Today's been a really reminiscent-y day. Not really a bad thing, just been looking back a lot. Sometimes these days are really hard on me. This one's so-so, but I've distracted myself anytime I've started to delve too deep. But still.
I haven't accomplished much school-wise today, but I do feel as though I'm getting more on track with the whole motivated/getting things done stuff. I'm a beast at getting stuff done if I feel the pressure. Yesterday I cranked out half of a care plan in one morning that I'd been putting off for almost three weeks. It's ridiculous when I think of it, of how long I could've had it done and how much less stress I would have had. But I think I am inherently a procrastinator and always will be; I was actually talking to one of my friends about that the other day.
Like I said, I have spent a fair amount of today looking back over my past. I have come up with some lessons that I have learned, from things that I have gone through and/or always seem to happen.
- People will always come in and out of my life. I'll not always deal with their leaving well, but I will have plenty of opportunity to practice.
- Just because people are geographically far away doesn't mean that they have to be far from me.
- Whenever I eat something with peanut butter, I will inevitably get it on my clothes. Every stinkin' time.
- Mistakes will happen, but how their repercussions affect my life depends entirely upon myself.
- Loving is hard. But it is worth it.
- I'll always have questions, but they won't always have answers. And that's okay - though it may not seem it at the time. Sometimes the point is simply in the asking.
- Food eaten with chopsticks is always more awesome than food eaten with a fork. Or a spoon. A spork is competition though.
- I'll never be who I was yesterday. But that's not a bad thing. And both sides of that lesson will always be hard to learn.
- Music, no matter how silly, cliche, or meaningful, will always hold a huge part of my life.
- I have an aversion to the idea of sleep. This isn't really a lesson, nor is it something that is really beneficial to my life, but it is something that has been a part of me since I was a small child (serious, that's verbatim from the rents). So I thought I'd include it. Especially since it's a large part of why I'm writing this now.
Okay so that's it for now. I'm obviously in a weird mood, but it's a good one. No worries. Heading home tomorrow morning to go with Stacie and Mom to pick up the wedding dress. Eek! Still freaks me out, but I'm really happy for her. Alrighty, I suppose I'll attempt this whole sleep idea. No promises.
Also, guessing game on the title. Anyone?
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Night Train
It's days like this that I wonder what in the hell I'm getting myself into. Let me explain. I just got out of my clinical for 301, which is basically Med/Surg. Normally I'm not too fond of these clinicals, they're okay, it's just that we don't do much - vitals, baths, assessments, pass meds, etc. The basics. And they're all pretty much older clients, mostly pneumonias or stuff. And a fair amount of them are dementia or confusion patients. Anyway, all of that to say that I don't really enjoy them usually, which I know sounds awful. But we rotate around to see other departments. Last week I was supposed to be in the OR, but because of the snow, I missed it. Well today I was in the ER.
I'm not even sure where to begin. All of this is probably going to make me sound really naive or just I don't know, young? Over reactive? And it's silly, but the person I would most like to talk to about all of this I can't talk to. And then thinking about all of that just gets me going again. Sorry.
Okay. I got to the hospital ~0645, went to the floor for pre-conference, yada yada. Everyone else got their patients and such and then my instructor took me down to the ER. I asked her on the way what all I could do - like if I was more observing or participating - she said anything that I've learned, I could do, same as if she was with me. Then she dropped me at the ER, without much instruction or anything, without really assigning me to a nurse. But I stuck mostly with the one who she had talked to for a minute. Not even five minutes later we get this patient by ambulance that has a trach stoma - he had a tracheostomy and used to have a trach in. Trach stoma = hole in his neck. Anyway, he had an arterial bleed and it was bleeding into his trachea....which had a stoma....which meant it was gushing out of his throat. He's rolled into the room and is automatically surrounded by several people - like 5 nurses, the doctor, the medic, someone from respiratory, myself (though I was standing back, trying to stay out of the way). I thought they were moving so slowly, inside I was saying come on, do something! But it's silly for me to think like that, they were moving as fast as possible, had to get pprwk and anesthesiology and such in. I wish I could describe the picture to you adequately. Every time he drew a breath, it sounded like he was drowning. He was gurgling his own blood.
Good grief, there's no way I can write this all. There's just so much, so much that happened today, so much that I'm feeling. I'll just do my best to recap it I guess.
So they have him there, they intubate him, start suctioning the blood, blood goes spraying across the room - I was at least six feet aaway and I had to jump out of the way, finally "finish" what they're doing, and the whole time they had him bagged. They had to use a ambu-bag on the end of the tube they had just stuck in his stoma to make him breathe. That means that someone had to stand there and squeeze it every about five seconds to make his lungs expand, or else they wouldn't have. Mike was doing it for a while (from respiratory, worked with him on the floor before too) but then another patient came into the next room and needed tubed too (he's important, come back to him later) which respiratory has to do, so Mike had to go over there. A nurse took over, but then there was too much junk to do, everything was happening at once, so I found myself with the bag in my hands, breathing for this man who is laying before me, covered in his own blood. Oh, didn't say this, he was about 5'11" and weighed about 115 lbs. That's just a little more than me, but almost a foot taller. Skin and bones. Literally, it was hard enough to look at without even considering all of the other stuff. I don't know how long I was doing that, then the flight team showed up - they were flying him to Carle. They got him all moved onto their stuff and hooked up and bundled up, but the nurses weren't sure that the ventilator they had would work well on him because his tube was sticking up like a foot - not really an exaggeration - in the air. So I found myself putting on one of the flight nurse's jackets while she bagged, then taking back over bagging, and walking with all of them down the halls, out the door, across the parking lot to the helicopter, all the while breathing for this poor man. They got him in the chopper and I ran back inside, back to the ER. None of the nurses think he'll make it.
After that things got more routine, I followed my nurse around; she was doing triage which means she saw each person as they came in, did vitals, and decided their level of priority. It amazed me what some of the people came in for. I went from the previous situation to a man with a toothache. Sharon (my nurse) said that he's a frequent flier though - he comes in all the time, pretty much just drug seeking. There are a lot of those. But there were some legit ones. I'm not going to list off all the patients I saw today, don't even think I could count them if I tried. But one more that's huge.
