See You Soon

Dear Barbara. There are some days when I long for numbness again. Forewarning, tonight (this morning) may end up being more others' words than my own. I'm having a hard time expressing myself, so I'm drawing help from some of my constant companions. Aka, musicians.

"Cause ever since I tried
Trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
With my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it's been"

I tip my hat to you, postmodernity. Okay okay, so that's just a bit silly, but that's inevitably what I think of when I hear that song. (Thanks to Christ in Culture with Adair) But really, I don't want the numbness. Feeling is just hard sometimes.

Today was Valentine's Day. Every time I hear that, I think of the phrase "Single's Awareness Day," thank you Harding. I've never really had strong feelings towards or against the holiday. I love being goofy and giving out little kid valentines, or making some sort of treat thing and giving them out (neither of which I did this year). But I hate the consumerism of the day, the thought that you have to buy something big or extravagant, or spend exorbitant amounts of money on someone or else you clearly don't love them. (I will insert this here though: I am a girl, and if I were in a relationship I would hope for something out of the norm for the holiday. Just thought I'd cover my bases, because I know I may be called out on that.) And let's face it, I don't like all those silly couples being all giddy and in love :) But I was talking to a friend of mine earlier tonight and she said that she believes that today isn't just for those couples in love to celebrate, but for everyone who loves anyone. I have to say that I agree with her. The latter half of my day was pretty horrendous, but at the same time, it was pretty amazing. I got pretty upset (that may be a bit of an understatement) about something that happened and all of the subsequent things that it made me face. I was here alone and I knew it wasn't a good place for me to be, so I started texting/calling people to talk. Over the course of the evening I spent a good four hours on the phone with people who are so very dear to me. I can't say how much those conversations mean to me, from the silly and absurd to the serious things that are hard for me to hear and to talk about. Clearly I don't hold to the lyrics above, I don't think talk is truly cheap, but I had to include them as they have been stuck in my head all evening. So. This is a thank you to all of my friends. You all mean so much to me and I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you for all you've done, whether you've been in my life for 22 years or 2. Happy Valentine's Day. Know that you are loved.

Even including all the catharsis tonight, I'm still in a bit of rough shape. I'm confused as to how to make things right, to do things right, or if there is a way to do either. Good grief. Here is where the desire for numbness comes in. I've been trying even harder at my ever-present goal of being open this past year. It's been difficult, but I think I can fairly say that I have made great strides. I am trying to give people a chance, to trust, to plunge in without testing the waters. I had forgotten how much it takes to do that, how much it's like a domino effect. It's like there's this huge glass container filled with all sorts of things. Some of them are dirty, disgusting things, maybe covered with sand or dirt or grime, completely buried in it. But there are several others that are gorgeous, unique, unlike anything else out there. You want to share just a small thing, a little jewel of you, but to do that you have to somehow open up the glass. So you work and chip away, trying to just get to that one spot. But there's all those dirty things around too. So you take your time, work carefully, try your absolute hardest to make sure it's safe and that only the good stuff comes out. Then, one day, you break through, you share it, and it's fabulous. You want to show off another thing, so you go back to work. But there's some of that dirt in front of this one, surrounding it. It's harder for you to get it to the surface, harder for you to be okay with taking it out. But you do. And, hesitantly, you share that dirt covered thing. Amazingly, in the sharing, it becomes less grime covered, less of an eyesore, less of a shame. You realize that this isn't what you thought, that maybe the container isn't meant to be sealed shut, maybe it's that clear glass for a reason. So you go back to work, you find others to share with, and most of the reactions are similar, a cleaning of the dirt, a small polish to the previously hideous object. There are those times when the things are rejected, become less attractive, and you can't stop yourself from pushing them back in the container, patching up the holes. But not all of them are patched, and you make more and more holes as you find others to share with, and before you even realize it, the container looks wobbly, unsteady, ready to give out. Now here is where you face your biggest struggle. You're aware enough of it to stop, pull back, and stare up at that huge thing, filled with your darkest secrets, your most beautiful joys. Do you let it break open? Or do you make a steady retreat, some quick, furious patchwork? People are still pressing on every side, asking for more, wanting to see this, wanting to have that, pointing to different things, different places, asking asking asking - and you have to make a choice. You know that if you keep up the sharing, sometime soon the dam will burst and that box will collapse down around you. Everything will spill out, not just what you choose, and you'll have no control over it. You'll be covered in that dirt, wearing it for anyone to see. Will the people around you be willing to see you with that dirt? Willing to pick up you, clean you off, polish you to see the gleam of the positives that you know are there too?

This, friends, is where I find myself. Sorry for the weirdness, I'm in a descriptive mood and longing to write. Thanks for putting up with it, for being you. I love you all.

(The title is a song by Coldplay. Fantastic and factors in so so well with all of this^ right now. If you listen to it [please do], imagine it sung from the perspective of "Love", like as a personification.)

Good gravy kids. It's 3am. I'm going to bed.