Roller coaster....

Dear Barbara. Today has been interesting. I had a good day all in all, I just can't keep a firm grip on whether I'm going up or down. Did the festival all morning which was of course good because for some crazy reason I love it. But it was tiring and somewhat emotionally draining; on the way home Mom apologized to me and Meg for tiring out early. Which wasn't fair, we'd been walking for over four hours. Being tired was totally legit. But she apologized and said "I didn't realize my knees were this bad" and started tearing up. I didn't really know what to say at first but I just said it's okay and put my hand on her shoulder - she was driving. I said that we'd work on it, we'd exercise and stuff. She got even more teary-eyed and said that it wouldn't make any difference. I was fighting back tears and I told her that it scares me. She said it scares me too and her voice broke. That was it more or less, she changed the subject to talk about something meaningless. My mom has been my rock, my solid driving force for good or for bad my whole life. When I have cried desperately over my pain and illness, she has always been there, comforting me and crying for me, wishing she could take it away, telling me that she would take it herself and have everything I did if it would take it away from me. And I know that's not just something she says to reassure me, that she honestly means it from the bottom of her heart and would do it without a thought if she were given the chance. But I have never seen her cry over herself. Never. And while everything that I have is awful and miserable and sometimes I feel like I can't do it, none of it is truly progressive. Hers is. She comes with a certainty that no matter what she does, she cannot stop what is happening. In any number of years, she will lose a lot of her mobility. She may take medications to help her symptoms and maybe slow the progression, but it cannot be stopped or 'cured' altogether. And the thought of that, the thought of my mother forever hurting, is terrible. I shock myself with my selfishness - I haven't given much thought to all of this. I know that part of that is an attempt to protect myself, to not have to consider and deal with everything, but that too screams of selfishness. My parents are aging and with that, they are becoming more fragile. I don't want to think about that at all. I cannot fathom this life without them, or even with them in any way impaired. It's been weighing heavily on my mind today. With my nerves still shaken and frail from that, we drove down the road towards home. Not but a few minutes after this conversation, we witnessed a motorcycle accident. We rushed out of the car to see if we could do anything to help, and running through my mind was what I could do, what I knew how to do to help him. Nothing. I thought, if he's not breathing I could do cpr, but even that I'm not truly confident with. So there I stood, watching this poor man writhing on the side of the road, blood pouring from his head, with my hands at my side. I did things like try to call 911, run for my jacket to hold over his injuries, but honestly I did nothing. I do not like that feeling. Not at all. So then we come on home. All of us got there at the same time and Meg stayed for a while then left after we decided we weren't going to do anything else in the evening. I asked Stacie what her plans were, hoping maybe I would get to see her for at least a little bit. There's so much going on in my life that I would like to share with her, but I never see her. I feel more and more that she's like a stranger, a person simply boarding in our house and hardly even doing that. She left soon after Meg to go to Brent's. I didn't realize until after she left how upset with her I was. Mom came in to see me upset and we talked about it some. Maybe it was just that I was feeling so fragile, so shaken from thoughts of my mother and seeing the accident, but I was upset. I cried telling her that I missed my sister, that I felt as though she didn't care at all. I listed off some of the things that I'd done for her, the fact that I would do anything, give anything up for her. She is my sister. But I feel as though she wouldn't do anything in return. That she hasn't. That I talk to people who are more than 500 miles away more than I talk to the person who stays in the room 5 feet from mine. It hurts. But I don't say anything to her. I think feeling this way is better than having her not respond or not care or scoff if I actually told her what I was feeling. Mom, Dad, and I went to the fish fry which was nice, a kind of tradition that we do. I cling to those. Another reason that I was upset with Stacie I think: we always go to the festival together, Mom, Stacie, and I, if we have the opportunity. She didn't even consider going with us and I know that Mom was really hurt by it. Then later tonight in talking to a friend, I fouled up and marred our friendship yet again with my unfounded overreactions. I hope to have righted this; I asked to go on a walk and we did. Not the brightest idea for midnight, but I'm still really glad that I did. So that's my day, being jerked back and forth, tossed to and fro by my messed jumble of emotions. Life is something beautifully fragile and I'm terrified to mess it up. As one of my friends told me regarding my interactions with another person, it's a catch 22. I'm so scared of messing life up, I miss out on it altogether. Vulnerability is hard for me though. I'm so scared of losing or hurting or being hurt by the people I love, I miss out on loving them at all. I'm ever-working though. Trying to right my convoluted way of thinking before I miss anything else.