I went with a different nurse a few times to see some things: IVs being put in, foleys, etc. Well we went to put a foley catheter in a man who was in the priority room - where the patients are severe enough to need cardiac monitoring. He was the one who got tubed earlier this morning, said we'd come back to him. He was a nursing home patient, had the whole gamut of things wrong with him already. Well now he was on a respirator (that's why they tubed him) and watching him "breathe" honest terrified me. His whole body heaved, and not in a regular pattern, but in a jerky, twitchy, really labored way. He had wrist restraints on - protocol if they're on a resp. We tried to get a cath in him, even tried a pediatric one, but couldn't get it. I had ahold of him, had talked to his brother and wife earlier that morning when we were in the room to give him meds, stayed in the room and talked to him - though he couldn't respond - while the nurse had gone to get a different size cath, etc. Shortly after the failed cath attempt, ICU came to get him because he was being admitted. It was later on, while we were in the middle of working with other patients that the charge nurse - who can't be out of her twenties, she just looks so young, but I guess she's married and has two kids - got a phone call about him. They were transferring him up to ICU and when they got him up there, he was dead. Dead. Sharon said well he'd been trying to do that all morning, they just wouldn't let him - I think she could tell I was a bit shook up. I just didn't know how to react. I mean, I've had several people in my life die, several people whom I love and was close to, but this was just....different. I had just seen him, just tried to care for him. Maybe that's why. But I shocked.
The day, however, continued. Maybe that's what shocked me, no one really reacted. I mean, that doesn't make them bad people, they very obviously care, but maybe they've just become so used to stuff like that. It is an emergency room. The charge nurse left to make a call on her cell phone and when she came back she seemed like she had been crying a bit. But other than that, there wasn't really any change. Patients kept coming in, the nurses kept caring for them, life just kept moving. That's how my day ended, it was close to the end of my clinical when all this happened. I spent the last like twenty minutes helping try to get an IV in a very dehydrated two year old. Poor thing, she was cute as could be, but absolutely miserable. Didn't help that three different places of trying IVs on her just ended in three blown out veins.
I missed post-conference because I was too caught up and not watching the time - left at 1300 instead of 1230. So I drove straight home and wasn't quite to my door when the tears started. It doesn't help that I'm tired and my sinuses hate me, but still. I didn't really realize how much today took out of me. Makes me hate living by myself on days like this - I kind of want to be alone, but I kind of want someone with me. Doesn't make sense, I know. But all this has made me think way too much. Made me think about my support system, and how much I need and want someone to be able to just spill to on days like this. I am terribly thankful for my friends. I'm also terribly sad about the people who aren't in my life anymore, for various reasons. My coping mechanisms: forced myself to eat some soup, listening to some city and colour, amos lee, and brett dennen, and now I'm going to try to rest for a bit.
(Title is a song by Amos Lee, check it out)
I'm not even sure where to begin. All of this is probably going to make me sound really naive or just I don't know, young? Over reactive? And it's silly, but the person I would most like to talk to about all of this I can't talk to. And then thinking about all of that just gets me going again. Sorry.
Okay. I got to the hospital ~0645, went to the floor for pre-conference, yada yada. Everyone else got their patients and such and then my instructor took me down to the ER. I asked her on the way what all I could do - like if I was more observing or participating - she said anything that I've learned, I could do, same as if she was with me. Then she dropped me at the ER, without much instruction or anything, without really assigning me to a nurse. But I stuck mostly with the one who she had talked to for a minute. Not even five minutes later we get this patient by ambulance that has a trach stoma - he had a tracheostomy and used to have a trach in. Trach stoma = hole in his neck. Anyway, he had an arterial bleed and it was bleeding into his trachea....which had a stoma....which meant it was gushing out of his throat. He's rolled into the room and is automatically surrounded by several people - like 5 nurses, the doctor, the medic, someone from respiratory, myself (though I was standing back, trying to stay out of the way). I thought they were moving so slowly, inside I was saying come on, do something! But it's silly for me to think like that, they were moving as fast as possible, had to get pprwk and anesthesiology and such in. I wish I could describe the picture to you adequately. Every time he drew a breath, it sounded like he was drowning. He was gurgling his own blood.
Good grief, there's no way I can write this all. There's just so much, so much that happened today, so much that I'm feeling. I'll just do my best to recap it I guess.
So they have him there, they intubate him, start suctioning the blood, blood goes spraying across the room - I was at least six feet aaway and I had to jump out of the way, finally "finish" what they're doing, and the whole time they had him bagged. They had to use a ambu-bag on the end of the tube they had just stuck in his stoma to make him breathe. That means that someone had to stand there and squeeze it every about five seconds to make his lungs expand, or else they wouldn't have. Mike was doing it for a while (from respiratory, worked with him on the floor before too) but then another patient came into the next room and needed tubed too (he's important, come back to him later) which respiratory has to do, so Mike had to go over there. A nurse took over, but then there was too much junk to do, everything was happening at once, so I found myself with the bag in my hands, breathing for this man who is laying before me, covered in his own blood. Oh, didn't say this, he was about 5'11" and weighed about 115 lbs. That's just a little more than me, but almost a foot taller. Skin and bones. Literally, it was hard enough to look at without even considering all of the other stuff. I don't know how long I was doing that, then the flight team showed up - they were flying him to Carle. They got him all moved onto their stuff and hooked up and bundled up, but the nurses weren't sure that the ventilator they had would work well on him because his tube was sticking up like a foot - not really an exaggeration - in the air. So I found myself putting on one of the flight nurse's jackets while she bagged, then taking back over bagging, and walking with all of them down the halls, out the door, across the parking lot to the helicopter, all the while breathing for this poor man. They got him in the chopper and I ran back inside, back to the ER. None of the nurses think he'll make it.
After that things got more routine, I followed my nurse around; she was doing triage which means she saw each person as they came in, did vitals, and decided their level of priority. It amazed me what some of the people came in for. I went from the previous situation to a man with a toothache. Sharon (my nurse) said that he's a frequent flier though - he comes in all the time, pretty much just drug seeking. There are a lot of those. But there were some legit ones. I'm not going to list off all the patients I saw today, don't even think I could count them if I tried. But one more that's huge.
