2 weeks? 3 months? Years??

Oh dear Barbara.  What a life, eh?  I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed tonight and not really for any good reason.  Went for a short bike ride and just got to thinking about everything that is currently going on, all the changes that I will be facing in the coming months, what some of the choices will entail and the heartache that I will inevitably encounter.  I think what's put me in the funk tonight is that I have the RN comp tomorrow afternoon and I'm seeing it as the first acknowledgment of my impending doom..... Okay not really.  But I am stressed about it.  Getting a 69.3% on it means that you have a 90% chance of passing the NCLEX the first time (it's basically like a mini NCLEX) and on the practice ones I've gotten a 60 and a 64. Eh. I'm more concerned about being able to sit through 150 questions straight. And my two roomies who are two of my closest friends are leaving in like 2 weeks to move halfway across the world.  I have no idea when I will see them again.  And thinking about the NCLEX makes me think about jobs.  And thinking about jobs makes me think about the future and the future makes me think about everything I once thought and dreamed it would include and thinking about my dreams makes me wonder if I'm willing to sacrifice them or trade them in for others or if they are truly sacrifices and how much of your dreams make up who you are and if I want to change who I am.  And so on and so on and so on.  Basically I'm just thinking too much.  I have several months before anything has to be set in stone (although I have already been made to make steps towards that setting).  Oof.  Sorry everybody, this is rambly and seems like I'm complaining, but basically I just need to write some thoughts somewhere.  This is the spot tonight I guess :)

Oh dear. Now it really has been awhile since I've written. 3+ months? Wow. I feel like so much has happened in that time. It's incredible really. But, as usual, I don't really have time to give justice to everything. An overview maybe? I start my last semester of college ever (okay, let's be honest, knowing me I'll probably go back someday. but not for a long llooonnnnggg time). Good gravy. I'm so ready to be done but at the same time so don't want to do it. Eh, nothing to it but to do it, right? And then dear friends, I will be a nurse. A nurse!! Eek. What else? My sister is married. Shoot dang. She is now Stacie Jeffries (which I still can't get used to). On that subject, I'm also going to be an aunt again. They are expecting and in January I will welcome a niece or nephew :) Little excited, little scared. I chopped off my hair again, super short. I quite like it. Oh and then there's that minor detail of a boyfriend. Good gracious. Somehow I met an incredible man who I've fallen quite head over heels for. Yeah, weird to hear that from me, I know. But it's true. Terrifyingly so. Anyhow, I'm getting up early to pick a friend up from the airport so it's to be for this chicka. Good to talk to you again; night friends :)

Coming home

Well hello there. It's been awhile, I feel as though I should re-introduce myself..... Ha but really, sorry for being MIA for a few weeks. They've been kinda hectic. There is of course much that I want to write about, but I am running a bit low on sleep and exhausted (ergo the silliness, I apologize in advance). I'll see how far I get tonight, then probably just add more posts as I have time :)

Well let's see...where to begin? I guess the biggest thing would probably be that I am officially halfway done with nursing school. Phew. I am so glad to have made it this far without too many breakdowns and without alienating myself from the people I care about too terribly. It's taking a toll on me, for sure, but well, I'm a little proud of myself if you'll allow it. The thought of doing nursing freaked me out at Harding, ergo the abrupt drop and switching of majors. But I'm doing it. And I'm doing okay at it. Please allow a small venting session..... I did well enough in my classes this semester, but I knew nearly as soon as I started that I was not applying myself the way that I should be. I'm still not sure what all it was that caused it, maybe the moving, maybe being utterly burnt out on school, maybe my desire to be with people whom I couldn't be with because of the fact that I was doing nursing school. Meh. Regardless, I was a slacker. But around halfway through the semester I got my act together and applied myself better. Unfortunately I may have been a bit late. Okay you can skip these next few sentences, many mock me, but my grades are important to me. Final grade tally: OB - 92.6%, Med-surg - 91.3%, Patho/Pharm II - A (don't know the final percentage), Gero - no idea yet. He's a turd. Okay, so excluding gero, those look like all A's right? Woot! Not. You see, Lakeview's silly and for some reason decided that the usual 10% grade differences just wasn't good enough. Our grading scale: A 93-100, B 85-92, C 77-84, <77 you might as well forget it, because a C (or a 77%) is the lowest grade you can get in a course, all else is failing. Yeah. So my 92.6% is not good enough by 0.4%. Argh. Yeah, I know, B's are good too. But the ever present perfectionism tells me they're not quite good enough. (I will include that I held A's in all of them until stinkin ATIs, but that's another rant for another day.) Okay, I'm done, moving on. I'm halfway done :) And I've made some amazing friends in the past two semesters. I don't know how I would've made it this far without them. (This also applies to my dear friends who have always been there for me. You all are amazing, and I don't know how I would've made it through all I have, including nursing school, without you.) Monday morning was the last final for most of us, and a group of us decided to go to Champaign to celebrate. It was really fun. Also checked another thing off of my bucket list, rode in a taxi for the very first time :) And second time. Here's a picture of most of us from the night.

 Me, Kalyn, Jamie, Vonnie, Cassie, Ije, Karianne

 Then us being goofy...

These are my closest friends from Lakeview, many of you have heard me talk about them. Chris is on the far right. Plus Thelma, but she didn't come out with us.

Oh, pre-halfway point (the weekend before finals) we had Stacie's shower. Oufti. It went well, but for some reason my mother decided that I should do everything during the actual shower and I was going a bit nuts. I don't like to talk in front of people if I can help it generally, and really not if I don't know exactly what I'm doing and going to say. But I did, and I did okay. And I understand Mom wanting to actually participate and enjoy it, I mean it's her daughter, she shouldn't have to work through it all. The shower went well, Stacie and the guests all enjoyed it (or at least they said they did :), and it was really good to see a lot of people I don't get to see too often anymore. Some pictures:

So this is the sign I made (the morning of the shower :) to put out front. I'm a little proud of it :) But Stacie was taking it to put it up and it was super windy. The balloons flying around, um, "inspired" Mom....

 And this was the result. Haha it's rather symbolic I think - this wedding's going to be the death of all of us (or rather the planning of it)

These are little chocolates my momma made for the shower. I was being all artsy-fartsy before I had to do anything :)

 This is the cake. Freakin stinkin thing won't rotate right - it's right on my computer but when I upload it, it turns. I give up.