You and I

There's just something about music. I can't really describe it, never have been able to, but there's just something about it that gets me. I think anyone would agree that I have a sick amount of music. And I love finding new artists, and am constantly doing so. We had a chapter about pain last week in my foundations class which I found interesting/amusing. One thing it talked about was distractions. Some people use tv, friends, books, music, etc. I remember one night, when I was going through the whole initial health thing, my parents took me to the Riley hospital ER in the middle of the night. I was in so much pain and they didn't know what to do. That's where I kind of started the whole neurologist thing I think. Anyway. So we're sitting in the ER for forever and finally went back to a room. I think it was like 3am by the time we saw anyone. I remember the whole time I was reading Eragon which had just recently came out. When the doc came in the room and talked to us, my parents gave him the whole lowdown and everything. He looked at me and said well she can't be in that much pain if she's sitting there reading. I have a hunch that my mom wanted to punch him. (For anyone considering going into health care, or quite frankly, anyone considering communicating with anyone at all, pain is what the patient/person says it is. The fifth vital sign. You have no place to tell a person that they are not in pain when they say that they are. Trust someone who has been in that position many times, it can be one of the most frustrating, disheartening things to be told something like that.) Instead, she just looked at him and said, I think it's her escape. It's someplace that she can go to just get away from it all. Now I don't remember much from that time in my life, but this memory stands out and probably always will. It was the first time that I actually thought that my mom got me, knew who I was. To bring us back around to the original topic, I think music is like that for me too. There is hardly a moment in my day when I am not listening to some sort of music. I am right now. My sister makes fun of me because in the mornings I carry around my ipod playing music through its speakers. There's just something about the way it can make you feel. There's the words, the rhythm, the notes, everything. But the best is when you combine it all, combine it to make something beautiful. And how it affects your mood. If I'm driving and listening to slower, calmer songs, I drive that way. If the song changes to a heavy, faster beat, I speed up without realizing it. To me that's just incredible. I'm not sure what brought about this writing, but I was listening to music a little earlier this evening, and a song came on that brought this huge smile to my face. No idea why, no explainable reason for the sudden mood change (not that I was in a bad mood before, just not a goofy grinning from ear to ear mood). But there it is. It happens. So thank you music makers, for this gift. And thanks to all of you who contribute to the soundtrack of my life. (Cheesy, I know. Cut me some slack, I'm feeling sentimental :)

Here's to you

Pick your jaws up off the floor friends. This is really happening. Another post. Whoa. Took even me by surprise. :) But really, I'm up late and kind of at peace and just thought I would drop a line. So hi!

One thing that I started doing after I wrecked my car was noting little things that I had taken for granted about it. Just the fact that it was such a nice car was one, though I didn't take that one entirely for granted; I was aware of how lucky I was and said things like I felt like a spoiled brat when I was driving it. But things like how big the rear window was - it was awesome to be able to see that much in the rear view mirror. Also the ability to raise and lower the seat. Trust me, when you're as short as I am, you appreciate things like that. There are plenty of other things I could say, but you get the idea. Well I got to thinking because of that - I hope I don't take for granted other things in my life and not notice how special they are until they're gone. So I've been trying to pay closer attention to things. And sometimes things just come out of nowhere to say hey, I'm here, appreciate me. My friends fall into that category. Now, I'm not saying any of them would demand appreciation, but they certainly deserve it and prove that to me time and time again. I have one friend who I haven't talked to in over a month, but that doesn't stop her from calling me a couple of times a week trying to get a hold of me. Another will listen to me at any hour of the day with advice for my ridiculous at the ready. Others allow themselves to be picked back up after my dropping them for so very long, without any grudges to be heard of. Again, I could go on and on, but I won't. I have to stop and shake my head as I write these and think of my friends in turn. What have I done to deserve such amazing people in my life? I honestly don't know. But I cannot express how much I love them and am thankful for them. I just hope that they somehow know.