I went with a different nurse a few times to see some things: IVs being put in, foleys, etc. Well we went to put a foley catheter in a man who was in the priority room - where the patients are severe enough to need cardiac monitoring. He was the one who got tubed earlier this morning, said we'd come back to him. He was a nursing home patient, had the whole gamut of things wrong with him already. Well now he was on a respirator (that's why they tubed him) and watching him "breathe" honest terrified me. His whole body heaved, and not in a regular pattern, but in a jerky, twitchy, really labored way. He had wrist restraints on - protocol if they're on a resp. We tried to get a cath in him, even tried a pediatric one, but couldn't get it. I had ahold of him, had talked to his brother and wife earlier that morning when we were in the room to give him meds, stayed in the room and talked to him - though he couldn't respond - while the nurse had gone to get a different size cath, etc. Shortly after the failed cath attempt, ICU came to get him because he was being admitted. It was later on, while we were in the middle of working with other patients that the charge nurse - who can't be out of her twenties, she just looks so young, but I guess she's married and has two kids - got a phone call about him. They were transferring him up to ICU and when they got him up there, he was dead. Dead. Sharon said well he'd been trying to do that all morning, they just wouldn't let him - I think she could tell I was a bit shook up. I just didn't know how to react. I mean, I've had several people in my life die, several people whom I love and was close to, but this was just....different. I had just seen him, just tried to care for him. Maybe that's why. But I shocked.
The day, however, continued. Maybe that's what shocked me, no one really reacted. I mean, that doesn't make them bad people, they very obviously care, but maybe they've just become so used to stuff like that. It is an emergency room. The charge nurse left to make a call on her cell phone and when she came back she seemed like she had been crying a bit. But other than that, there wasn't really any change. Patients kept coming in, the nurses kept caring for them, life just kept moving. That's how my day ended, it was close to the end of my clinical when all this happened. I spent the last like twenty minutes helping try to get an IV in a very dehydrated two year old. Poor thing, she was cute as could be, but absolutely miserable. Didn't help that three different places of trying IVs on her just ended in three blown out veins.
I missed post-conference because I was too caught up and not watching the time - left at 1300 instead of 1230. So I drove straight home and wasn't quite to my door when the tears started. It doesn't help that I'm tired and my sinuses hate me, but still. I didn't really realize how much today took out of me. Makes me hate living by myself on days like this - I kind of want to be alone, but I kind of want someone with me. Doesn't make sense, I know. But all this has made me think way too much. Made me think about my support system, and how much I need and want someone to be able to just spill to on days like this. I am terribly thankful for my friends. I'm also terribly sad about the people who aren't in my life anymore, for various reasons. My coping mechanisms: forced myself to eat some soup, listening to some city and colour, amos lee, and brett dennen, and now I'm going to try to rest for a bit.
(Title is a song by Amos Lee, check it out)
Saturday, February 5, 2011
A few updates, a few dreams, a few insights
There are days when my body just decides to hate me for no logical reason. Today - the latter half - has been one of those days.
The past week has been weird. Good I suppose, but just weird. Sunday was a sleep late and come back to Danville day. Got nothing accomplished. Oh, but I did get sick again. I can't really figure that one out, it's the second Sunday in a row that I've gone to bed and had to get right back up to run to a trash can. I think it may honestly be nerves that I don't consciously realize/acknowledge. It's weird though, I've never been a puker. But it's making me think of my panics, times when I've completely freaked out and didn't have a really legit reason. I digress. Monday was an exam and then clinical. Mid-clinical the weather went nuts, resulting in school being cancelled Tuesday. And Wednesday. Oh and let's not forget about Thursday. It was really nice to not have the two exams that were scheduled for Tuesday, clinical on Wednesday, or the quiz on Thursday. And to have my care plan pushed back another week. Not so nice though is the fact that all of that is now added onto next week and I've lost all motivation and studying skills. Meh, you win some you lose some.
As a result of not having really any social interactions the past few days, I came home mid-Thursday. I had an appointment in Indy today so I was planning on coming home this weekend anyway, but now it's turned into a more long term stay. I was gone most all today but tomorrow I've left open so that I will have to force myself to study. Well I'll at least try.
The doctor's appointment today went really well. It was just a post-surgery follow up type of thing. X-ray should that my bone is completely fused back together already, which is ahead of schedule. I liked that - I mean it's not like I was doing anything to help it, but it's nice that as screwed up as my body is, it can excel at fixing itself. I'm weird.
A good friend of mine who was only in my life for a short amount of time gave me a good diagnosis once. We were talking of traveling and such and I told him about how I get stir crazy if I don't go somewhere fairly often. I need a change of scenery, different surroundings. He told me that I have "restless leg syndrome." Now I realize that this is an actual thing that people actually suffer from, and it's not something that I actually do have in the true sense of the disease, but for some reason I love the application to my desire for travel. My feet itch, my legs can't stay still if I do the same thing over and over in the same place. I'm reaching that point. Last semester nursing school was new and exciting, living at home was different because it was the first time I'd actually unpacked anything while here since the summer of 2006. Really. Last fall I lived out of totes and stuff that had stayed here. And the one summer I was at home was the same thing. Anyway, my "restless leg syndrome" is flaring up. I'm itching to be out of here, to break out of my cycle of school, study, eat, sleep, home on the weekends. And I know myself well enough to know it's just going to get worse until I go completely nuts. I've slept on a couch for the past three nights. Don't ask, it's just something I do when I'm like this. Maybe just a short day trip to someplace random will do the trick. Shoot dang I wish it was warm enough to camp. I'm seriously contemplating a trip to Arkansas next week. For realz.
