I'm tired. I'm exhausted: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I'm overworked overwrought overFibro'd. I'm over it. Sick of weddings, sick of school, sick of the endless refrain of signs and symptoms and labs and values in my head. Sick of going through the check out line and instead of seeing candy and tabloids, seeing the man's clubbed fingernails and worrying about his oxygenation. Sick of worrying about every dime I spend, calculating every gas-tank-fill-up grocery-store-stock-up over and over until I can't add or subtract or think clearly enough to write right as right and not write. Sick of measuring and remeasuring and worrying about 4 inches or 4 and a quarter/is it in the middle/will they be able to tell/will it be good enough/am I ever going to be okay with this/will they last together/what will happen if they don't? Sick of hurting. Sick of wondering what it would be like to not have a headache to not wake up and hurt too much to move to bite into an apple to feel 22 to run a mile and not feel it for the next 62 to not be afraid to touch or hug or wrestle or dance or fall. Sick of poor attitudes. Sick of being angry. Sick of longing for joy and being frustrated that I can't find it or figure out where it went or how it did or why or if it'll ever be found again. Sick of ignoring things so vital to me, of them taking up residence on the back burner. Sick of being okay with them being there. Or telling myself that I am. Sick of needing perfection, of it never being good enough. Of spending hours to clean out my car instead of one, of spending days making invitations that could've just been bought and done, of a 99 never comparing to a 100. Sick of asking questions that I cannot answer, of shouting frustrations at the sky. Sick of not acknowledging the fact that some questions will never be answered. Sick of running for/from that reason.
And yet somehow, someway, it's days like this, weeks like this, the ones that are so desperately hard, that make me feel so very alive. Make me realize just how much I've done, how far I've come, things that I can do. Walking in my woods and seeing the new greens, the new paths deer have made just since last year, the new life. Cranking my radio up and singing my heart out in old shorts and a t-shirt with a shop-vac for a microphone in the middle of my parents' front yard - and not caring what anyone thinks. Knowing that I've made something with my own two hands that people will get, will see, will [hopefully] appreciate. Knowing what clubbed fingernails mean, what a WBC of 14000 means or why a person's heart shouldn't beat 150 times a minute. Hugging my nephew and hearing about him flying. Having a scrape a foot long down my leg and foot because I went into the woods in shorts and chacos and yes, I did fall. Getting back up. Knowing that simple scratch is more significant to me than a new pair of jeans would ever be. Laughing until I cry at a friend's recollection of pizza on her butt. Being tired when I lay down at night because I did something with my life that day. Dancing like a fool and not caring. Air drumming. Reconnecting with an old friend because of an accidental text. Giving my mom her shots. Passing my classes. Putting in a Foley, putting in an NG, starting IVs. Making someone smile. Smiling. Being able to wake up in the morning. Being alive.
Honestly, I could go on and on about either side of the spectrum. The point of it is: I'm alive. I'm living. And no real life is going to come without pain, no real joys without heartaches. Yeah, my life kinda sucks sometimes. Until I step out of my perspective and see that wow, my life rocks. It's just hard to have the strength to do that sometimes.
These are some pictures of the invitations that Mom and I made for Stacie's bridal shower. Despite all of the frustrations, loud discussions, anal retentiveness, I'm really glad we did it. And a little proud. Please forgive.
And this, well this is just one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies. Always makes me smile, most of the time laugh. Love.
So.....normally I don't ever do these type of things, but I feel like this post should be something positive, and for that I may need a few guidelines. Thanks go to Natasha for introducing me to it :)
I'm loving.....pulling up my calendar and it showing all the rest of my classes for this semester at once - only three and a half more weeks in April!
I'm loving.....waking up to a phone call from Chris because he couldn't remember what time we were supposed to be at school. And getting to tell him he was there an hour early....and getting a "son of a b____!!" in response. Bahahaha
I'm loving.....practicing IVs!! I know it sounds weird, but we got to practice a bunch today and work with MetiMan scenarios. Reaffirms that I want to be doing this, that I enjoy it.
I'm loving.....the library. A-maz-ing. The one here is probably my favorite one of all the places I've lived and had a card (the count is currently at five, by the way :) Let's just say my music collection has expanded greatly in the past few months.
I'm loving.....my friends. They may be far away, but just talking to them makes me uber happy.
I'm loving.....the cardiovascular system! Okay....not really....but that's my way of incorporating what I'm studying...makes me feel better about the fact that I'm not actually studying :)
Okay, that's it for now, gotta try to get some sleep so I can spend the morning cramming more for the exam. Night friends!!
So I've decided to let myself invest a little bit of time in this - hence the new look and such. After a little bit of research, I've learned how to add pages, which I am super excited about! Right now I'm just kind of fiddling with it, but there's a quotes page now ^ They'll change, and hopefully I'll continue to add and tweak stuff. Just thought I'd let you all know! As always, thanks for reading.