Short one from a short one

It's been forever. And I have wanted to - needed to - write. So much has happened. I'm worn out. Going into week 5 of school. I'm pooped. And grasping for some sort of motivation, failing at that. I wrecked my car, bad. The insurance totaled it but my dad bought it back for cheap with intents to fix it. I don't know. What else? I don't know. Found some stuff that makes me happy (while procrastinating of course). I miss my friends desperately. Ha - I had big plans for all that I was going to write, but I really think that this is it. Here's something that makes me smile.

Two

Two in August! Can you believe it? I'm up at 1am when I really should be in bed - should've been in bed hours ago. But here I am...

I've made it through my first week. If you can call it making it through. From the first class I felt like I was flailing my arms in an ocean with no edge. I'm behind before I've even started. Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I know that a lot of that is attitude (which I severely need to work on) but a lot of it is the simple fact that I don't know what I'm doing. In more than one sense. Is this really what I want to do with my life? Do I want to spend the next year and a half to two years of my life completely consumed with this? Is it worth it? Why am I doing it? Is it important enough to me, is it a passion or just something that I feel like I should do? Why in the world can't I just commit to something and plow through it?

I went to two new doctors this week too. The first one was yesterday in Indy, another dentist/jaw doctor who I was referred to by Dr Wolford, my surgeon. We talked for a long time - I got to relive my lovely medical history, yet again. I actually really liked him, he was nice and genuine, didn't want to do anything invasive or anything without my permission. He and the lady that were working with us were both taken aback by everything we told them, not skeptical or condescending and I think he was extra cautious with me after he knew everything I've been through with doctors. He ground on my teeth, very minimally and asking me every time he went to do more. He said that he wasn't expecting any magical fix it thing to happen, and he wasn't promising anything like it. I appreciated that. Then today I went to see a chiropractor in town. Technically I've gone to her before, but that was probably about 5 or 6 years ago. I like her. We talked for a bit, updated stuff, and she worked on me for a while. Found out that I have a slight curvature in my spine. That was exciting (sarcasm). She looked at my wrists too and was kind of astounded by them. She referred me to a hand specialist in Indy - rather disheartening. I think I knew in the back of my mind that that was coming somehow eventually, but I've been ignoring it for so long, pretending that it didn't exist, that I guess I kind of convinced myself that there wasn't a problem. So. That's probably the next doc on the list. I do want to get it - whatever 'it' is - out of the way. But I'm wary of what that may be. And I don't know if I can handle another slew/round of doctors. Most especially in the middle of school. But I suppose I can't really control that can I?

All in all, I'm a bit down. I'm scared of doing school, or rather at not being able to do school. I'm scared and angry with my body for falling apart. And I hate not being able to do anything about it. I'm sick of health stuff (yet I decided to go to school for it....?), I'm sick of not knowing what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I'm a bit of a grump. And I'm sorry.

Your monthly notice

Well here we are in August. Maybe I should just aim for one post a month; I seem to do pretty decently at that. I am home, back in the house that I grew up in. It wasn't the original plan (do things ever go according to the original plan?) but here I am and I'm not sure when/if that will change for the next couple of years. I feel useless, pointless, blah - which is a bad place for me to be. I got home from Colorado on August 2nd and have been just that since - home. I start school (yes, again) on Monday. I am nervous, excited, exhausted at just the thought of it. I am being a horrible sister, but I can't find the willpower or patience to change that. I hoped to come home to a sister, but found that she isn't really here anymore. I don't know how to find her. I don't know if I have the energy to try. I miss my friends already; I think it's going to be harder on me than I thought, them being there and me being here. All of us continually moving in different directions. When JQ left Colorado, it hit me that that was the last time that we would live together. Probably ever but at the very least for the next 3+ years. Thinking about that makes me feel sick. It's a cruel thing, this making friends and saying goodbye. This is quite the depressing entry isn't it? Meh, I blame it on late nights and friends leaving and arguing with the people I love. On the random update note - I'm currently living in Justin's old room and it is a complete disaster. I don't think I used to be this much of a slob, but it seems as though I've become quite good at it. Funny - I accidentally typed snob instead of slob. Who knows, maybe that is true too. I hope not though. What else? Justin's house is really nice (although kind of messy because he still hasn't truly unpacked). There isn't an extra room yet because of a paint hold up, but maybe someday I'll have a temporary home there. That'd be good for sanity I think. He does have a pool though, which I consider to be free game :) I'm still plagued by this horrible homesick feeling - and I have no idea what it is that I'm sick for. It comes and goes as it pleases, sometimes taking me by such surprise and force that I just stop and close my eyes. What am I missing? I'm almost afraid that it is the ideas, the beliefs, the love that I have given up. Why am I afraid? I'm not sure that I want them back. Or that I want the baggage that comes with them. Hm. For now though I'm going to have to leave you on this confusing and rather depressing note, because I am tired. And a certain 7 year old demands that I get up at 6am tomorrow.