 Artsy-fartsy strikes again.

 One of the few duties I asked of mom was to take pictures during it....she kinda failed (giving her a hard time, but really....) so we never got one with everyone there. This was most though, you can kind of see how everything was set up.

 The food table. And Noah, Leticia's adorable boy. Yeah, Mom's cutting the cake with floss. Because she's awesome like that.

 One of the, ahem, 'older' ladies got Stacie this....little awkward. But fun :)

 Mom made these little flower pots for table decorations. Pretty much everything about this shower was handmade :)

Yeah, including the confetti on the tables. Seriously. Because, again, we're awesome

Okay clearly I'm getting a bit goofy as I continue without sleep. Going to go attempt to remedy that. More to come soon, along with lots more pictures (I guess I've been a bit picture happy lately). Night friends

Weddings and mushrooms and school.....oh my!

It's nearly 11 and I'm lying in bed, desiring sleep, but unable to make it happen. Several reasons behind that, most of which will be addressed in the following.

I'm halfway through the first week of insanity. And I'm still kickin - always a good sign. (By the way, this post is going to be a bit scattered, my apologies.) Today I had my first and biggest ATI. Thankfully, I passed, with a level 2. A little irked that I didn't get a level 3 (only missed it by about 3 questions), but glad I passed it regardless, after hearing from several of my friends who didn't. Check one thing off the list. After the test I went to lunch with a couple of my friends, Karianne and Jessica (ironically we went to Charlotte's, first time I've actually gotten food there). Then the three of us headed over to the Key Club, Jess and I stayed for about four hours. I'm surprised by how much I actually enjoy going there. It's hard to see how the people are, and to know how to respond to them, but at the same time they inevitably make me laugh like crazy. Not to mention I'm becoming quite the expert at Uno. Oh, the key club is an adult day care, for Alzheimer's patients. Some of them are in the earlier stages and can still communicate and function pretty well, but some of them are pretty advanced. It's hard, and makes me terrified to grow old. But that's a whole different topic.

I went home this weekend (it's looking like I'll be going home nearly every weekend for the next month or so), and it was pretty darned eventful. First thing - Jellybean had her calf. It was a super difficult birth, took a few hours, first with just her trying to push, then Brent trying to pull her, then eventually the vet coming out and hooking her up to some sort of contraption (mom compared it to a wench) which finally got her out. She's big. The next few days consisted of going out early mornings and later in the day to put the two of them together - Jellybean wouldn't feed the calf, kicked her and threw her across the pasture (I honestly can't blame her for not really liking the thing, I mean after the pain the calf caused her it had to be hard to have any fond feelings). But gradually she warmed up to her and they're now working fine. Phew.

The weekend was also, of course, wedding-filled. Thankfully the wedding invites are basically done, and I have to admit that though they were stressful, they went a lot smoother than I had anticipated. I meant to get pictures of all the things separate, before we started working on them, and then an after shot, but this is all I ended up getting. A little description though: everything was separate, needed work to be able to use it. Stacie and Brent ordered the brown paper pre-cut, but of course we ended up doing it differently than they had thought they would, so we had to re-cut it all. Everything was typed up on my computer (I've learned better how to align stuff, but I despise it. Terrible stuff for a perfectionist to attempt.) Then we had to cut all of them, all of the RSVP cards, all of the slits in the brown paper. Had to cut the ribbon to the right length, then cut a smaller piece off of the ribbon to tie around the middle of it, then tie all of them, straighten them, tuck each end in, and glue it. Then Stacie had to address all the envelopes, put on labels (which of course we printed out, don't get me started on the problems with those), put on stamps,  etc etc. Yeah. It was a lot of work. Stacie and Brent really did most of it though. Kind of happy we did it, it's really neat to look at them now, but it was an awful weekend for it.

 

Also this weekend I went mushroom hunting. Woot! Found 34 the first day, then a quick trip the next day got 5ish. It's the first time I've actually been able to go for about 5 years, and I loved it. Love the fact that I still know my woods like the back of my hand, though a lot has changed.


Unfortunately, there were some consequences to my trips in the woods, much of what's keeping me up now. Okay, so I realize that this is pretty much my own fault, but in all fairness I haven't got poison ivy since I was like 12. So naturally, I don't take much precautions to it, I see it and I know it's there, but it's just another weed to me. Yeah....something went wrong this time. I noticed an itchy line right under my lip (almost on it) on Sunday but didn't think much of it. But really, my lip? Come on mother nature. Cut me a break. Somehow whatever it is (I still don't want to believe it's poison ivy) has spread to my chest, my belly, my leg, my arms, etc. I was fine with it until I woke up with an itchy eye this morning....which has developed into itchy bumps right under my tear duct on my left eye that are driving me nuts and my right eye is starting to itch like crazy too. Unfortunately can't put any cala-whatever lotion on them. Meh. We'll see what happens.

Oh and it was my brother's birthday this weekend too. Happy birthday big brother :)










We didn't have a number 2 candle....so yeah, we made one out of paper. Then lit it on fire. And that's a Ritter's cake :)

Almost there

SO. It's Thursday, April 14. Officially two weeks of "classes" then finals week. Good gravy. I'm so ready for this semester to be over, but at the same time, it just keeps going. I cannot wait for the end of this month, when I will essentially be done, none of us can. It's all we say - "three more weeks" or "I can't wait for May." Bbbuuuttttt. Here's the kicker. Finals week is May 2-6 (technically, more on that later). Then summer classes start on May 16th. And with that comes 5 hour lectures since we'll have 16 weeks of work crammed into about 10 weeks. Plus I'll have 3 clinicals, some of which will be entire weekends spent in Indy. Oof. I'm too brain dead to even think about doing all of that. But here's the good news. Here's what the next two weeks will consist of (school wise that is):

- 2 gero clinicals
- 1 OB clinical evaluation (basically just talking about the semester over lunch, none too shabby)
- 2 med-surg MetiMan clinicals
- 2 regular exams (Med-surg and patho/pharm II)
- 3 ATIs (which are the big things, pass/fail type of stuff)
- 8 more volunteer hours for gero
- 3 case studies
- 1 gero paper
- 1 gero journal (technically like 16 entries...kicking myself for putting that off)
- 3 sets of remediation cards for the ATIs

Not too bad right? Then after that is finals week. Most of my classes, well just two I guess, are using the ATIs for our finals. I'll have a final in gero for sure (that counts for 50% of my grade after not having lecture since March 7th, I could vent/rant for days about that class). The only other possible final is in patho/pharm II, but if I get a level 2 or higher on that ATI (and I better, there are only three levels and level 1 is basically failing) then I don't have to take the final in that class, unless I want to (ha.). SO. If everything goes as planned, I'll be done on May 2nd, after my gero final in the morning. Which gives me nearly two full weeks off. Woot! Which will probably be spent cleaning the barn or scraping and painting the fence, or working on other wedding-related stuff. Eh. Could be worse. As long as I can read a book and occasionally sleep in, I'll be happy. Ha, I'm sure you all wanted to know exactly what my school life consists of, my bad.