I was on one of my friends' blogs a couple days ago and ran across a piece of awesomeness. She lives in Tennessee and her and another friend took a roadtrip to see the world's biggest tree house. No joke. This thing is one of the neatest things I've ever seen. Some of you may recall our dreams to live in Baobab trees (which I still thing would be incredibly awesome). Well this is what mine would look like. I now know that I can settle for no less if I were to ever build a tree house. Okay okay, so it would be seriously downsized. I mean I'm small, I can justify that right? I also don't have like twenty years to invest in it. So. Here's the link, you should really look at it. Watch the drool though. One thing though, I don't really care for his story of why he built it, kind of hokey, but the results make the reasoning less significant.
http://www.odditycentral.com/pics/ministers-house-the-worlds-biggest-treehouse.html
While I was admiring those pictures (and seriously procrastinating on homework) I found a few things. One is a bunch of really stinking awesome pieces of architecture that if I'm really ambitious would love to put on my bucket list to see all of them one day. A link to that: http://damncoolpics.blogspot.com/2011/02/85-strange-and-stunning-buildings.html I will say though, I have already been to four of them. That's a start right? You get to guess which four :)
Man I'm really encouraging the time wasting today aren't I? There's one more though. I also found where I would absolutely love to work. Seriously, if there was a way that I could do this I would. Well maybe just for a few months. But it's supah cool. Link! http://www.odditycentral.com/pics/inventionland-coolest-workplace-in-the-whole-wide-world.html There's an actual website, but that one has a lot of good pictures. Their actual website says they do tours though...so that may have to be added to my New England roadtrip plans.
I feel the need to mention ice. No ice ice babies included. Everything in this area is just completely coated in ice. It is absolutely gorgeous but has led to some not so pleasant things. For me: a really sore bum. Fall number one was taking my trash out at my apartment. Numbers two, three, four, five.....well then I stopped counting....happened at my parent's when I was being a fool taking pictures. I had a blast though, no sarcasm included. For my mom: a trip to the ER and some seriously swollen lips and nose. And here in a few days what's sure to be some seriously black eyes. Then there's tons of other people who have had actual bad injuries. Again, you win some you lose some. I'll put up some of the pictures I took next time; I haven't put them on my computer yet and I'm not real sure where my camera is currently.
Alright, there's more, but it's 1:30 here and I'm pooped. I hope you all are well. Your new artist for the day (I think I've decided to try to introduce a new band on here with each entry) is going to have to be Alexi Murdoch. I love him. Don't know that I could give you a specific song of his, but most all of them are beautiful. There's one for you - Something Beautiful. Also, Wait and Orange Sky are two of my favorites.
The past week has been weird. Good I suppose, but just weird. Sunday was a sleep late and come back to Danville day. Got nothing accomplished. Oh, but I did get sick again. I can't really figure that one out, it's the second Sunday in a row that I've gone to bed and had to get right back up to run to a trash can. I think it may honestly be nerves that I don't consciously realize/acknowledge. It's weird though, I've never been a puker. But it's making me think of my panics, times when I've completely freaked out and didn't have a really legit reason. I digress. Monday was an exam and then clinical. Mid-clinical the weather went nuts, resulting in school being cancelled Tuesday. And Wednesday. Oh and let's not forget about Thursday. It was really nice to not have the two exams that were scheduled for Tuesday, clinical on Wednesday, or the quiz on Thursday. And to have my care plan pushed back another week. Not so nice though is the fact that all of that is now added onto next week and I've lost all motivation and studying skills. Meh, you win some you lose some.
As a result of not having really any social interactions the past few days, I came home mid-Thursday. I had an appointment in Indy today so I was planning on coming home this weekend anyway, but now it's turned into a more long term stay. I was gone most all today but tomorrow I've left open so that I will have to force myself to study. Well I'll at least try.
The doctor's appointment today went really well. It was just a post-surgery follow up type of thing. X-ray should that my bone is completely fused back together already, which is ahead of schedule. I liked that - I mean it's not like I was doing anything to help it, but it's nice that as screwed up as my body is, it can excel at fixing itself. I'm weird.
A good friend of mine who was only in my life for a short amount of time gave me a good diagnosis once. We were talking of traveling and such and I told him about how I get stir crazy if I don't go somewhere fairly often. I need a change of scenery, different surroundings. He told me that I have "restless leg syndrome." Now I realize that this is an actual thing that people actually suffer from, and it's not something that I actually do have in the true sense of the disease, but for some reason I love the application to my desire for travel. My feet itch, my legs can't stay still if I do the same thing over and over in the same place. I'm reaching that point. Last semester nursing school was new and exciting, living at home was different because it was the first time I'd actually unpacked anything while here since the summer of 2006. Really. Last fall I lived out of totes and stuff that had stayed here. And the one summer I was at home was the same thing. Anyway, my "restless leg syndrome" is flaring up. I'm itching to be out of here, to break out of my cycle of school, study, eat, sleep, home on the weekends. And I know myself well enough to know it's just going to get worse until I go completely nuts. I've slept on a couch for the past three nights. Don't ask, it's just something I do when I'm like this. Maybe just a short day trip to someplace random will do the trick. Shoot dang I wish it was warm enough to camp. I'm seriously contemplating a trip to Arkansas next week. For realz.
I was on one of my friends' blogs a couple days ago and ran across a piece of awesomeness. She lives in Tennessee and her and another friend took a roadtrip to see the world's biggest tree house. No joke. This thing is one of the neatest things I've ever seen. Some of you may recall our dreams to live in Baobab trees (which I still thing would be incredibly awesome). Well this is what mine would look like. I now know that I can settle for no less if I were to ever build a tree house. Okay okay, so it would be seriously downsized. I mean I'm small, I can justify that right? I also don't have like twenty years to invest in it. So. Here's the link, you should really look at it. Watch the drool though. One thing though, I don't really care for his story of why he built it, kind of hokey, but the results make the reasoning less significant.
http://www.odditycentral.com/pics/ministers-house-the-worlds-biggest-treehouse.html
While I was admiring those pictures (and seriously procrastinating on homework) I found a few things. One is a bunch of really stinking awesome pieces of architecture that if I'm really ambitious would love to put on my bucket list to see all of them one day. A link to that: http://damncoolpics.blogspot.com/2011/02/85-strange-and-stunning-buildings.html I will say though, I have already been to four of them. That's a start right? You get to guess which four :)
Man I'm really encouraging the time wasting today aren't I? There's one more though. I also found where I would absolutely love to work. Seriously, if there was a way that I could do this I would. Well maybe just for a few months. But it's supah cool. Link! http://www.odditycentral.com/pics/inventionland-coolest-workplace-in-the-whole-wide-world.html There's an actual website, but that one has a lot of good pictures. Their actual website says they do tours though...so that may have to be added to my New England roadtrip plans.
