Two

Two in August! Can you believe it? I'm up at 1am when I really should be in bed - should've been in bed hours ago. But here I am...

I've made it through my first week. If you can call it making it through. From the first class I felt like I was flailing my arms in an ocean with no edge. I'm behind before I've even started. Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I know that a lot of that is attitude (which I severely need to work on) but a lot of it is the simple fact that I don't know what I'm doing. In more than one sense. Is this really what I want to do with my life? Do I want to spend the next year and a half to two years of my life completely consumed with this? Is it worth it? Why am I doing it? Is it important enough to me, is it a passion or just something that I feel like I should do? Why in the world can't I just commit to something and plow through it?

I went to two new doctors this week too. The first one was yesterday in Indy, another dentist/jaw doctor who I was referred to by Dr Wolford, my surgeon. We talked for a long time - I got to relive my lovely medical history, yet again. I actually really liked him, he was nice and genuine, didn't want to do anything invasive or anything without my permission. He and the lady that were working with us were both taken aback by everything we told them, not skeptical or condescending and I think he was extra cautious with me after he knew everything I've been through with doctors. He ground on my teeth, very minimally and asking me every time he went to do more. He said that he wasn't expecting any magical fix it thing to happen, and he wasn't promising anything like it. I appreciated that. Then today I went to see a chiropractor in town. Technically I've gone to her before, but that was probably about 5 or 6 years ago. I like her. We talked for a bit, updated stuff, and she worked on me for a while. Found out that I have a slight curvature in my spine. That was exciting (sarcasm). She looked at my wrists too and was kind of astounded by them. She referred me to a hand specialist in Indy - rather disheartening. I think I knew in the back of my mind that that was coming somehow eventually, but I've been ignoring it for so long, pretending that it didn't exist, that I guess I kind of convinced myself that there wasn't a problem. So. That's probably the next doc on the list. I do want to get it - whatever 'it' is - out of the way. But I'm wary of what that may be. And I don't know if I can handle another slew/round of doctors. Most especially in the middle of school. But I suppose I can't really control that can I?

All in all, I'm a bit down. I'm scared of doing school, or rather at not being able to do school. I'm scared and angry with my body for falling apart. And I hate not being able to do anything about it. I'm sick of health stuff (yet I decided to go to school for it....?), I'm sick of not knowing what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I'm a bit of a grump. And I'm sorry.

Your monthly notice

Well here we are in August. Maybe I should just aim for one post a month; I seem to do pretty decently at that. I am home, back in the house that I grew up in. It wasn't the original plan (do things ever go according to the original plan?) but here I am and I'm not sure when/if that will change for the next couple of years. I feel useless, pointless, blah - which is a bad place for me to be. I got home from Colorado on August 2nd and have been just that since - home. I start school (yes, again) on Monday. I am nervous, excited, exhausted at just the thought of it. I am being a horrible sister, but I can't find the willpower or patience to change that. I hoped to come home to a sister, but found that she isn't really here anymore. I don't know how to find her. I don't know if I have the energy to try. I miss my friends already; I think it's going to be harder on me than I thought, them being there and me being here. All of us continually moving in different directions. When JQ left Colorado, it hit me that that was the last time that we would live together. Probably ever but at the very least for the next 3+ years. Thinking about that makes me feel sick. It's a cruel thing, this making friends and saying goodbye. This is quite the depressing entry isn't it? Meh, I blame it on late nights and friends leaving and arguing with the people I love. On the random update note - I'm currently living in Justin's old room and it is a complete disaster. I don't think I used to be this much of a slob, but it seems as though I've become quite good at it. Funny - I accidentally typed snob instead of slob. Who knows, maybe that is true too. I hope not though. What else? Justin's house is really nice (although kind of messy because he still hasn't truly unpacked). There isn't an extra room yet because of a paint hold up, but maybe someday I'll have a temporary home there. That'd be good for sanity I think. He does have a pool though, which I consider to be free game :) I'm still plagued by this horrible homesick feeling - and I have no idea what it is that I'm sick for. It comes and goes as it pleases, sometimes taking me by such surprise and force that I just stop and close my eyes. What am I missing? I'm almost afraid that it is the ideas, the beliefs, the love that I have given up. Why am I afraid? I'm not sure that I want them back. Or that I want the baggage that comes with them. Hm. For now though I'm going to have to leave you on this confusing and rather depressing note, because I am tired. And a certain 7 year old demands that I get up at 6am tomorrow.

Updates!

As always, I feel as though I must begin this with an apology. Sorry it's been so long since I've written. But once a month isn't too bad, is it? I'm still at Waunita - that wasn't the original plan, but I'm okay with the decision. I'll probably stay here for a while more, though I'm still unsure as to how long. Tammy (my boss) said that she could use me, and would like for me to if it's what I want to do, through the end of July. It'd be nice to keep working and have more money saved up, but in a strange sort of way I think I'm a bit homesick. It's weird, I don't get homesick really. And I'm not really sure what it is that I'm missing, or where it is that I'm wanting to be. It makes me think of one of my favorite books, The Blue Sword. Here's some of it: "She had not wept herself to sleep since her first night in the king's tent and she thought, carefully, rationally, that it was hard to say exactly what she was homesick for...That sickness of dislocation came to her most often when she was most at ease in the strange adventure she was living. She might be staring at the line of Hills before them, closer every day, watching how sharply the edges of them struck into the sky...and suddenly she would be gasping with the thing she called homesickness." A bit random, but it's a close comparison to how I've been feeling as of late.