Here's some lyrics to the song that I'm taking as my theme song for the rest of the year. If you haven't seen The Princess and the Frog, I suggest looking into it.

"And I'm almost there, I'm almost there
People down here think I'm crazy, but I don't care
Trials and tribulations, I've had my share
There ain't nothing gonna stop me now 'cause I'm almost there"

In other news, we're getting chicks! I think Dad ordered 50ish, not really sure, but I know that he got fun ones, the kinds that lay colored eggs and have funny feathers and such. And we'll have calves soon (hopefully). I feel like the stinkin' cows have been pregnant forever, not really sure when they'll actually drop. I'll admit - I'm a little excited to be here for the summer. It'll be the first full summer since the one after my sophomore year. I was taking classes and working that summer too though. [I also realized the other day that this is my first Midwest spring since 2006. Can you say mushroom hunting?!] Sadly, I don't think being in a demo derby will get checked off my bucket list this summer even though I'll actually be here for the fair. Mom pointed out that we don't have a car anymore (we usually always have at least one derby-able car sitting around), and that I'll have classes, and that the wedding will consume the summer. I secretly think that she just wants to make sure I'm off of her insurance and on my own before I ever do it :) Oh and she pointed out that I was already in my own derby this past fall (when I totaled my car). Very funny Mom.

There's also all the wedding stuff, that's taking up a large portion of my plate now. This weekend is apparently operation Stacie's wedding invitations. Yeah...she still hasn't done them. I told Mom that she and I should start an invitation making business, we're getting plenty of practice. I even said we could get Meg to do photography and make it a big combo wedding package business. Got a bit of a death stare in response :) But really, I'm doing better about all of the wedding stuff. Better attitude. Not going to write much on that, it would all come out wrong.

Well I'm off to do all this stuff on my list instead of just writing about it. Oh, I may also make this thing public again. The permissions stuff keeps messing up and, well, it's starting to just seem kind of silly to me.

Alive

I'm tired. I'm exhausted: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I'm overworked overwrought overFibro'd. I'm over it. Sick of weddings, sick of school, sick of the endless refrain of signs and symptoms and labs and values in my head. Sick of going through the check out line and instead of seeing candy and tabloids, seeing the man's clubbed fingernails and worrying about his oxygenation. Sick of worrying about every dime I spend, calculating every gas-tank-fill-up grocery-store-stock-up over and over until I can't add or subtract or think clearly enough to write right as right and not write. Sick of measuring and remeasuring and worrying about 4 inches or 4 and a quarter/is it in the middle/will they be able to tell/will it be good enough/am I ever going to be okay with this/will they last together/what will happen if they don't? Sick of hurting. Sick of wondering what it would be like to not have a headache to not wake up and hurt too much to move to bite into an apple to feel 22 to run a mile and not feel it for the next 62 to not be afraid to touch or hug or wrestle or dance or fall. Sick of poor attitudes. Sick of being angry. Sick of longing for joy and being frustrated that I can't find it or figure out where it went or how it did or why or if it'll ever be found again. Sick of ignoring things so vital to me, of them taking up residence on the back burner. Sick of being okay with them being there. Or telling myself that I am. Sick of needing perfection, of it never being good enough. Of spending hours to clean out my car instead of one, of spending days making invitations that could've just been bought and done, of a 99 never comparing to a 100. Sick of asking questions that I cannot answer, of shouting frustrations at the sky. Sick of not acknowledging the fact that some questions will never be answered. Sick of running for/from that reason.

And yet somehow, someway, it's days like this, weeks like this, the ones that are so desperately hard, that make me feel so very alive. Make me realize just how much I've done, how far I've come, things that I can do. Walking in my woods and seeing the new greens, the new paths deer have made just since last year, the new life. Cranking my radio up and singing my heart out in old shorts and a t-shirt with a shop-vac for a microphone in the middle of my parents' front yard - and not caring what anyone thinks. Knowing that I've made something with my own two hands that people will get, will see, will [hopefully] appreciate. Knowing what clubbed fingernails mean, what a WBC of 14000 means or why a person's heart shouldn't beat 150 times a minute. Hugging my nephew and hearing about him flying. Having a scrape a foot long down my leg and foot because I went into the woods in shorts and chacos and yes, I did fall. Getting back up. Knowing that simple scratch is more significant to me than a new pair of jeans would ever be. Laughing until I cry at a friend's recollection of pizza on her butt. Being tired when I lay down at night because I did something with my life that day. Dancing like a fool and not caring. Air drumming. Reconnecting with an old friend because of an accidental text. Giving my mom her shots. Passing my classes. Putting in a Foley, putting in an NG, starting IVs. Making someone smile. Smiling. Being able to wake up in the morning. Being alive.

Honestly, I could go on and on about either side of the spectrum. The point of it is: I'm alive. I'm living. And no real life is going to come without pain, no real joys without heartaches. Yeah, my life kinda sucks sometimes. Until I step out of my perspective and see that wow, my life rocks. It's just hard to have the strength to do that sometimes.


These are some pictures of the invitations that Mom and I made for Stacie's bridal shower. Despite all of the frustrations, loud discussions, anal retentiveness, I'm really glad we did it. And a little proud. Please forgive.

And this, well this is just one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies. Always makes me smile, most of the time laugh. Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tJoIaXZ0rw
(sorry, had to link it, but I assure you, it's worth watching)

What I'm loving Wednesday!