I feel the need to mention ice. No ice ice babies included. Everything in this area is just completely coated in ice. It is absolutely gorgeous but has led to some not so pleasant things. For me: a really sore bum. Fall number one was taking my trash out at my apartment. Numbers two, three, four, five.....well then I stopped counting....happened at my parent's when I was being a fool taking pictures. I had a blast though, no sarcasm included. For my mom: a trip to the ER and some seriously swollen lips and nose. And here in a few days what's sure to be some seriously black eyes. Then there's tons of other people who have had actual bad injuries. Again, you win some you lose some. I'll put up some of the pictures I took next time; I haven't put them on my computer yet and I'm not real sure where my camera is currently.
Alright, there's more, but it's 1:30 here and I'm pooped. I hope you all are well. Your new artist for the day (I think I've decided to try to introduce a new band on here with each entry) is going to have to be Alexi Murdoch. I love him. Don't know that I could give you a specific song of his, but most all of them are beautiful. There's one for you - Something Beautiful. Also, Wait and Orange Sky are two of my favorites.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Mistakes we knew we were making
Ahem. I have to make an addition to the previous post. The title is in reference to the song by Charlotte Martin. I'm sure there was some significant reason at the time, but I really don't remember now. This one is in reference to the Straylight Run song. Encourage you to look it up and give it a listen :)
I'm very thankful for good friends. I mean, it's not that I don't have friends here, got asked to go out tonight, know that I can call them for almost anything, etc, but there's just something about those friends who know you to your core. Who, with a few words from you, will know that something is wrong and will call without hesitation no matter the time. It doesn't matter where they are, or how long it's been since you've seen or talked to them, they're there. And they'll love you no matter what. I'm thankful for you.
Tonight may end up being more other people's words than my own.
I've recently started (sporadically) reading My Utmost for His Highest again. It's interesting to me, always has been, but from the perspective I have now it's even more so. Anyway. Yesterday he talked about something interesting, that I'm not sure I completely understand but that piqued my interest regardless. The whole book is based in a paradigm that I'm not sure that I completely fall in line with. Well, I'm pretty much positive that I don't line up with it anymore. But I still think that there can be benefits from it. He spoke of consecration yesterday, about Matthew 6:30(ish) and whether we were experiencing the 'much more' that has been promised to us. "Consider the lilies of the field . . .” (Matthew 6:28). They grow where they are planted. Many of us refuse to grow where God plants us. Therefore, we don’t take root anywhere. Jesus said if we would obey the life of God within us, He would look after all other things. Did Jesus Christ lie to us? Are we experiencing the “much more” He promised? If we are not, it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us and have cluttered our minds with confusing thoughts and worries. How much time have we wasted asking God senseless questions while we should be absolutely free to concentrate on our service to Him? Consecration is the act of continually separating myself from everything except that which God has appointed me to do. It is not a one-time experience but an ongoing process. Am I continually separating myself and looking to God every day of my life?" The part of not taking root anywhere caught me. That's who I've been, who I've wanted to be for a long time. I love the traveling, the moving from place to place. Now, I don't think he's speaking solely on the physical here. But I'm the same in other ways as well. I have avoided making ties, emotionally and such, to those I have been around for the past how many ever years. I keep a 'safe' distance between others and myself. For me to let someone in is a miraculous event, one that happens fairly rarely. With those whom I have let in though, a beautiful thing has grown. There's a comfort, an astonishing beauty in the relationships with those who know me so well, know how to judge my every thought and movement and how to anticipate the next. Also interesting to me was the cluttering of our minds with confusing thoughts and worries. Oh dear. That's me - and several others I know - to a T. I understand the senseless questions. Now, like I said earlier, this isn't something that I totally fall in line with, agree with. Some of you know the journey I've been on for the past well, probably two-ish years now. It's one that I have stalled and pushed away so as to not deal with for the past probably 10 months. But in just this past month I have begun to confront it again. There's an entry in the making on all of that, but in all honesty I'm terrified to talk about it all. But I will. I need to.
I recently watched "It's Kind of a Funny Story" and I loved it. It's one of those that I'm sure not most people would like, but I did. A quote that I really liked:
"See, that's the part I don't get Craig. I mean...you're cool, you're smart, you're talented...you have a family that loves you, you know. What I would do just to be you just for a day. I would, I would do so much. I would...I don't know, I would just...I'd just live. Like it meant something."
Also at the end of the movie, when he's doing a voice-over, I loved what he had to say. There's no way that I could get all that down or that it would sound as neat out of context. But the whole idea of 'just live' is awesome to me. Falls in line with my wrist :)
A newfound favorite lyric of mine:
"Cause I've been trying way too long,
To try and be the perfect song,
When our hearts are heavy burdens,
We shouldn't have to bear alone."
As always, sorry so rambly, and I love you all.
I'm very thankful for good friends. I mean, it's not that I don't have friends here, got asked to go out tonight, know that I can call them for almost anything, etc, but there's just something about those friends who know you to your core. Who, with a few words from you, will know that something is wrong and will call without hesitation no matter the time. It doesn't matter where they are, or how long it's been since you've seen or talked to them, they're there. And they'll love you no matter what. I'm thankful for you.
Tonight may end up being more other people's words than my own.
I've recently started (sporadically) reading My Utmost for His Highest again. It's interesting to me, always has been, but from the perspective I have now it's even more so. Anyway. Yesterday he talked about something interesting, that I'm not sure I completely understand but that piqued my interest regardless. The whole book is based in a paradigm that I'm not sure that I completely fall in line with. Well, I'm pretty much positive that I don't line up with it anymore. But I still think that there can be benefits from it. He spoke of consecration yesterday, about Matthew 6:30(ish) and whether we were experiencing the 'much more' that has been promised to us. "Consider the lilies of the field . . .” (Matthew 6:28). They grow where they are planted. Many of us refuse to grow where God plants us. Therefore, we don’t take root anywhere. Jesus said if we would obey the life of God within us, He would look after all other things. Did Jesus Christ lie to us? Are we experiencing the “much more” He promised? If we are not, it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us and have cluttered our minds with confusing thoughts and worries. How much time have we wasted asking God senseless questions while we should be absolutely free to concentrate on our service to Him? Consecration is the act of continually separating myself from everything except that which God has appointed me to do. It is not a one-time experience but an ongoing process. Am I continually separating myself and looking to God every day of my life?" The part of not taking root anywhere caught me. That's who I've been, who I've wanted to be for a long time. I love the traveling, the moving from place to place. Now, I don't think he's speaking solely on the physical here. But I'm the same in other ways as well. I have avoided making ties, emotionally and such, to those I have been around for the past how many ever years. I keep a 'safe' distance between others and myself. For me to let someone in is a miraculous event, one that happens fairly rarely. With those whom I have let in though, a beautiful thing has grown. There's a comfort, an astonishing beauty in the relationships with those who know me so well, know how to judge my every thought and movement and how to anticipate the next. Also interesting to me was the cluttering of our minds with confusing thoughts and worries. Oh dear. That's me - and several others I know - to a T. I understand the senseless questions. Now, like I said earlier, this isn't something that I totally fall in line with, agree with. Some of you know the journey I've been on for the past well, probably two-ish years now. It's one that I have stalled and pushed away so as to not deal with for the past probably 10 months. But in just this past month I have begun to confront it again. There's an entry in the making on all of that, but in all honesty I'm terrified to talk about it all. But I will. I need to.
