It's funny that in this time of immense change I feel more solid than I think I ever have. The temptations that I used to have don't even phase me. I even put triggers in my head and they don't do anything, at least haven't for quite a while. Slightly off topic, but just ran through my head.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't know who I am or what I am anymore. In The Awakening Edna says that she would give her life for her children, but she would not give up her 'essential' for anything or one. I used to be able to say the same - I would give my life for Christ, but also that he was what made up my essential, and that I would not sacrifice nor compromise that for anyone nor anything. Now I have nothing that seems a solid or essential part of me. I believe there is a beauty in doubt, yes, but I have never been quite to this place before. There are things that I have had questions about before but have always just accepted the pat answers that fundamentalists have always had near at hand. Peter Rollins says something about doubt that strikes me - that I'm still not sure about - that I still don't understand - but I know it means something to me. 'If you doubt, the moment you feel utterly forsaken is the moment you look like Christ crucified on the cross. Doubt is a central part of the faith.' < That is loosely quoted, it was quickly copied down during a conference this weekend. Did Jesus truly doubt God on the cross? He doubted himself - but have you known a man who has never doubted himself? In my Life of Christ class (I think I took that sophomore year) we discussed whether Jesus was born knowing he was God or if he didn't come into that knowledge until he was baptized and the clouds spoke 'This is my son' 'You are my son' depending on where you look. For those of you who may read this and worry, don't. This doesn't come from unbelief but rather belief. More to come - hopefully soon.
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