So.....normally I don't ever do these type of things, but I feel like this post should be something positive, and for that I may need a few guidelines. Thanks go to Natasha for introducing me to it :)

I'm loving.....70 degree weather. Seriously.

I'm loving.....the smell of brewing coffee. Don't worry, it's decaf :)

I'm loving.....pulling up my calendar and it showing all the rest of my classes for this semester at once - only three and a half more weeks in April!

I'm loving.....waking up to a phone call from Chris because he couldn't remember what time we were supposed to be at school. And getting to tell him he was there an hour early....and getting a "son of a b____!!" in response. Bahahaha 

I'm loving.....practicing IVs!! I know it sounds weird, but we got to practice a bunch today and work with MetiMan scenarios. Reaffirms that I want to be doing this, that I enjoy it. 

I'm loving.....the library. A-maz-ing. The one here is probably my favorite one of all the places I've lived and had a card (the count is currently at five, by the way :) Let's just say my music collection has expanded greatly in the past few months. 

I'm loving.....my friends. They may be far away, but just talking to them makes me uber happy. 

I'm loving.....the cardiovascular system! Okay....not really....but that's my way of incorporating what I'm studying...makes me feel better about the fact that I'm not actually studying :)


Okay, that's it for now, gotta try to get some sleep so I can spend the morning cramming more for the exam. Night friends!!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

So I've decided to let myself invest a little bit of time in this - hence the new look and such. After a little bit of research, I've learned how to add pages, which I am super excited about! Right now I'm just kind of fiddling with it, but there's a quotes page now ^ They'll change, and hopefully I'll continue to add and tweak stuff. Just thought I'd let you all know! As always, thanks for reading.

(Title is of course in reference to a song, Changes by Butterfly Boucher)

Sunscreen

I have been "working" on this post for quite some time now; it's been sitting in the drafts, patiently waiting for me to finish and post it. Yet another example at my lack of follow through. Anyway, this is basically just some more randomness from my crazy life :) 

Today I offer up some of the best advice I have ever come across. I cannot take credit for it. A friend introduced me to the song, and I honestly asked if we could change it after only a few seconds of listening. Luckily, I wasn't allowed. It's quirky, yes, but it is really awesome. There's quite a bit of back story to it, but the gist is that it was an article written by Mary Schmich. From there, it got spread around under the rumor that it was a graduation speech (it wasn't, though now I think it's used as such). It has been made into multiple songs - I put the video to the one I heard first at the bottom.

Everybody's Free
(to wear sunscreen)  
Mary Schmich
Chicago Tribune
 
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen. 

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT. 

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

The video:

The 'actual' story, if you're interested to read:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wear_Sunscreen

On the idea of being involved

I desperately want to write on here in length about the past week or so. But it's Sunday night, meaning that tomorrow is Monday and Mondays are killers. So I'll just spend a few minutes.

As you can tell, I'm trying to redo the look of this thing again. I forget how picky I am and how much time I can spend trying to get everything just as I want it. That being said, I'm not sure I like this setup up that much. It may change again.

This past week has been pretty eventful. It was the first one back from spring break, and I had roommate trials the first few days. They went well. I think we both passed. It'll be weird living with JC, a weird dynamic and I'm sure we'll drive each other nuts by the end of it. But he's my brother, and I'm sure we'll come out fine on the other side of it. Also helps that he's set the standard for personal chef and maid pretty high :) I got to go to the OR for clinical on Wednesday which was really cool. I think I'd really like to be an OR nurse. But we'll see. Yesterday I went to the book sale at the library....good grief it was awesome. I made a new friend: Carolina Pe, an awesome elderly Asian woman. She was volunteering at the sale, helping out and such, and just came up and started talking to me (with an accent :) while I was looking around. We were talking and she asked how old I was, I laughed and replied 22....she took like three steps back with her jaw on the floor :) We had a good laugh over it. Anyway, she told me I just had to had to read this one book and she took it back with hers so I could buy it after 2:30, when they were starting the "bag sale." Anyway, there's lots to say on her, but suffice it say I came back at 2:30, she was uber excited to see me again, and I bought way too many books. I gave her my number and hope to hear from her again. There was another volunteer that we talked to for awhile, and then a guy there who I gave Tuesdays With Morrie to (after I had paid and had my box sitting on the table he pointed to it and exclaimed "I was looking for that one!" so I gave it to him, told him I'd already read it and was more than happy to see someone else read it). All in all got four hugs from people I had just met. I think I'm falling in love with this community. Today was the community baby shower at the Boys and Girls Club in Fair Oaks, this really impoverished part of Danville. Some of the girls in their last semester at Lakeview put it on for their legacy project. Again, much to say on that. It was really cool to see how much stuff they had gotten donated for it to give to the mothers. It was also really hard though to see these women who had two or three kids already with another on the way, and obviously not sufficient financial support to bring them up how one would think would be adequately. (Yes I know that's horrid grammar, but I'm tired and having trouble conveying what I mean) But I got to set up and spend time with some of my friends, then helped watched the kids while the moms participated in the shower stuff. I realized today that it's been a long time since I spent time around a lot of kids. Got to hold a 2 month old for a long time though, it was good. One of my friends looked at me at one point and said "This is good birth control." She's totally right.

So anyway, as usual rambly and somewhat incoherent. But a small piece of my past week. This of course says nothing about break; I'll get to that eventually. Night friends.

 The books :) 36 in all, well 38 if you count the ones that are more than one book in a one. Er, yeah. 3 bucks for almost all of them except for a couple that I paid for individually before coming back - I was afraid they'd be gone and they were ones I really wanted.

A bit of a stream of consciousness...actual post to come soon

A favorite quote from tonight: "The greatest part about being a guy...the world's your bathroom. That and you can write in the snow." Gotta love hanging out with my brother and his friends :)

Playlist of the evening: for the rougher days. Partially due to his taste and partially because it's good driving music. Specifics: last train home, closure, take this, hollowman, and fine again. If you're awesome you'll know the artists.

Today's my last real day of break. Oufti. Was it everything I hoped? Yeah, I think it was. It was what I needed in the very least. This next week's going to be hard. Not school-wise, but life-wise. Thankfully I have amazing friends, one of whom is coming to stay with me, possibly two who are.

Supposedly tonight was a full moon and not just that, but the biggest in several years. I saw nothing. Funny how things don't turn out how you think.