I recently watched "It's Kind of a Funny Story" and I loved it. It's one of those that I'm sure not most people would like, but I did. A quote that I really liked:
"See, that's the part I don't get Craig. I mean...you're cool, you're smart, you're talented...you have a family that loves you, you know. What I would do just to be you just for a day. I would, I would do so much. I would...I don't know, I would just...I'd just live. Like it meant something."
Also at the end of the movie, when he's doing a voice-over, I loved what he had to say. There's no way that I could get all that down or that it would sound as neat out of context. But the whole idea of 'just live' is awesome to me. Falls in line with my wrist :)
A newfound favorite lyric of mine:
"Cause I've been trying way too long,
To try and be the perfect song,
When our hearts are heavy burdens,
We shouldn't have to bear alone."
As always, sorry so rambly, and I love you all.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Everytime it rains
Oof. It's been quite the couple of weeks. I feel as though there are many major events that I could write about, but I'll just leave it at a couple.
I moved into my apartment! It has to be the weirdest, most mismatched place ever, so naturally I love it. I keep on aiming to take pictures or a video or something but have yet to. I'm at home for the weekend, but maybe when I go back on Monday (no school because of MLKJ day) I'll get around to it. And I'll put whatever it is up here so you all can share in my joy :) But really, it is a strange sort of place. I'm really enjoying being out on my own again, but it is still weird. I've met two of my neighbors so far, I like them both. By neighbors I mean people who live in the upstairs; it's an old house that they've turned into an apartment. I've got to talk to one of them, Jeff, a few times. He has a really cool story - what I know of it so far. I hope to learn more.
I also started classes again. Woot? Mixed feelings there. It's good to see everyone again and be surrounded once more by people who understand and can commiserate with what I'm going through. It's also cool to have the feeling again of working towards something, towards what a large part of my life is going to be. But...well let's face it, I'm lazy. Just burnt out I suppose. Already I have tons of studying to do, homework type stuff, quizzes next week to study for....and have I done any of it? Negatory. Motivation is already lacking, which cannot be a good thing. I don't know though, maybe it'll just take me a bit to get back into the swing of things, to buckle down and push myself to do everything.
A recent thing: my sister bought her wedding dress today. Wait, what? My sister? Wedding dress? Marriage?! Yeah, I still haven't wrapped my mind completely around all of that. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for her. (Those of you who have been with me through that journey know that that wasn't always the case.) But we went to her appointment tonight to try it on again and for me to try bridesmaid dresses on. I think with every step that we take towards the wedding it becomes less surreal and more a part of my reality. I was alternating between a few dresses for her to look at and there was all this wedding talk going on. Who all the bridesmaids were, what kind of dresses they would all wear, what my sister's dress looked like, when the wedding was, where it would be, who she was marrying, etc etc. All these details about this huge event that I evidently still haven't quite accepted. In a weird sort of way though, I realized another thing during all of it. I think I'm....jealous. It's pretty weird. A wedding and marriage is not something that I have really pictured myself in. You know how there are some girls who know their whole life that that's what they want, to be married, to have a family, a house, some even dream of their wedding and have the details planned out long before the event can even happen. I've never really been that girl. I mean, I know that someday I would like to be married. No one really wishes to go through life alone do they? Maybe some people, but not really me. The thought of marriage though is something that I have pushed away for a very long time. Now I see my sister, in love with this man who I know would do anything for her. I see them planning together the house that they will live in, will raise their children in, will grow old - together - in. And I feel this strange longing in me. Weird, I know, and it's a weird way to say it. But strangely enough it is true. I've always been the one so focused on my future, on my dreams of travel, of helping do something to make a change - all these crazy dreams. And I've always adamantly told myself that in order to fulfill those dreams, marriage couldn't be in the picture. And I've been okay with that. (Others have tried to tell me differently, and part of me knows that it's true, they can be combined into a beautiful thing. I'm not completely crazy, I promise.) But I'm 22 (I never used to think that was old) and now when I play out my 'dreams' time line in my head, I'm a little shocked. Let's say loosely that I have another year of school, one to two years of solid experience, a few years of travel nursing or MSF, and then settling down? That puts me at like 28ish. What?! Again, that's not really old or anything, but I do want to have kids (as terrified as I am of it). I don't really want to be the parent that's mistaken for a grandparent at school events. And I'm scared enough of health stuff, and those risks will just go up with my age. I was talking to one of my friends the other day about compromise. Would I be willing to compromise? To sacrifice (for lack of a better word) some of my dreams in order to have others? I worry that I've set a plan too firmly in my head (and my heart) and may have missed out on other opportunities. Or that I will continue marching forward with my blinders on, too future focused to stop and look around me and enjoy what I have here in the present. Ugh. Sorry, I realize that this has again become one large ramble/rant. It's just a lot of what I have been thinking about lately.
