It's kind of a funny thing - I have refused to let myself fall and have become so entirely accustomed to that way of thinking. I'm trying to somewhat let go of that though because in truth I know that it is not correct, nor is it healthy. So then I find myself starting to feel, just a little, and with that comes a hesitant fall. And then of course as life would have it, something happens and I am snapped back to my resolute way of thinking. I find myself with several reasons at ready for why I have chosen this, why it is the best thing for all parties involved. I've no idea how to remedy this, or if it is something that I actually desire. A friend of mine said to me offhandedly the other day that I was going to be an expensive wife, referring to my medical issues. I told him that that was one of the reasons that I wasn't going to get married. He thought I was joking. But it's the truth. I do have several reasons for why I say that, but that is one of the major ones. I see what my problems do to my parents, the mental, emotional, physical, and financial stress that it puts on them. They didn't have a choice; I was born to them and became their responsibility. Granted, they could have disregarded my complaints, told me things weren't a problem, and just let me be sans doctors. But they are phenomenal parents. And that wasn't even an option to them. So they have spent uncountable hours, dollars, and tears on me, none of which I can give back. The financial aspect I plan to do my best towards. Once I graduate nursing school I plan to immediately get a job. I'll have rent, insurance, phone, loan repayments, and such. But I will be supporting only myself, no family, so I plan to support my parents, to repay them what little I can to relieve some of the financial burdens I have unintentionally placed on them. That's another reason against marriage. And I know what I have done to them. I can't take that back and I can't ask them to stop. But I can prevent another person I love to have to go through the same things. I don't want to be in love and see that person feel guilt or pain or have to sacrifice anything in their life because of me. And I know that that would happen. I don't want to have children and see them suffer as well that way. Or to pass on anything that I have and see them go through life like this. It would be utter selfishness for me to do such things. And I would rather miss out on things like love and marriage and a family such as that than put them through this. I can do this. Holy crap I can't do this. I'm sick of having to pull myself up and through again and again. I'm too tired to, too worn out. Is there an end? Not one that I can see. I got a corticosteroid injection today, hurt incredibly bad and still does. I scheduled my next surgery. Well, didn't pick the exact day, that'll happen in the next couple days. But it'll be mid-December, the 16th in all likelihood. I thought I was done with this. I don't want to be doing this crap during nursing school. Didn't want to. Now, a surgery in December, another bone cut, a plate and 7 screws. Then, within the next 10 years, another more intense surgery, this time on the radius. Then, sometime into the future after that, there will in all probability have to be a third one, a partial fusion of my wrist bones. For those of you who may be thinking that I'm just being dramatic and blowing things out of proportion, I'm not. I may be woe is me, but I'm not a liar nor am I the type of person to exaggerate about health issues. Desire to be the opposite. So here I am. I hurt on the inside and out and I don't know how to make it stop. I drive to Detroit on Friday for another round of all the tests and such with Wolford. I have to talk to him about it, have to figure out why it hasn't healed, have to figure out how to fix it. I'm not big enough for this.
But I am and I know it. I know this will worry those of you who actually make it through reading this whole thing. But I am fine. This is here for me and writing out all this junk helps me. It may make me come across as a crazy depressed weirdo (all of which are true to their own extent, but not in an intense combo), but I'm not. I suppose you're allowed to think that, but I'm really okay. It's just been a rough day and this was the major part of it. (Other part included a straight drive to Danville from Indy, an hour and a half late for class, and a patho/pharm test which I despise in general. We won't get into all of that though :)So, thanks for reading (it's okay if you skimmed, really) and hopefully there'll be a perkier entry soon. Oh, and I changed around some of the songs if you ever listen to those. Oh and if anyone gets the title, let me know :)
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