Alright, to bed. Or rather couch, my bed's occupied. Hoping for no drama at church tomorrow but at the same time hoping for some closure which will inevitably entail drama. Then wedding planning, frantic packing, back to Danville for hurried homework with company. All in all it'll be an interesting day :)

Dreamer to A Dream

There is something about the night that I absolutely love. I don't know that I would be able to put it into words, but there's just something about the dark, the stillness, the knowledge that you are awake while most of the rest of the world is sleeping. In that darkness something else is illuminated - or maybe it's just that I'm able to see better somehow without all the distractions, all the things that the daylight hides. Strange, that. Maybe I've just never lost that little kid wonder at what happens when everyone is sleeping. Regardless, something in me loves insomnia, detrimental though I know it is to my body. Tonight I was actually okay with the idea of going to bed at a "normal" (maybe that's it, I just like to rebel at the thought of normal) time, but I put on my TENS unit (or Tim, if you prefer) late, so I'm staying up so I can leave it on for longer. Trying to be better with that.

I hadn't realized that it'd been so long since I'd written anything on here. You may have to suffer through a very long post, or a couple of rather broken up ones, because I have so much to say. A lot has seemed to happen in the past few weeks.

First off, I got to go to Arkansas. Dear goodness. I have been so blessed (please forgive the word usage, or perhaps just allow it; it still tastes funny in my mouth, but it is something I am finding my way back into) with the people in my life. My family has grown to an alarmingly large number, and they are unfortunately spread far apart (geographically). Anyway, I was able to see some of them in Arkansas. Leaving was a funny sort of thing. I got the idea in my head and I was starting to freak out about the next week of school, and I nearly ran out. Not literally, but it wasn't really planned to be that way - though nothing was really planned. For the first couple of hours back, I fought the urge to just turn around and go back, shrug off my silliness, and stay another day. If living without them is hard, having them back and then having to leave them again is horrid. But I am thankful for the time we had together - and hoping to get back in a few weeks. I was afraid that I had changed again, that they would have changed. Last time we were apart for a long time - two summers ago and part of the fall - I had become a nearly entirely different person. I still have a fear of doing that, of changing in different directions. But I think that so much of our lives have become intertwined, that even if we wanted to shake off the others, we wouldn't be able to. About the weekend though, it was really good. There was a lot going on on campus about gay rights kind of. A big hubbub that morning about an electronic magazine called the Zine, I encourage you to check it out: http://www.huqueerpress.com/  As soon as the website was put up, Harding blocked it on their internet. While I don't know the stories behind each article, and therefore their unquestionable validity, I do know that I believe in listening to others' stances on things, whether or not you agree or vehemently disagree, whether you think (in this case) it's genetic or a sin. Regardless, the door has at least been cracked for these issues to be discussed. Now it's just going to take a persistent pursuing of the conversation for it to happen. I was able to go to a concert at the Underground by a group called Emma's Revolution, and a conversation afterward. I also encourage you to give them a look/listen: http://www.emmasrevolution.com/  I missed a large part of the conversation though, as I was had to calmly get up, walk away, and tackle someone :) Well worth it though, in my opinion.

The week that I came back to was one of utter stress. It was probably one of the worst weekends for me to take the trip, but it was the one chosen and I don't regret it. I had 3 exams, a newborn assessment, two case studies, a care plan, 4 ATI exams due, and one big "assignment." I slept very little, studied more than I have any other week this semester, and consumed far too much caffeine. In conclusion, I survived. But I definitely wouldn't want to relive another week like that one. Alas, I am in nursing school and surely will. December 2011. It's close.

Friday the 11th was my first 'official' day of spring break, and it was a pretty darned good one. I slept in, got up to clean/pack/dance, then went to the school to volunteer (don't think too highly of me, there was extra credit involved). On the way there I saw a sign for a book sale, so when I left I drove around trying to find it - only to end up back right across the road from school. Irony. But anyway, I spent at least an hour there, bought 7 books, 4 records, and a game for Dylan - all for three dollars. Yep. I love stuff like that. Kind of broke my book hiatus, but I'm okay with that. After that I went back home then left to tan (wedding, 'nuff said). It's kind of fun, I'm getting to know the people there and we all generally have some fun conversations. The sun was just starting to set when I left so I decided to drive down by the lake, something I hadn't done since last semester. It was absolutely gorgeous, the surroundings and the sun setting over the lake. There are some of the most beautiful (and huge) houses I have ever seen in that area. I'm always kind of taken aback though, there is a stark difference between that area and the area around more of where I live. To go from such beautiful, landscaped, huge properties to the dirty, dingy, rundown buildings in a matter of minutes is so strange to me. How can any one place contain two such different cultures? I realize this is the norm, not a rarity, but it's something that I cannot get used to. And in all honesty, I hope I never do. I do not want to become desensitized to things like that. I also don't want to separate myself from either end of the spectrum, which is a hard thing to do.

Alright, my battery's threatening to die and I'm hoping to get up early tomorrow so I'll call it quits for now. More to surely come eventually.

365 days.....and counting

Today marks a wonderful accomplishment in my life. I am so very proud of myself. And so so very thankful for those of you who have helped me get to this point. That really includes all of you who may read this - most of you probably just don't know it. But I hope you know that I couldn't have got here without you. I'm also realizing that because I'm so goofy/weird sometimes, this may read as sarcasm. It's not. Today is HUGE.

Today I had clinical, which went really well. I felt kind of stupid at times because I had to keep asking everybody questions - this was technically only my second clinical on the floor, and the first one was a solid five weeks ago. Oof. But it went well, I don't usually get to embarrassed about looking dumb. My patient was young and really interactive - which was awesome. It's kind of a bummer when you get a patient that either can't talk or won't. Oh man, Morgan, one of the girls in my class, had a horrid patient today - cursed her up and down, told her to get out of her room, said that she could wipe her own, ahem, "arse." I think I would've cried. But Morgan's tough and just said all the things she wanted to say to her patient to us later. Which was pretty amusing. But anyway, my patient - it was good. And her husband was in there with her most of the time and he was cracking me up.

