Everytime it rains

Oof. It's been quite the couple of weeks. I feel as though there are many major events that I could write about, but I'll just leave it at a couple.

I moved into my apartment! It has to be the weirdest, most mismatched place ever, so naturally I love it. I keep on aiming to take pictures or a video or something but have yet to. I'm at home for the weekend, but maybe when I go back on Monday (no school because of MLKJ day) I'll get around to it. And I'll put whatever it is up here so you all can share in my joy :) But really, it is a strange sort of place. I'm really enjoying being out on my own again, but it is still weird. I've met two of my neighbors so far, I like them both. By neighbors I mean people who live in the upstairs; it's an old house that they've turned into an apartment. I've got to talk to one of them, Jeff, a few times. He has a really cool story - what I know of it so far. I hope to learn more.

I also started classes again. Woot? Mixed feelings there. It's good to see everyone again and be surrounded once more by people who understand and can commiserate with what I'm going through. It's also cool to have the feeling again of working towards something, towards what a large part of my life is going to be. But...well let's face it, I'm lazy. Just burnt out I suppose. Already I have tons of studying to do, homework type stuff, quizzes next week to study for....and have I done any of it? Negatory. Motivation is already lacking, which cannot be a good thing. I don't know though, maybe it'll just take me a bit to get back into the swing of things, to buckle down and push myself to do everything.

A recent thing: my sister bought her wedding dress today. Wait, what? My sister? Wedding dress? Marriage?! Yeah, I still haven't wrapped my mind completely around all of that. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for her. (Those of you who have been with me through that journey know that that wasn't always the case.) But we went to her appointment tonight to try it on again and for me to try bridesmaid dresses on. I think with every step that we take towards the wedding it becomes less surreal and more a part of my reality. I was alternating between a few dresses for her to look at and there was all this wedding talk going on. Who all the bridesmaids were, what kind of dresses they would all wear, what my sister's dress looked like, when the wedding was, where it would be, who she was marrying, etc etc. All these details about this huge event that I evidently still haven't quite accepted. In a weird sort of way though, I realized another thing during all of it. I think I'm....jealous. It's pretty weird. A wedding and marriage is not something that I have really pictured myself in. You know how there are some girls who know their whole life that that's what they want, to be married, to have a family, a house, some even dream of their wedding and have the details planned out long before the event can even happen. I've never really been that girl. I mean, I know that someday I would like to be married. No one really wishes to go through life alone do they? Maybe some people, but not really me.  The thought of marriage though is something that I have pushed away for a very long time. Now I see my sister, in love with this man who I know would do anything for her. I see them planning together the house that they will live in, will raise their children in, will grow old - together - in. And I feel this strange longing in me. Weird, I know, and it's a weird way to say it. But strangely enough it is true. I've always been the one so focused on my future, on my dreams of travel, of helping do something to make a change - all these crazy dreams. And I've always adamantly told myself that in order to fulfill those dreams, marriage couldn't be in the picture. And I've been okay with that. (Others have tried to tell me differently, and part of me knows that it's true, they can be combined into a beautiful thing. I'm not completely crazy, I promise.) But I'm 22 (I never used to think that was old) and now when I play out my 'dreams' time line in my head, I'm a little shocked. Let's say loosely that I have another year of school, one to two years of solid experience, a few years of travel nursing or MSF, and then settling down? That puts me at like 28ish. What?! Again, that's not really old or anything, but I do want to have kids (as terrified as I am of it). I don't really want to be the parent that's mistaken for a grandparent at school events. And I'm scared enough of health stuff, and those risks will just go up with my age. I was talking to one of my friends the other day about compromise. Would I be willing to compromise? To sacrifice (for lack of a better word) some of my dreams in order to have others? I worry that I've set a plan too firmly in my head (and my heart) and may have missed out on other opportunities. Or that I will continue marching forward with my blinders on, too future focused to stop and look around me and enjoy what I have here in the present. Ugh. Sorry, I realize that this has again become one large ramble/rant. It's just a lot of what I have been thinking about lately.

In other news: I'm going to church with Megan tomorrow, and I'm pretty excited about it. She may hate me because it's already 2am and I'm supposed to meet her at 9....yeah, pretty sure I'll be a bit cranky. My bad Meg. Along the same note though, Mom asked me if we were going to meet them for lunch tomorrow (my family always goes out to lunch on Sundays after church). I said we would and she told me, in an uber serious manner, that her and dad had an announcement to make to all of us together tomorrow, and that we weren't to share it. What is that?! I mean really? Well I tried to pry something out of her, which got me nowhere. Asked if they were getting a divorce (jokingly), to which I got a no. Was she pregnant? To which I got a look and an oh-my-goodness-I-hope-not-look-how-the-first-three-turned-out. Were they selling the house? To which I got a you'll have to wait and see. That's what I got to anything else I said as well. But I'm not going to lie, she has me wondering - and worried. Stinking woman. It's probably something silly and she's just getting a sick pleasure out of torturing me. Mothers.

Alright, I suppose I'm going to attempt sleep now. Sorry for the rambling and the lack of grammar and the excessive use of parentheses - wow, just looked at that. Oh well. I hope you all are well and that you all have fantastic upcoming weeks!