it happen. Several reasons behind that, most of which will be addressed in the following.

I'm halfway through the first week of insanity. And I'm still kickin - always a good sign. (By the way, this post is going to be a bit scattered, my apologies.) Today I had my first and biggest ATI. Thankfully, I passed, with a level 2. A little irked that I didn't get a level 3 (only missed it by about 3 questions), but glad I passed it regardless, after hearing from several of my friends who didn't. Check one thing off the list. After the test I went to lunch with a couple of my friends, Karianne and Jessica (ironically we went to Charlotte's, first time I've actually gotten food there). Then the three of us headed over to the Key Club, Jess and I stayed for about four hours. I'm surprised by how much I actually enjoy going there. It's hard to see how the people are, and to know how to respond to them, but at the same time they inevitably make me laugh like crazy. Not to mention I'm becoming quite the expert at Uno. Oh, the key club is an adult day care, for Alzheimer's patients. Some of them are in the earlier stages and can still communicate and function pretty well, but some of them are pretty advanced. It's hard, and makes me terrified to grow old. But that's a whole different topic.

I went home this weekend (it's looking like I'll be going home nearly every weekend for the next month or so), and it was pretty darned eventful. First thing - Jellybean had her calf. It was a super difficult birth, took a few hours, first with just her trying to push, then Brent trying to pull her, then eventually the vet coming out and hooking her up to some sort of contraption (mom compared it to a wench) which finally got her out. She's big. The next few days consisted of going out early mornings and later in the day to put the two of them together - Jellybean wouldn't feed the calf, kicked her and threw her across the pasture (I honestly can't blame her for not really liking the thing, I mean after the pain the calf caused her it had to be hard to have any fond feelings). But gradually she warmed up to her and they're now working fine. Phew.

The weekend was also, of course, wedding-filled. Thankfully the wedding invites are basically done, and I have to admit that though they were stressful, they went a lot smoother than I had anticipated. I meant to get pictures of all the things separate, before we started working on them, and then an after shot, but this is all I ended up getting. A little description though: everything was separate, needed work to be able to use it. Stacie and Brent ordered the brown paper pre-cut, but of course we ended up doing it differently than they had thought they would, so we had to re-cut it all. Everything was typed up on my computer (I've learned better how to align stuff, but I despise it. Terrible stuff for a perfectionist to attempt.) Then we had to cut all of them, all of the RSVP cards, all of the slits in the brown paper. Had to cut the ribbon to the right length, then cut a smaller piece off of the ribbon to tie around the middle of it, then tie all of them, straighten them, tuck each end in, and glue it. Then Stacie had to address all the envelopes, put on labels (which of course we printed out, don't get me started on the problems with those), put on stamps,  etc etc. Yeah. It was a lot of work. Stacie and Brent really did most of it though. Kind of happy we did it, it's really neat to look at them now, but it was an awful weekend for it.

 

Also this weekend I went mushroom hunting. Woot! Found 34 the first day, then a quick trip the next day got 5ish. It's the first time I've actually been able to go for about 5 years, and I loved it. Love the fact that I still know my woods like the back of my hand, though a lot has changed.


Unfortunately, there were some consequences to my trips in the woods, much of what's keeping me up now. Okay, so I realize that this is pretty much my own fault, but in all fairness I haven't got poison ivy since I was like 12. So naturally, I don't take much precautions to it, I see it and I know it's there, but it's just another weed to me. Yeah....something went wrong this time. I noticed an itchy line right under my lip (almost on it) on Sunday but didn't think much of it. But really, my lip? Come on mother nature. Cut me a break. Somehow whatever it is (I still don't want to believe it's poison ivy) has spread to my chest, my belly, my leg, my arms, etc. I was fine with it until I woke up with an itchy eye this morning....which has developed into itchy bumps right under my tear duct on my left eye that are driving me nuts and my right eye is starting to itch like crazy too. Unfortunately can't put any cala-whatever lotion on them. Meh. We'll see what happens.

Oh and it was my brother's birthday this weekend too. Happy birthday big brother :)










We didn't have a number 2 candle....so yeah, we made one out of paper. Then lit it on fire. And that's a Ritter's cake :)

Almost there

SO. It's Thursday, April 14. Officially two weeks of "classes" then finals week. Good gravy. I'm so ready for this semester to be over, but at the same time, it just keeps going. I cannot wait for the end of this month, when I will essentially be done, none of us can. It's all we say - "three more weeks" or "I can't wait for May." Bbbuuuttttt. Here's the kicker. Finals week is May 2-6 (technically, more on that later). Then summer classes start on May 16th. And with that comes 5 hour lectures since we'll have 16 weeks of work crammed into about 10 weeks. Plus I'll have 3 clinicals, some of which will be entire weekends spent in Indy. Oof. I'm too brain dead to even think about doing all of that. But here's the good news. Here's what the next two weeks will consist of (school wise that is):

- 2 gero clinicals
- 1 OB clinical evaluation (basically just talking about the semester over lunch, none too shabby)
- 2 med-surg MetiMan clinicals
- 2 regular exams (Med-surg and patho/pharm II)
- 3 ATIs (which are the big things, pass/fail type of stuff)
- 8 more volunteer hours for gero
- 3 case studies
- 1 gero paper
- 1 gero journal (technically like 16 entries...kicking myself for putting that off)
- 3 sets of remediation cards for the ATIs

Not too bad right? Then after that is finals week. Most of my classes, well just two I guess, are using the ATIs for our finals. I'll have a final in gero for sure (that counts for 50% of my grade after not having lecture since March 7th, I could vent/rant for days about that class). The only other possible final is in patho/pharm II, but if I get a level 2 or higher on that ATI (and I better, there are only three levels and level 1 is basically failing) then I don't have to take the final in that class, unless I want to (ha.). SO. If everything goes as planned, I'll be done on May 2nd, after my gero final in the morning. Which gives me nearly two full weeks off. Woot! Which will probably be spent cleaning the barn or scraping and painting the fence, or working on other wedding-related stuff. Eh. Could be worse. As long as I can read a book and occasionally sleep in, I'll be happy. Ha, I'm sure you all wanted to know exactly what my school life consists of, my bad.