In other news: I'm going to church with Megan tomorrow, and I'm pretty excited about it. She may hate me because it's already 2am and I'm supposed to meet her at 9....yeah, pretty sure I'll be a bit cranky. My bad Meg. Along the same note though, Mom asked me if we were going to meet them for lunch tomorrow (my family always goes out to lunch on Sundays after church). I said we would and she told me, in an uber serious manner, that her and dad had an announcement to make to all of us together tomorrow, and that we weren't to share it. What is that?! I mean really? Well I tried to pry something out of her, which got me nowhere. Asked if they were getting a divorce (jokingly), to which I got a no. Was she pregnant? To which I got a look and an oh-my-goodness-I-hope-not-look-how-the-first-three-turned-out. Were they selling the house? To which I got a you'll have to wait and see. That's what I got to anything else I said as well. But I'm not going to lie, she has me wondering - and worried. Stinking woman. It's probably something silly and she's just getting a sick pleasure out of torturing me. Mothers.
Alright, I suppose I'm going to attempt sleep now. Sorry for the rambling and the lack of grammar and the excessive use of parentheses - wow, just looked at that. Oh well. I hope you all are well and that you all have fantastic upcoming weeks!
I moved into my apartment! It has to be the weirdest, most mismatched place ever, so naturally I love it. I keep on aiming to take pictures or a video or something but have yet to. I'm at home for the weekend, but maybe when I go back on Monday (no school because of MLKJ day) I'll get around to it. And I'll put whatever it is up here so you all can share in my joy :) But really, it is a strange sort of place. I'm really enjoying being out on my own again, but it is still weird. I've met two of my neighbors so far, I like them both. By neighbors I mean people who live in the upstairs; it's an old house that they've turned into an apartment. I've got to talk to one of them, Jeff, a few times. He has a really cool story - what I know of it so far. I hope to learn more.
I also started classes again. Woot? Mixed feelings there. It's good to see everyone again and be surrounded once more by people who understand and can commiserate with what I'm going through. It's also cool to have the feeling again of working towards something, towards what a large part of my life is going to be. But...well let's face it, I'm lazy. Just burnt out I suppose. Already I have tons of studying to do, homework type stuff, quizzes next week to study for....and have I done any of it? Negatory. Motivation is already lacking, which cannot be a good thing. I don't know though, maybe it'll just take me a bit to get back into the swing of things, to buckle down and push myself to do everything.
A recent thing: my sister bought her wedding dress today. Wait, what? My sister? Wedding dress? Marriage?! Yeah, I still haven't wrapped my mind completely around all of that. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for her. (Those of you who have been with me through that journey know that that wasn't always the case.) But we went to her appointment tonight to try it on again and for me to try bridesmaid dresses on. I think with every step that we take towards the wedding it becomes less surreal and more a part of my reality. I was alternating between a few dresses for her to look at and there was all this wedding talk going on. Who all the bridesmaids were, what kind of dresses they would all wear, what my sister's dress looked like, when the wedding was, where it would be, who she was marrying, etc etc. All these details about this huge event that I evidently still haven't quite accepted. In a weird sort of way though, I realized another thing during all of it. I think I'm....jealous. It's pretty weird. A wedding and marriage is not something that I have really pictured myself in. You know how there are some girls who know their whole life that that's what they want, to be married, to have a family, a house, some even dream of their wedding and have the details planned out long before the event can even happen. I've never really been that girl. I mean, I know that someday I would like to be married. No one really wishes to go through life alone do they? Maybe some people, but not really me. The thought of marriage though is something that I have pushed away for a very long time. Now I see my sister, in love with this man who I know would do anything for her. I see them planning together the house that they will live in, will raise their children in, will grow old - together - in. And I feel this strange longing in me. Weird, I know, and it's a weird way to say it. But strangely enough it is true. I've always been the one so focused on my future, on my dreams of travel, of helping do something to make a change - all these crazy dreams. And I've always adamantly told myself that in order to fulfill those dreams, marriage couldn't be in the picture. And I've been okay with that. (Others have tried to tell me differently, and part of me knows that it's true, they can be combined into a beautiful thing. I'm not completely crazy, I promise.) But I'm 22 (I never used to think that was old) and now when I play out my 'dreams' time line in my head, I'm a little shocked. Let's say loosely that I have another year of school, one to two years of solid experience, a few years of travel nursing or MSF, and then settling down? That puts me at like 28ish. What?! Again, that's not really old or anything, but I do want to have kids (as terrified as I am of it). I don't really want to be the parent that's mistaken for a grandparent at school events. And I'm scared enough of health stuff, and those risks will just go up with my age. I was talking to one of my friends the other day about compromise. Would I be willing to compromise? To sacrifice (for lack of a better word) some of my dreams in order to have others? I worry that I've set a plan too firmly in my head (and my heart) and may have missed out on other opportunities. Or that I will continue marching forward with my blinders on, too future focused to stop and look around me and enjoy what I have here in the present. Ugh. Sorry, I realize that this has again become one large ramble/rant. It's just a lot of what I have been thinking about lately.
In other news: I'm going to church with Megan tomorrow, and I'm pretty excited about it. She may hate me because it's already 2am and I'm supposed to meet her at 9....yeah, pretty sure I'll be a bit cranky. My bad Meg. Along the same note though, Mom asked me if we were going to meet them for lunch tomorrow (my family always goes out to lunch on Sundays after church). I said we would and she told me, in an uber serious manner, that her and dad had an announcement to make to all of us together tomorrow, and that we weren't to share it. What is that?! I mean really? Well I tried to pry something out of her, which got me nowhere. Asked if they were getting a divorce (jokingly), to which I got a no. Was she pregnant? To which I got a look and an oh-my-goodness-I-hope-not-look-how-the-first-three-turned-out. Were they selling the house? To which I got a you'll have to wait and see. That's what I got to anything else I said as well. But I'm not going to lie, she has me wondering - and worried. Stinking woman. It's probably something silly and she's just getting a sick pleasure out of torturing me. Mothers.
