Two

Two in August! Can you believe it? I'm up at 1am when I really should be in bed - should've been in bed hours ago. But here I am...

I've made it through my first week. If you can call it making it through. From the first class I felt like I was flailing my arms in an ocean with no edge. I'm behind before I've even started. Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I know that a lot of that is attitude (which I severely need to work on) but a lot of it is the simple fact that I don't know what I'm doing. In more than one sense. Is this really what I want to do with my life? Do I want to spend the next year and a half to two years of my life completely consumed with this? Is it worth it? Why am I doing it? Is it important enough to me, is it a passion or just something that I feel like I should do? Why in the world can't I just commit to something and plow through it?

I went to two new doctors this week too. The first one was yesterday in Indy, another dentist/jaw doctor who I was referred to by Dr Wolford, my surgeon. We talked for a long time - I got to relive my lovely medical history, yet again. I actually really liked him, he was nice and genuine, didn't want to do anything invasive or anything without my permission. He and the lady that were working with us were both taken aback by everything we told them, not skeptical or condescending and I think he was extra cautious with me after he knew everything I've been through with doctors. He ground on my teeth, very minimally and asking me every time he went to do more. He said that he wasn't expecting any magical fix it thing to happen, and he wasn't promising anything like it. I appreciated that. Then today I went to see a chiropractor in town. Technically I've gone to her before, but that was probably about 5 or 6 years ago. I like her. We talked for a bit, updated stuff, and she worked on me for a while. Found out that I have a slight curvature in my spine. That was exciting (sarcasm). She looked at my wrists too and was kind of astounded by them. She referred me to a hand specialist in Indy - rather disheartening. I think I knew in the back of my mind that that was coming somehow eventually, but I've been ignoring it for so long, pretending that it didn't exist, that I guess I kind of convinced myself that there wasn't a problem. So. That's probably the next doc on the list. I do want to get it - whatever 'it' is - out of the way. But I'm wary of what that may be. And I don't know if I can handle another slew/round of doctors. Most especially in the middle of school. But I suppose I can't really control that can I?

All in all, I'm a bit down. I'm scared of doing school, or rather at not being able to do school. I'm scared and angry with my body for falling apart. And I hate not being able to do anything about it. I'm sick of health stuff (yet I decided to go to school for it....?), I'm sick of not knowing what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I'm a bit of a grump. And I'm sorry.

Your monthly notice

Well here we are in August. Maybe I should just aim for one post a month; I seem to do pretty decently at that. I am home, back in the house that I grew up in. It wasn't the original plan (do things ever go according to the original plan?) but here I am and I'm not sure when/if that will change for the next couple of years. I feel useless, pointless, blah - which is a bad place for me to be. I got home from Colorado on August 2nd and have been just that since - home. I start school (yes, again) on Monday. I am nervous, excited, exhausted at just the thought of it. I am being a horrible sister, but I can't find the willpower or patience to change that. I hoped to come home to a sister, but found that she isn't really here anymore. I don't know how to find her. I don't know if I have the energy to try. I miss my friends already; I think it's going to be harder on me than I thought, them being there and me being here. All of us continually moving in different directions. When JQ left Colorado, it hit me that that was the last time that we would live together. Probably ever but at the very least for the next 3+ years. Thinking about that makes me feel sick. It's a cruel thing, this making friends and saying goodbye. This is quite the depressing entry isn't it? Meh, I blame it on late nights and friends leaving and arguing with the people I love. On the random update note - I'm currently living in Justin's old room and it is a complete disaster. I don't think I used to be this much of a slob, but it seems as though I've become quite good at it. Funny - I accidentally typed snob instead of slob. Who knows, maybe that is true too. I hope not though. What else? Justin's house is really nice (although kind of messy because he still hasn't truly unpacked). There isn't an extra room yet because of a paint hold up, but maybe someday I'll have a temporary home there. That'd be good for sanity I think. He does have a pool though, which I consider to be free game :) I'm still plagued by this horrible homesick feeling - and I have no idea what it is that I'm sick for. It comes and goes as it pleases, sometimes taking me by such surprise and force that I just stop and close my eyes. What am I missing? I'm almost afraid that it is the ideas, the beliefs, the love that I have given up. Why am I afraid? I'm not sure that I want them back. Or that I want the baggage that comes with them. Hm. For now though I'm going to have to leave you on this confusing and rather depressing note, because I am tired. And a certain 7 year old demands that I get up at 6am tomorrow.