(Title is of course in reference to a song, Changes by Butterfly Boucher)
I have been "working" on this post for quite some time now; it's been sitting in the drafts, patiently waiting for me to finish and post it. Yet another example at my lack of follow through. Anyway, this is basically just some more randomness from my crazy life :)
Today I offer up some of the best advice I have ever come across. I cannot take credit for it. A friend introduced me to the song, and I honestly asked if we could change it after only a few seconds of listening. Luckily, I wasn't allowed. It's quirky, yes, but it is really awesome. There's quite a bit of back story to it, but the gist is that it was an article written by Mary Schmich. From there, it got spread around under the rumor that it was a graduation speech (it wasn't, though now I think it's used as such). It has been made into multiple songs - I put the video to the one I heard first at the bottom.
Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen) Mary Schmich
Chicago Tribune
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are NOT as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
I desperately want to write on here in length about the past week or so. But it's Sunday night, meaning that tomorrow is Monday and Mondays are killers. So I'll just spend a few minutes.
As you can tell, I'm trying to redo the look of this thing again. I forget how picky I am and how much time I can spend trying to get everything just as I want it. That being said, I'm not sure I like this setup up that much. It may change again.
This past week has been pretty eventful. It was the first one back from spring break, and I had roommate trials the first few days. They went well. I think we both passed. It'll be weird living with JC, a weird dynamic and I'm sure we'll drive each other nuts by the end of it. But he's my brother, and I'm sure we'll come out fine on the other side of it. Also helps that he's set the standard for personal chef and maid pretty high :) I got to go to the OR for clinical on Wednesday which was really cool. I think I'd really like to be an OR nurse. But we'll see. Yesterday I went to the book sale at the library....good grief it was awesome. I made a new friend: Carolina Pe, an awesome elderly Asian woman. She was volunteering at the sale, helping out and such, and just came up and started talking to me (with an accent :) while I was looking around. We were talking and she asked how old I was, I laughed and replied 22....she took like three steps back with her jaw on the floor :) We had a good laugh over it. Anyway, she told me I just had to had to read this one book and she took it back with hers so I could buy it after 2:30, when they were starting the "bag sale." Anyway, there's lots to say on her, but suffice it say I came back at 2:30, she was uber excited to see me again, and I bought way too many books. I gave her my number and hope to hear from her again. There was another volunteer that we talked to for awhile, and then a guy there who I gave Tuesdays With Morrie to (after I had paid and had my box sitting on the table he pointed to it and exclaimed "I was looking for that one!" so I gave it to him, told him I'd already read it and was more than happy to see someone else read it). All in all got four hugs from people I had just met. I think I'm falling in love with this community. Today was the community baby shower at the Boys and Girls Club in Fair Oaks, this really impoverished part of Danville. Some of the girls in their last semester at Lakeview put it on for their legacy project. Again, much to say on that. It was really cool to see how much stuff they had gotten donated for it to give to the mothers. It was also really hard though to see these women who had two or three kids already with another on the way, and obviously not sufficient financial support to bring them up how one would think would be adequately. (Yes I know that's horrid grammar, but I'm tired and having trouble conveying what I mean) But I got to set up and spend time with some of my friends, then helped watched the kids while the moms participated in the shower stuff. I realized today that it's been a long time since I spent time around a lot of kids. Got to hold a 2 month old for a long time though, it was good. One of my friends looked at me at one point and said "This is good birth control." She's totally right.
So anyway, as usual rambly and somewhat incoherent. But a small piece of my past week. This of course says nothing about break; I'll get to that eventually. Night friends.
The books :) 36 in all, well 38 if you count the ones that are more than one book in a one. Er, yeah. 3 bucks for almost all of them except for a couple that I paid for individually before coming back - I was afraid they'd be gone and they were ones I really wanted.
A favorite quote from tonight: "The greatest part about being a guy...the world's your bathroom. That and you can write in the snow." Gotta love hanging out with my brother and his friends :)
Playlist of the evening: for the rougher days. Partially due to his taste and partially because it's good driving music. Specifics: last train home, closure, take this, hollowman, and fine again. If you're awesome you'll know the artists.
Today's my last real day of break. Oufti. Was it everything I hoped? Yeah, I think it was. It was what I needed in the very least. This next week's going to be hard. Not school-wise, but life-wise. Thankfully I have amazing friends, one of whom is coming to stay with me, possibly two who are.
Supposedly tonight was a full moon and not just that, but the biggest in several years. I saw nothing. Funny how things don't turn out how you think.
