Hands

So I've been meaning to write in here pretty much all week, but haven't done so. That's pretty much the concise description of my week - good intentions, but no follow through. Not entirely true, but that's my attitude towards it all. And I've been wanting to change the layout of this thing (again) but every time I find one that I like, I realize it's going to take a little more effort than just plopping it in here; I'll need to make little tweaks and changes and such. So I keep reverting back to the original basically because I'm lazy. But brace yourself for dizziness if you get on here regularly, I daresay one day I'll overcome the laziness and then it'll change a lot. More than once.

So we're approaching Saturday again. Good grief. On Sunday nights I generally have this clenched stomach, there's no way I can make it through the whole week sort of feeling. And then it's Thursday and I'm walking out of lab in a daze, wondering where the week went. Monday thru Thursday honestly feel like they fly by. And if I haven't done enough things during the week to keep me on top of things or ahead (ha, yeah right) then I am frantic and scrambling to catch up come Saturday night and Sunday. Yeah, you're probably thinking what happened to Thursday and Friday? Oh, they happen, they just generally happen with me in a veg state accomplishing nothing. I think it's necessary for my health, but if I'm honest with myself it's not at all. Tomorrow is going to be nuts/stressed out time because I really haven't done anything school wise at all this week. We're all kind of burnt out at this point. Nursing school is no longer new and exciting, it's just time consuming and frustrating. I am constantly having to remind myself why I am doing this and that it is worth it. Sometimes I'm not very good at persuasion though.

This next week is going to be awful. Quite the attitude, eh? But really. I have a paper due Monday that I haven't started on, a patho/pharm exam Wednesday that I haven't even glanced at the material for, a test-out on Thursday that I put out of my mind as soon as I stepped out of lab last week and haven't thought of since, plus all the normal clinical and class stuff. The real biggies are appointments though: normal dentist Tuesday (which shouldn't be too bad, just not looking forward to the holding the mouth open and them screwing around with it part), Tuesday night going to spend the night in Indy to get up early on Wednesday for a "Difficult Problem Meeting" with like 10 docs to decide my fate (dramatic, mostly for comical sake), then going to Wolford on Friday (I had to schedule the appt for noon which is going to mean like a 3am morning). Driving Detroit by myself which is going to be pretty much awful, but I've done it before. At least it's at the end of the week. Sorry about the negativity, it's just all weighing on me. But I'll make it, I always do :)

This Thursday Mom and I went to a dinner/workshop about chronic pain, FM, and CFS stuff. It was honestly pretty interesting. It's always difficult for me to sit through that kind of stuff, to listen to all the junk and to not be cynical about the doctors. He actually kind of impressed me though I am still pretty skeptical. He's technically a chiropractor but he also has a masters in nutrition and another one in something else that escapes me right now. He's into holistic care, discovering and treating the cause rather than the symptoms which is awesome and in my experience rare. He does a lot of nutrition/diet stuff, finding out food allergies and sensitivities, things that he calls stressors that trigger and cause a lot of the symptoms. It's interesting for sure, but some of it still sounds kind of hokey to me. He had some sort of deal if you were at the workshop so I scheduled an appt for 11/3 for just twenty bucks which includes most all of the testing and a follow up appt to discuss the results. Will update on that when it comes.

Thursday I also went around with Jill looking at apartments in Danville and the surrounding little towns. It was really pretty much unproductive, but good to spend some time with her outside of classes. She'll be okay to live with. There's a couple other people we may have live with us who are looking for roommates now plus she has a friend from where she's from, he's starting the program in May. We'll figure something out. I need to be more proactive about looking and contacting places though.

I continue to be upset with Stacie. And I continue to not approach her about it. She's going to the wedding as well tomorrow - it'll be the first time I've actually spent time with her in probably over a month. Did I mention we live in the same house? I need to let go of my bitterness towards her. It's just hurting me and I'm not accomplishing anything with it. It's hard though. But I know I cannot change her. And it's not fair for me to hold her up to my standards, to what I think is right (although I think my position is fairly justified). I need to work on letting it all go.

This seems like such the depressing post, which it is not intended to be. I have many good things too, it just seems easier for me to vent about the bad. I am doing well in my classes which is awesome. It helps me to lose some of the intimidation I have with nursing school, the blocks I had all during my past experiences. There are still things that I feel intimidated by, things that frustrate me, things that wear me out (that's pretty much and all-inclusive category....), but I am encouraged by my small accomplishments, which do happen, and by the friends I have there. It's pretty neat. And little life things, like getting to talk to friends. Getting to spend a pretty good amount of time with Dylan which is something I've basically missed out on for years. He an amazing though certainly not flawless kid. He's called me mom a couple times on accident recently, which I'm not sure how I feel about. While part of me feels pretty good when he's done it, part of me also doesn't want to be mistaken with his actual mother at all and I also don't want him to have that - to not really know who his mom "is" because of how much time he spends with someone or what they do together, etc. I don't know. But I do love him desperately and love getting to be part of raising him.

Okay, at this point I'm not entirely sure what I've even written about, but I'm sure that there's more I'd want to say. It is, however, after one in the morning and I should really get to bed (despite having slept in till almost 11 this morning :). That being said, I'm going to get off here, leaving one last question that I have. What exactly do you wear to your first real heartbreak's wedding? Night friends