After clinical I came home and collapsed for awhile - I swear 6 hours of clinical feels like 15. But then I caught my second wind and decided to go out exploring to kind of celebrate the day. I knew that there were a couple of state parks around here, so I went in their direction. I was really just going to ask the cost and hours and such at the gate and then decide what to do - but there was no gate. I guess that Illinois doesn't charge an entrance fee for their state parks. How cool is that? So I drove through Kickapoo (that cool of a name makes it awesome, the added perk of being free just pushes it over the whooaaaa awesome edge) and got out for a bit. It was really good to just be outside and in the woods - I'm not made for this whole "city" living thing. There were like 50 million deer, no joke, I lost count after about 30. I took some pics, total tourist I know. But I was having a blast. After I left Kickapoo, I headed towards the other one that's only a few minutes away - Kennekuk, it's a county park. But by the time I left and got there it was five, and they had a gate up that said it closed at 4:30. So that's for next time. I headed back towards the Danville-ish direction, took a random road that I knew was the right-ish direction. Yeah, that's right, I knew which direction was right. The sun was setting...and I knew I was west from my apartment...and that the sun set in the west...so I headed the other way. Yeah buddy! Anyway, it was weird on the drive, I kept being reminded of all these places I'd been. I have what I call "picture memories", like flashes of places I've been, like a photograph, randomly. Well they were going off like crazy the whole time: the drive in CO with Jonas, driving through the Grand Canyon park with my CO (round 1) summer roadtrip friends, roadtripping to TN to see Laren and go to Kristina and Caleb's wedding with JC, times at HUT, an AR trip where we decided to take the 'scenic route', driving to West Baden with my grandma, and on and on. Made me a bit reminiscent, but really thankful for the things I've been able to do. It was still weird though, because none of them look the same, just a little similar I guess, and some of them I haven't thought about in forever, feel like I nearly forgot about some. Here's some pictures from today:

 Yeah, I took a picture while I was driving. Oops. But the sun was gorgeous and I couldn't resist.

This was the first big group of deer I saw. I really wasn't expecting it, ergo much of the excitement. (I mean really, it's not like I hadn't seen a deer before.)

Even so, I had to get out and get a picture :)

There was water all through the park - lots of ponds, and a river too. There were signs and stuff for canoe rentals and fishing stuff...I can't wait for the weather to get warm.

  The river.

I just thought this was really pretty. There was a whole section along the road that was like this - it made me think of Sugarloaf.

Again, driving, my bad. But for real, imagine this times about ten, all across the skyline: it was like freaking Hitchcock's The Birds!! 

So that was more or less my day. It was a keeper, for sure. Now the realization that I really haven't done much homework is catching up to me though...but it's not really putting a damper on my mood. I'm happy :)

Oh, and I felt the need to include these. They're lyrics to a song I really like: The Art Of Falling by Greg Holden. (I also direct you to the video. Very symbolic and neat. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tWzkC563Rs)


Lost, confused, unseen and used
Dangerously fighting for nothing to lose
My progress is calling, it's noticed I'm falling
It's time for a change, It's time for a move,
And I know that it's frightening but it's also exciting
I'm taking a risk that I know is worth fighting
Its better
To make your mistakes than to live with out knowing
Its better to fall on your face then to stay on your feet
As long long long as you tried your best
Sometimes its hard to think my time here is ending
It troubles me to think about who I've offended
But I can't live my life
In the interest of those,
Holding me back when I'm stood on my toes
But too many times I've been risking my life
Making decisions whilst trying to be nice its
Better to make your mistakes than to live without knowing its
Better to fall on your face than to stay on your feet
As long long long, as long long long
As long long long ohh
It's better to mistakes than to live with out knowing
Its better to fall on your face then to stay on your feet
It's better to mistakes than to live with out knowing
Its better to fall on your face then to stay on your feet
As long long long....

And today was a day just like any other...

You know those days when you just wake up and you think "Today? Today's going to be a good one." Well today was one of those for me. I really don't have a good reason, no certain thing that happened to explain it. In all honesty, I should've woken up scared out of my pants because of the patho/pharm 2 test I had today. But I didn't (they were still securely on when I woke up :) Maybe it's the fact that I'm feeling significantly better after two days of being sick, or maybe because the weather is gorgeous after weeks of snow and ickyness, or maybe it's because I've come to some conclusions and am refocusing my life accordingly, or maybe it was because the pesticide guy came to my apartment today and we had awesome conversation, or maybe it was because my patho/pharm teacher told me that I can skip class March 3rd, or maybe it's just because today was Thursday. Dunno. The point is, today was a good day. And I'm thankful for that, and ready to face tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. I'm ready :)

See You Soon

Dear Barbara. There are some days when I long for numbness again. Forewarning, tonight (this morning) may end up being more others' words than my own. I'm having a hard time expressing myself, so I'm drawing help from some of my constant companions. Aka, musicians.

"Cause ever since I tried
Trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
With my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it's been"

I tip my hat to you, postmodernity. Okay okay, so that's just a bit silly, but that's inevitably what I think of when I hear that song. (Thanks to Christ in Culture with Adair) But really, I don't want the numbness. Feeling is just hard sometimes.

Today was Valentine's Day. Every time I hear that, I think of the phrase "Single's Awareness Day," thank you Harding. I've never really had strong feelings towards or against the holiday. I love being goofy and giving out little kid valentines, or making some sort of treat thing and giving them out (neither of which I did this year). But I hate the consumerism of the day, the thought that you have to buy something big or extravagant, or spend exorbitant amounts of money on someone or else you clearly don't love them. (I will insert this here though: I am a girl, and if I were in a relationship I would hope for something out of the norm for the holiday. Just thought I'd cover my bases, because I know I may be called out on that.) And let's face it, I don't like all those silly couples being all giddy and in love :) But I was talking to a friend of mine earlier tonight and she said that she believes that today isn't just for those couples in love to celebrate, but for everyone who loves anyone. I have to say that I agree with her. The latter half of my day was pretty horrendous, but at the same time, it was pretty amazing. I got pretty upset (that may be a bit of an understatement) about something that happened and all of the subsequent things that it made me face. I was here alone and I knew it wasn't a good place for me to be, so I started texting/calling people to talk. Over the course of the evening I spent a good four hours on the phone with people who are so very dear to me. I can't say how much those conversations mean to me, from the silly and absurd to the serious things that are hard for me to hear and to talk about. Clearly I don't hold to the lyrics above, I don't think talk is truly cheap, but I had to include them as they have been stuck in my head all evening. So. This is a thank you to all of my friends. You all mean so much to me and I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you for all you've done, whether you've been in my life for 22 years or 2. Happy Valentine's Day. Know that you are loved.