Alright, I suppose I'm going to attempt sleep now. Sorry for the rambling and the lack of grammar and the excessive use of parentheses - wow, just looked at that. Oh well. I hope you all are well and that you all have fantastic upcoming weeks!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
......hesitations....? And some recap-ations
Yes, another post. Ridiculous, I know. But I am attempting to pack and am starting to get really...unsettled...I guess? Not really sure that is the word that I want, but I can't find a better one. It's weird, I'm pretty excited about moving, about having my own place, about not having to drive. But as I sort and pack my things, I find myself dragging my feet and trying to slow time down.I've tried to figure out why, but can't come up with a really good reason. I think I've become comfortable, happy if you will, here. I was the person who always swore that I wouldn't come back, wouldn't move in with my parents, wouldn't get stuck here until I had gone out and experienced the world. If that is the case, then why am I so content here? Don't misunderstand, there is nothing at all wrong with Parke County (sorry Meg, don't want you to think that). It's just that it's only one place, one culture, when there are innumerable ones out there. And I want to see them. Hm. It's quite the conundrum. Regardless of my hesitations, I am leaving over the next couple days. I say leaving like it's something drastic, but in all reality I'll only be an hour away. Big whoop. But I've gotten used to the idea of my friends being right here, close (even though a lot of them are still in other states and countries). Ugh. I don't know what's wrong with me.
In other news, I had an amazing experience a few days ago. You know that musical that I wanted to go see? A little thing called Wicked? Well.....I WENT!!! And it was freaking amazing. Yes. Mom went with me and she was laughing at me because while we were sitting in our seats waiting for it to begin I was literally bouncing in the seat and counting down the minutes until eight o'clock. When it finally started I may have squealed. I got goosebumps during the songs and had a hard time not singing along (I mouthed every word though :). One more thing checked off the bucket list. Feel free to make fun.
I was trying to recap my 2010 the other day and had a hard time coming up with everything. Stupid failing memory. Some highlights though: my tattoo, graduating from college, getting accepted to and starting nursing school, my sister getting engaged, my brother buying a house, Colorado (again), dragging my friends to the HP7 premiere, New Year's, and lots and lots of other little things. Also getting to be around my family and at home friends so much.
I got to thinking about those pictures I posted a while back. Suppose I should explain some of them. The first two are pictures of a soccer game I went to with Vonnie and Jamie (friends from Lakeview). It was between the USA and Italy's women soccer teams to get to the World Cup. We won! Next is Dylan dressed as Harry Potter for Halloween, then a family picture at French Lick from mom's surprise birthday party. Then Meg and Court with a cardboard Justin Bieber at the theatre (Court's obsessed...) and me and Dyl being weird. Next was a picture to show why I was gagging in the car - a dead deer strapped to the top of someone's car driving down 41....ew. Next are hats: Dylan and I ganged up on Justin to get him to wear my bohemian-ish hat, and Brent tried on a dancing singing Christmas hat at Cracker Barrel. Yeah, we're all pretty awesome, I know.
Also, just a random last note. A new song for you. Check out Toi et Moi (You and I) by Antoine Dufour. I have fallen completely in love with it.
In other news, I had an amazing experience a few days ago. You know that musical that I wanted to go see? A little thing called Wicked? Well.....I WENT!!! And it was freaking amazing. Yes. Mom went with me and she was laughing at me because while we were sitting in our seats waiting for it to begin I was literally bouncing in the seat and counting down the minutes until eight o'clock. When it finally started I may have squealed. I got goosebumps during the songs and had a hard time not singing along (I mouthed every word though :). One more thing checked off the bucket list. Feel free to make fun.
I was trying to recap my 2010 the other day and had a hard time coming up with everything. Stupid failing memory. Some highlights though: my tattoo, graduating from college, getting accepted to and starting nursing school, my sister getting engaged, my brother buying a house, Colorado (again), dragging my friends to the HP7 premiere, New Year's, and lots and lots of other little things. Also getting to be around my family and at home friends so much.
I got to thinking about those pictures I posted a while back. Suppose I should explain some of them. The first two are pictures of a soccer game I went to with Vonnie and Jamie (friends from Lakeview). It was between the USA and Italy's women soccer teams to get to the World Cup. We won! Next is Dylan dressed as Harry Potter for Halloween, then a family picture at French Lick from mom's surprise birthday party. Then Meg and Court with a cardboard Justin Bieber at the theatre (Court's obsessed...) and me and Dyl being weird. Next was a picture to show why I was gagging in the car - a dead deer strapped to the top of someone's car driving down 41....ew. Next are hats: Dylan and I ganged up on Justin to get him to wear my bohemian-ish hat, and Brent tried on a dancing singing Christmas hat at Cracker Barrel. Yeah, we're all pretty awesome, I know.
Also, just a random last note. A new song for you. Check out Toi et Moi (You and I) by Antoine Dufour. I have fallen completely in love with it.
Monday, January 3, 2011
I let myself fall
Okay so there is, as always, much that I want to write about. However, I am currently lying in bed and really need to actually go to sleep. However, a few things before I do sleep. Happy new year! Welcome to a clean slate, 365 days of potential. It's up to you to make sure that they're not days of lost or unused potential. Anyone make any resolutions? I tend to not make them, mostly because I know that I probably won't follow them through. There are a few loose ones bouncing around in my head though. This is my last week of non-schoolness. Aka: my last week of freedom and laziness. I move sometime this week/weekend. I'm pretty darned excited, partly because it's my first "real" apartment, partly because I'm ready to be out on my ownish again, partly for the elimination of the commute, etc. I'm also a bit sad/apprehensive because I won't be around my family as much, won't get to see them everyday. I haven't had that for the past four years really but now that I have I think it'll be hard to leave it again. Also because I'll be leaving my friends again which is always sad. But I will only be an hour away and such. I think it's a good time to be leaving though. Tonight's the first night to sleep by myself in the past few days. Don't freak out, JQ's been here the past couple of days and the other night a group of us stayed at a friend's house. I miss having a roommate, having someone to talk to and such. But it's fine, it was just nice to have that for a bit again. I hate this feeling though, back to being just me after having company. I took JQ to the airport today which was bittersweet. It made me think of driving her to Denver this summer to fly out. It was the end of the two of us being roommates essentially. It was rough. I got a slight brush of those feelings today. Yuck. I hate closing chapters, inevitable change, etc. I don't open up to people easily because of that, because I feel as though it'll just come down to a goodbye. Silly, I know. But I'm working on those walls, always have to be. Having JQ here made me realize that I've let some of them creep back up. I don't like that. I have a hard time taking them down by myself though and apparently I haven't been paying enough attention. This is just one big run on ramble; I'm sorry for that. But just some of the thoughts going through my head right now. Night friends. I hope you all had a great Christmas and new year!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)