Here's some lyrics to the song that I'm taking as my theme song for the rest of the year. If you haven't seen The Princess and the Frog, I suggest looking into it.

"And I'm almost there, I'm almost there
People down here think I'm crazy, but I don't care
Trials and tribulations, I've had my share
There ain't nothing gonna stop me now 'cause I'm almost there"

In other news, we're getting chicks! I think Dad ordered 50ish, not really sure, but I know that he got fun ones, the kinds that lay colored eggs and have funny feathers and such. And we'll have calves soon (hopefully). I feel like the stinkin' cows have been pregnant forever, not really sure when they'll actually drop. I'll admit - I'm a little excited to be here for the summer. It'll be the first full summer since the one after my sophomore year. I was taking classes and working that summer too though. [I also realized the other day that this is my first Midwest spring since 2006. Can you say mushroom hunting?!] Sadly, I don't think being in a demo derby will get checked off my bucket list this summer even though I'll actually be here for the fair. Mom pointed out that we don't have a car anymore (we usually always have at least one derby-able car sitting around), and that I'll have classes, and that the wedding will consume the summer. I secretly think that she just wants to make sure I'm off of her insurance and on my own before I ever do it :) Oh and she pointed out that I was already in my own derby this past fall (when I totaled my car). Very funny Mom.

There's also all the wedding stuff, that's taking up a large portion of my plate now. This weekend is apparently operation Stacie's wedding invitations. Yeah...she still hasn't done them. I told Mom that she and I should start an invitation making business, we're getting plenty of practice. I even said we could get Meg to do photography and make it a big combo wedding package business. Got a bit of a death stare in response :) But really, I'm doing better about all of the wedding stuff. Better attitude. Not going to write much on that, it would all come out wrong.

Well I'm off to do all this stuff on my list instead of just writing about it. Oh, I may also make this thing public again. The permissions stuff keeps messing up and, well, it's starting to just seem kind of silly to me.

Alive

I'm tired. I'm exhausted: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I'm overworked overwrought overFibro'd. I'm over it. Sick of weddings, sick of school, sick of the endless refrain of signs and symptoms and labs and values in my head. Sick of going through the check out line and instead of seeing candy and tabloids, seeing the man's clubbed fingernails and worrying about his oxygenation. Sick of worrying about every dime I spend, calculating every gas-tank-fill-up grocery-store-stock-up over and over until I can't add or subtract or think clearly enough to write right as right and not write. Sick of measuring and remeasuring and worrying about 4 inches or 4 and a quarter/is it in the middle/will they be able to tell/will it be good enough/am I ever going to be okay with this/will they last together/what will happen if they don't? Sick of hurting. Sick of wondering what it would be like to not have a headache to not wake up and hurt too much to move to bite into an apple to feel 22 to run a mile and not feel it for the next 62 to not be afraid to touch or hug or wrestle or dance or fall. Sick of poor attitudes. Sick of being angry. Sick of longing for joy and being frustrated that I can't find it or figure out where it went or how it did or why or if it'll ever be found again. Sick of ignoring things so vital to me, of them taking up residence on the back burner. Sick of being okay with them being there. Or telling myself that I am. Sick of needing perfection, of it never being good enough. Of spending hours to clean out my car instead of one, of spending days making invitations that could've just been bought and done, of a 99 never comparing to a 100. Sick of asking questions that I cannot answer, of shouting frustrations at the sky. Sick of not acknowledging the fact that some questions will never be answered. Sick of running for/from that reason.

And yet somehow, someway, it's days like this, weeks like this, the ones that are so desperately hard, that make me feel so very alive. Make me realize just how much I've done, how far I've come, things that I can do. Walking in my woods and seeing the new greens, the new paths deer have made just since last year, the new life. Cranking my radio up and singing my heart out in old shorts and a t-shirt with a shop-vac for a microphone in the middle of my parents' front yard - and not caring what anyone thinks. Knowing that I've made something with my own two hands that people will get, will see, will [hopefully] appreciate. Knowing what clubbed fingernails mean, what a WBC of 14000 means or why a person's heart shouldn't beat 150 times a minute. Hugging my nephew and hearing about him flying. Having a scrape a foot long down my leg and foot because I went into the woods in shorts and chacos and yes, I did fall. Getting back up. Knowing that simple scratch is more significant to me than a new pair of jeans would ever be. Laughing until I cry at a friend's recollection of pizza on her butt. Being tired when I lay down at night because I did something with my life that day. Dancing like a fool and not caring. Air drumming. Reconnecting with an old friend because of an accidental text. Giving my mom her shots. Passing my classes. Putting in a Foley, putting in an NG, starting IVs. Making someone smile. Smiling. Being able to wake up in the morning. Being alive.

Honestly, I could go on and on about either side of the spectrum. The point of it is: I'm alive. I'm living. And no real life is going to come without pain, no real joys without heartaches. Yeah, my life kinda sucks sometimes. Until I step out of my perspective and see that wow, my life rocks. It's just hard to have the strength to do that sometimes.


These are some pictures of the invitations that Mom and I made for Stacie's bridal shower. Despite all of the frustrations, loud discussions, anal retentiveness, I'm really glad we did it. And a little proud. Please forgive.

And this, well this is just one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies. Always makes me smile, most of the time laugh. Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tJoIaXZ0rw
(sorry, had to link it, but I assure you, it's worth watching)