Even including all the catharsis tonight, I'm still in a bit of rough shape. I'm confused as to how to make things right, to do things right, or if there is a way to do either. Good grief. Here is where the desire for numbness comes in. I've been trying even harder at my ever-present goal of being open this past year. It's been difficult, but I think I can fairly say that I have made great strides. I am trying to give people a chance, to trust, to plunge in without testing the waters. I had forgotten how much it takes to do that, how much it's like a domino effect. It's like there's this huge glass container filled with all sorts of things. Some of them are dirty, disgusting things, maybe covered with sand or dirt or grime, completely buried in it. But there are several others that are gorgeous, unique, unlike anything else out there. You want to share just a small thing, a little jewel of you, but to do that you have to somehow open up the glass. So you work and chip away, trying to just get to that one spot. But there's all those dirty things around too. So you take your time, work carefully, try your absolute hardest to make sure it's safe and that only the good stuff comes out. Then, one day, you break through, you share it, and it's fabulous. You want to show off another thing, so you go back to work. But there's some of that dirt in front of this one, surrounding it. It's harder for you to get it to the surface, harder for you to be okay with taking it out. But you do. And, hesitantly, you share that dirt covered thing. Amazingly, in the sharing, it becomes less grime covered, less of an eyesore, less of a shame. You realize that this isn't what you thought, that maybe the container isn't meant to be sealed shut, maybe it's that clear glass for a reason. So you go back to work, you find others to share with, and most of the reactions are similar, a cleaning of the dirt, a small polish to the previously hideous object. There are those times when the things are rejected, become less attractive, and you can't stop yourself from pushing them back in the container, patching up the holes. But not all of them are patched, and you make more and more holes as you find others to share with, and before you even realize it, the container looks wobbly, unsteady, ready to give out. Now here is where you face your biggest struggle. You're aware enough of it to stop, pull back, and stare up at that huge thing, filled with your darkest secrets, your most beautiful joys. Do you let it break open? Or do you make a steady retreat, some quick, furious patchwork? People are still pressing on every side, asking for more, wanting to see this, wanting to have that, pointing to different things, different places, asking asking asking - and you have to make a choice. You know that if you keep up the sharing, sometime soon the dam will burst and that box will collapse down around you. Everything will spill out, not just what you choose, and you'll have no control over it. You'll be covered in that dirt, wearing it for anyone to see. Will the people around you be willing to see you with that dirt? Willing to pick up you, clean you off, polish you to see the gleam of the positives that you know are there too?

This, friends, is where I find myself. Sorry for the weirdness, I'm in a descriptive mood and longing to write. Thanks for putting up with it, for being you. I love you all.

(The title is a song by Coldplay. Fantastic and factors in so so well with all of this^ right now. If you listen to it [please do], imagine it sung from the perspective of "Love", like as a personification.)

Good gravy kids. It's 3am. I'm going to bed.

Blurb.

Okay, this is just a short attempted explanation. Apparently my "permissions" thing on here isn't really working or at least it's been doing weird things. So some of you may have been taken off and put back on or something weird (one person's said their "invitation had expired"). I don't know, maybe I messed it up somehow. Regardless of the how, I'm trying to fix it. So for those of you seeing this blog for the first time, welcome, I apologize for the craziness. It's me, what do you expect? Anyway, that's pretty much it. I hope you all are well.

Oh, and just a little note from my life - I love my friends. They are absolutely fantastic.

Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me. For all of my trying we still end up dying; how can it be?

Today's been a really reminiscent-y day. Not really a bad thing, just been looking back a lot. Sometimes these days are really hard on me. This one's so-so, but I've distracted myself anytime I've started to delve too deep. But still.

I haven't accomplished much school-wise today, but I do feel as though I'm getting more on track with the whole motivated/getting things done stuff. I'm a beast at getting stuff done if I feel the pressure. Yesterday I cranked out half of a care plan in one morning that I'd been putting off for almost three weeks. It's ridiculous when I think of it, of how long I could've had it done and how much less stress I would have had. But I think I am inherently a procrastinator and always will be; I was actually talking to one of my friends about that the other day.

Like I said, I have spent a fair amount of today looking back over my past. I have come up with some lessons that I have learned, from things that I have gone through and/or always seem to happen.

- People will always come in and out of my life. I'll not always deal with their leaving well, but I will have plenty of opportunity to practice.

- Just because people are geographically far away doesn't mean that they have to be far from me.

- Whenever I eat something with peanut butter, I will inevitably get it on my clothes. Every stinkin' time.

- Mistakes will happen, but how their repercussions affect my life depends entirely upon myself.

- Loving is hard. But it is worth it.

- I'll always have questions, but they won't always have answers. And that's okay - though it may not seem it at the time. Sometimes the point is simply in the asking.

- Food eaten with chopsticks is always more awesome than food eaten with a fork. Or a spoon. A spork is competition though.

- I'll never be who I was yesterday. But that's not a bad thing. And both sides of that lesson will always be hard to learn.

- Music, no matter how silly, cliche, or meaningful, will always hold a huge part of my life.

- I have an aversion to the idea of sleep. This isn't really a lesson, nor is it something that is really beneficial to my life, but it is something that has been a part of me since I was a small child (serious, that's verbatim from the rents). So I thought I'd include it. Especially since it's a large part of why I'm writing this now.

Okay so that's it for now. I'm obviously in a weird mood, but it's a good one. No worries. Heading home tomorrow morning to go with Stacie and Mom to pick up the wedding dress. Eek! Still freaks me out, but I'm really happy for her. Alrighty, I suppose I'll attempt this whole sleep idea. No promises.

Also, guessing game on the title. Anyone?

Night Train

It's days like this that I wonder what in the hell I'm getting myself into. Let me explain. I just got out of my clinical for 301, which is basically Med/Surg. Normally I'm not too fond of these clinicals, they're okay, it's just that we don't do much - vitals, baths, assessments, pass meds, etc. The basics. And they're all pretty much older clients, mostly pneumonias or stuff. And a fair amount of them are dementia or confusion patients. Anyway, all of that to say that I don't really enjoy them usually, which I know sounds awful. But we rotate around to see other departments. Last week I was supposed to be in the OR, but because of the snow, I missed it. Well today I was in the ER.