Alright, to bed. Or rather couch, my bed's occupied. Hoping for no drama at church tomorrow but at the same time hoping for some closure which will inevitably entail drama. Then wedding planning, frantic packing, back to Danville for hurried homework with company. All in all it'll be an interesting day :)
There is something about the night that I absolutely love. I don't know that I would be able to put it into words, but there's just something about the dark, the stillness, the knowledge that you are awake while most of the rest of the world is sleeping. In that darkness something else is illuminated - or maybe it's just that I'm able to see better somehow without all the distractions, all the things that the daylight hides. Strange, that. Maybe I've just never lost that little kid wonder at what happens when everyone is sleeping. Regardless, something in me loves insomnia, detrimental though I know it is to my body. Tonight I was actually okay with the idea of going to bed at a "normal" (maybe that's it, I just like to rebel at the thought of normal) time, but I put on my TENS unit (or Tim, if you prefer) late, so I'm staying up so I can leave it on for longer. Trying to be better with that.
I hadn't realized that it'd been so long since I'd written anything on here. You may have to suffer through a very long post, or a couple of rather broken up ones, because I have so much to say. A lot has seemed to happen in the past few weeks.
First off, I got to go to Arkansas. Dear goodness. I have been so blessed (please forgive the word usage, or perhaps just allow it; it still tastes funny in my mouth, but it is something I am finding my way back into) with the people in my life. My family has grown to an alarmingly large number, and they are unfortunately spread far apart (geographically). Anyway, I was able to see some of them in Arkansas. Leaving was a funny sort of thing. I got the idea in my head and I was starting to freak out about the next week of school, and I nearly ran out. Not literally, but it wasn't really planned to be that way - though nothing was really planned. For the first couple of hours back, I fought the urge to just turn around and go back, shrug off my silliness, and stay another day. If living without them is hard, having them back and then having to leave them again is horrid. But I am thankful for the time we had together - and hoping to get back in a few weeks. I was afraid that I had changed again, that they would have changed. Last time we were apart for a long time - two summers ago and part of the fall - I had become a nearly entirely different person. I still have a fear of doing that, of changing in different directions. But I think that so much of our lives have become intertwined, that even if we wanted to shake off the others, we wouldn't be able to. About the weekend though, it was really good. There was a lot going on on campus about gay rights kind of. A big hubbub that morning about an electronic magazine called the Zine, I encourage you to check it out: http://www.huqueerpress.com/ As soon as the website was put up, Harding blocked it on their internet. While I don't know the stories behind each article, and therefore their unquestionable validity, I do know that I believe in listening to others' stances on things, whether or not you agree or vehemently disagree, whether you think (in this case) it's genetic or a sin. Regardless, the door has at least been cracked for these issues to be discussed. Now it's just going to take a persistent pursuing of the conversation for it to happen. I was able to go to a concert at the Underground by a group called Emma's Revolution, and a conversation afterward. I also encourage you to give them a look/listen: http://www.emmasrevolution.com/ I missed a large part of the conversation though, as I was had to calmly get up, walk away, and tackle someone :) Well worth it though, in my opinion.
The week that I came back to was one of utter stress. It was probably one of the worst weekends for me to take the trip, but it was the one chosen and I don't regret it. I had 3 exams, a newborn assessment, two case studies, a care plan, 4 ATI exams due, and one big "assignment." I slept very little, studied more than I have any other week this semester, and consumed far too much caffeine. In conclusion, I survived. But I definitely wouldn't want to relive another week like that one. Alas, I am in nursing school and surely will. December 2011. It's close.
Friday the 11th was my first 'official' day of spring break, and it was a pretty darned good one. I slept in, got up to clean/pack/dance, then went to the school to volunteer (don't think too highly of me, there was extra credit involved). On the way there I saw a sign for a book sale, so when I left I drove around trying to find it - only to end up back right across the road from school. Irony. But anyway, I spent at least an hour there, bought 7 books, 4 records, and a game for Dylan - all for three dollars. Yep. I love stuff like that. Kind of broke my book hiatus, but I'm okay with that. After that I went back home then left to tan (wedding, 'nuff said). It's kind of fun, I'm getting to know the people there and we all generally have some fun conversations. The sun was just starting to set when I left so I decided to drive down by the lake, something I hadn't done since last semester. It was absolutely gorgeous, the surroundings and the sun setting over the lake. There are some of the most beautiful (and huge) houses I have ever seen in that area. I'm always kind of taken aback though, there is a stark difference between that area and the area around more of where I live. To go from such beautiful, landscaped, huge properties to the dirty, dingy, rundown buildings in a matter of minutes is so strange to me. How can any one place contain two such different cultures? I realize this is the norm, not a rarity, but it's something that I cannot get used to. And in all honesty, I hope I never do. I do not want to become desensitized to things like that. I also don't want to separate myself from either end of the spectrum, which is a hard thing to do.
Alright, my battery's threatening to die and I'm hoping to get up early tomorrow so I'll call it quits for now. More to surely come eventually.
