Two

Two in August! Can you believe it? I'm up at 1am when I really should be in bed - should've been in bed hours ago. But here I am...

I've made it through my first week. If you can call it making it through. From the first class I felt like I was flailing my arms in an ocean with no edge. I'm behind before I've even started. Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I know that a lot of that is attitude (which I severely need to work on) but a lot of it is the simple fact that I don't know what I'm doing. In more than one sense. Is this really what I want to do with my life? Do I want to spend the next year and a half to two years of my life completely consumed with this? Is it worth it? Why am I doing it? Is it important enough to me, is it a passion or just something that I feel like I should do? Why in the world can't I just commit to something and plow through it?

I went to two new doctors this week too. The first one was yesterday in Indy, another dentist/jaw doctor who I was referred to by Dr Wolford, my surgeon. We talked for a long time - I got to relive my lovely medical history, yet again. I actually really liked him, he was nice and genuine, didn't want to do anything invasive or anything without my permission. He and the lady that were working with us were both taken aback by everything we told them, not skeptical or condescending and I think he was extra cautious with me after he knew everything I've been through with doctors. He ground on my teeth, very minimally and asking me every time he went to do more. He said that he wasn't expecting any magical fix it thing to happen, and he wasn't promising anything like it. I appreciated that. Then today I went to see a chiropractor in town. Technically I've gone to her before, but that was probably about 5 or 6 years ago. I like her. We talked for a bit, updated stuff, and she worked on me for a while. Found out that I have a slight curvature in my spine. That was exciting (sarcasm). She looked at my wrists too and was kind of astounded by them. She referred me to a hand specialist in Indy - rather disheartening. I think I knew in the back of my mind that that was coming somehow eventually, but I've been ignoring it for so long, pretending that it didn't exist, that I guess I kind of convinced myself that there wasn't a problem. So. That's probably the next doc on the list. I do want to get it - whatever 'it' is - out of the way. But I'm wary of what that may be. And I don't know if I can handle another slew/round of doctors. Most especially in the middle of school. But I suppose I can't really control that can I?

All in all, I'm a bit down. I'm scared of doing school, or rather at not being able to do school. I'm scared and angry with my body for falling apart. And I hate not being able to do anything about it. I'm sick of health stuff (yet I decided to go to school for it....?), I'm sick of not knowing what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I'm a bit of a grump. And I'm sorry.