Updates!

As always, I feel as though I must begin this with an apology. Sorry it's been so long since I've written. But once a month isn't too bad, is it? I'm still at Waunita - that wasn't the original plan, but I'm okay with the decision. I'll probably stay here for a while more, though I'm still unsure as to how long. Tammy (my boss) said that she could use me, and would like for me to if it's what I want to do, through the end of July. It'd be nice to keep working and have more money saved up, but in a strange sort of way I think I'm a bit homesick. It's weird, I don't get homesick really. And I'm not really sure what it is that I'm missing, or where it is that I'm wanting to be. It makes me think of one of my favorite books, The Blue Sword. Here's some of it: "She had not wept herself to sleep since her first night in the king's tent and she thought, carefully, rationally, that it was hard to say exactly what she was homesick for...That sickness of dislocation came to her most often when she was most at ease in the strange adventure she was living. She might be staring at the line of Hills before them, closer every day, watching how sharply the edges of them struck into the sky...and suddenly she would be gasping with the thing she called homesickness." A bit random, but it's a close comparison to how I've been feeling as of late.

I've been well. Happy. I traded days off with Ashley so that I could go fishing today (today was hers and tomorrow was mine, but we switched). It was Eric, two guests Ron and Kip, and Dani and Brianne - another guest who is awesome, she hung out with us a lot last year. Downside to the day was that we had to be in the lodge at 5:30am. Ugh. I've been breakfast server this week so I haven't been getting much sleep as is. But we made it - Dani stayed here so we would both wake up. I caught one rainbow trout and together we caught 13 fish. We didn't get back to the ranch until about 4pm - I slept like a rock in the excursion on the way home. I daresay I'll go to bed pretty early tonight. Or at least that I should :)

JC and Jen have been emailing me and while it's great to hear from them, it makes me a bit sad. Did I make the right decision? I sure hope so. Then again, I'm not a believer in right and wrong decisions. While some choices obviously have a right and wrong answer, I believe that most just have answers. What you do is what you do, and
either direction will lead you somewhere. I chose to stay here and I am happy with that. I am still living, still moving forward, still me. And while I may continue to wonder what I have missed, I know that I will have plenty of amazing memories from whatever my summer brings me.

Stacie's dating some guy pretty seriously. It terrifies me. If they are engaged before I meet him - or for that matter, anytime this year - I think I will have a hard time forgiving her/accepting it. That's not fair of me, I know, but I am uber protective of her - of all of my family - and I do not want to see her hurt.

Justin bought a house and is in the process of moving in. I wish I was there for it. I missed Stacie moving in to her apartment as well, and I didn't like it. I feel like I miss out on so much when I'm not at home, but I think I would have the same feeling no matter where I was. That's part of having your friends spread out all over the place, part of living life. I hope to move in with him when I get home, but that is up to him.

I start nursing school in August. Scary, exciting, nerve wracking. A little of everything. If everything goes as planned though, I will be in school this fall, spring, summer, and fall and then graduate (for the second time :) in December 2011. Whew. That's hard for me to think about. But like I said, a bit exciting. I'm hoping to move closer to the school after a little while - it'll be an hour commute. We'll see how that goes.

Well this has been a bit rambly, but it's a little bit about most of the things I've been thinking about. Hopefully I'll be better at this - but that's always the hope :). I'll put some pictures on here for you.

This is Dani and I doing goofy faces before the movie - Eclipse! We had a girls night out on Saturday and got all dressed up and went to Crested Butte, about an hour and a half away. Being the silly people we are though, we forgot to take any real pictures of us.


These are some of the fireworks from the fourth of July - pretty much all of the staff and a couple of guests went into town to watch them.


This is what the lake that we fished on today was surrounded by. Talk about gorgeous, mountains and sky every direction you looked.


And this is Brianne, Dani, and I on the boat today. We should've taken pictures of the fish too, but we forgot. Gives us more room to exaggerate :)