I'm not even sure where to begin. All of this is probably going to make me sound really naive or just I don't know, young? Over reactive? And it's silly, but the person I would most like to talk to about all of this I can't talk to. And then thinking about all of that just gets me going again. Sorry.

Okay. I got to the hospital ~0645, went to the floor for pre-conference, yada yada. Everyone else got their patients and such and then my instructor took me down to the ER. I asked her on the way what all I could do - like if I was more observing or participating - she said anything that I've learned, I could do, same as if she was with me. Then she dropped me at the ER, without much instruction or anything, without really assigning me to a nurse. But I stuck mostly with the one who she had talked to for a minute. Not even five minutes later we get this patient by ambulance that has a trach stoma - he had a tracheostomy and used to have a trach in. Trach stoma = hole in his neck. Anyway, he had an arterial bleed and it was bleeding into his trachea....which had a stoma....which meant it was gushing out of his throat. He's rolled into the room and is automatically surrounded by several people - like 5 nurses, the doctor, the medic, someone from respiratory, myself (though I was standing back, trying to stay out of the way). I thought they were moving so slowly, inside I was saying come on, do something! But it's silly for me to think like that, they were moving as fast as possible, had to get pprwk and anesthesiology and such in. I wish I could describe the picture to you adequately. Every time he drew a breath, it sounded like he was drowning. He was gurgling his own blood.

Good grief, there's no way I can write this all. There's just so much, so much that happened today, so much that I'm feeling. I'll just do my best to recap it I guess.

So they have him there, they intubate him, start suctioning the blood, blood goes spraying across the room - I was at least six feet aaway and I had to jump out of the way, finally "finish" what they're doing, and the whole time they had him bagged. They had to use a ambu-bag on the end of the tube they had just stuck in his stoma to make him breathe. That means that someone had to stand there and squeeze it every about five seconds to make his lungs expand, or else they wouldn't have. Mike was doing it for a while (from respiratory, worked with him on the floor before too) but then another patient came into the next room and needed tubed too (he's important, come back to him later) which respiratory has to do, so Mike had to go over there. A nurse took over, but then there was too much junk to do, everything was happening at once, so I found myself with the bag in my hands, breathing for this man who is laying before me, covered in his own blood. Oh, didn't say this, he was about 5'11" and weighed about 115 lbs. That's just a little more than me, but almost a foot taller. Skin and bones. Literally, it was hard enough to look at without even considering all of the other stuff. I don't know how long I was doing that, then the flight team showed up - they were flying him to Carle. They got him all moved onto their stuff and hooked up and bundled up, but the nurses weren't sure that the ventilator they had would work well on him because his tube was sticking up like a foot - not really an exaggeration - in the air. So I found myself putting on one of the flight nurse's jackets while she bagged, then taking back over bagging, and walking with all of them down the halls, out the door, across the parking lot to the helicopter, all the while breathing for this poor man. They got him in the chopper and I ran back inside, back to the ER. None of the nurses think he'll make it.

After that things got more routine, I followed my nurse around; she was doing triage which means she saw each person as they came in, did vitals, and decided their level of priority. It amazed me what some of the people came in for. I went from the previous situation to a man with a toothache. Sharon (my nurse) said that he's a frequent flier though - he comes in all the time, pretty much just drug seeking. There are a lot of those. But there were some legit ones. I'm not going to list off all the patients I saw today, don't even think I could count them if I tried. But one more that's huge.

I went with a different nurse a few times to see some things: IVs being put in, foleys, etc. Well we went to put a foley catheter in a man who was in the priority room - where the patients are severe enough to need cardiac monitoring. He was the one who got tubed earlier this morning, said we'd come back to him. He was a nursing home patient, had the whole gamut of things wrong with him already. Well now he was on a respirator (that's why they tubed him) and watching him "breathe" honest terrified me. His whole body heaved, and not in a regular pattern, but in a jerky, twitchy, really labored way. He had wrist restraints on - protocol if they're on a resp. We tried to get a cath in him, even tried a pediatric one, but couldn't get it. I had ahold of him, had talked to his brother and wife earlier that morning when we were in the room to give him meds, stayed in the room and talked to him - though he couldn't respond - while the nurse had gone to get a different size cath, etc. Shortly after the failed cath attempt, ICU came to get him because he was being admitted. It was later on, while we were in the middle of working with other patients that the charge nurse - who can't be out of her twenties, she just looks so young, but I guess she's married and has two kids - got a phone call about him. They were transferring him up to ICU and when they got him up there, he was dead. Dead. Sharon said well he'd been trying to do that all morning, they just wouldn't let him - I think she could tell I was a bit shook up. I just didn't know how to react. I mean, I've had several people in my life die, several people whom I love and was close to, but this was just....different. I had just seen him, just tried to care for him. Maybe that's why. But I shocked.

The day, however, continued. Maybe that's what shocked me, no one really reacted. I mean, that doesn't make them bad people, they very obviously care, but maybe they've just become so used to stuff like that. It is an emergency room. The charge nurse left to make a call on her cell phone and when she came back she seemed like she had been crying a bit. But other than that, there wasn't really any change. Patients kept coming in, the nurses kept caring for them, life just kept moving. That's how my day ended, it was close to the end of my clinical when all this happened. I spent the last like twenty minutes helping try to get an IV in a very dehydrated two year old. Poor thing, she was cute as could be, but absolutely miserable. Didn't help that three different places of trying IVs on her just ended in three blown out veins.

I missed post-conference because I was too caught up and not watching the time - left at 1300 instead of 1230. So I drove straight home and wasn't quite to my door when the tears started. It doesn't help that I'm tired and my sinuses hate me, but still. I didn't really realize how much today took out of me. Makes me hate living by myself on days like this - I kind of want to be alone, but I kind of want someone with me. Doesn't make sense, I know. But all this has made me think way too much. Made me think about my support system, and how much I need and want someone to be able to just spill to on days like this. I am terribly thankful for my friends. I'm also terribly sad about the people who aren't in my life anymore, for various reasons. My coping mechanisms: forced myself to eat some soup, listening to some city and colour, amos lee, and brett dennen, and now I'm going to try to rest for a bit.

(Title is a song by Amos Lee, check it out)