I've been well. Happy. I traded days off with Ashley so that I could go fishing today (today was hers and tomorrow was mine, but we switched). It was Eric, two guests Ron and Kip, and Dani and Brianne - another guest who is awesome, she hung out with us a lot last year. Downside to the day was that we had to be in the lodge at 5:30am. Ugh. I've been breakfast server this week so I haven't been getting much sleep as is. But we made it - Dani stayed here so we would both wake up. I caught one rainbow trout and together we caught 13 fish. We didn't get back to the ranch until about 4pm - I slept like a rock in the excursion on the way home. I daresay I'll go to bed pretty early tonight. Or at least that I should :)

JC and Jen have been emailing me and while it's great to hear from them, it makes me a bit sad. Did I make the right decision? I sure hope so. Then again, I'm not a believer in right and wrong decisions. While some choices obviously have a right and wrong answer, I believe that most just have answers. What you do is what you do, and
either direction will lead you somewhere. I chose to stay here and I am happy with that. I am still living, still moving forward, still me. And while I may continue to wonder what I have missed, I know that I will have plenty of amazing memories from whatever my summer brings me.

Stacie's dating some guy pretty seriously. It terrifies me. If they are engaged before I meet him - or for that matter, anytime this year - I think I will have a hard time forgiving her/accepting it. That's not fair of me, I know, but I am uber protective of her - of all of my family - and I do not want to see her hurt.

Justin bought a house and is in the process of moving in. I wish I was there for it. I missed Stacie moving in to her apartment as well, and I didn't like it. I feel like I miss out on so much when I'm not at home, but I think I would have the same feeling no matter where I was. That's part of having your friends spread out all over the place, part of living life. I hope to move in with him when I get home, but that is up to him.

I start nursing school in August. Scary, exciting, nerve wracking. A little of everything. If everything goes as planned though, I will be in school this fall, spring, summer, and fall and then graduate (for the second time :) in December 2011. Whew. That's hard for me to think about. But like I said, a bit exciting. I'm hoping to move closer to the school after a little while - it'll be an hour commute. We'll see how that goes.

Well this has been a bit rambly, but it's a little bit about most of the things I've been thinking about. Hopefully I'll be better at this - but that's always the hope :). I'll put some pictures on here for you.

This is Dani and I doing goofy faces before the movie - Eclipse! We had a girls night out on Saturday and got all dressed up and went to Crested Butte, about an hour and a half away. Being the silly people we are though, we forgot to take any real pictures of us.


These are some of the fireworks from the fourth of July - pretty much all of the staff and a couple of guests went into town to watch them.


This is what the lake that we fished on today was surrounded by. Talk about gorgeous, mountains and sky every direction you looked.


And this is Brianne, Dani, and I on the boat today. We should've taken pictures of the fish too, but we forgot. Gives us more room to exaggerate :)

Colorado...round 2

So I've been meaning to write in here for a while, but we all know how that goes. I'm back on the ranch, Waunita Hot Springs, where I worked last summer. This summer I'm only here until the end of June though, about half of the summer. I've been here since May 16th, almost three weeks, and it feels as though it has flown. I mean, it's been hard work - we've been spring cleaning (ugh...) - so the days seem long, but trying to think back to my first full day here (which happened to be my birthday, I'm 22!) seems nuts. It feels like it was a long time ago, but at the same time, not. You know? But anyway. Jenifer is here too, for half of the summer as well. There are two other housegirls - Mary and Ashley, two girl wranglers - Sara Jo and Ginny, Kolby is a wrangler, Jared is going to be a wrangler as well but he won't get here until tomorrow, Casey is a maintenance guy and there's another maintenance guy who just comes during the day, Tanner, and then Amber is coming to be the kid counselor again but she won't get here until next week. That's us! It's a good group, and I'm really glad to be here again. We're pretty much done with spring cleaning, thank goodness, and tomorrow we get to ride to Canyon Creek, one of my favorite rides. It'll be even more fun I think since it's just the staff. Our first guests come on Sunday, I think it's a week of about twenty some. Then another week of twenty some, then the third week has 42 I think - that's a big'un. Alright, that'll have to do for an update for now, I need some sleep. Let's see if I can find a picture for you...

This is from the day that Jenifer and I went hiking at a trail in Lake City - about 3.5 miles up a mountain. Oof. My body pooped out on my just before the end of it. Beautiful views though.



From left to right: Mary, Jenifer, and I. We were trying to capture the dirt on us and our attitudes toward it after a long day of cleaning the kitchen.

Conquering

Seven days from right now I will be a college graduate. Whoa. Don't know what I think about that. Everyone around me seems to think that that is some sort of big deal and I suppose to an extent I do as well, but not that much. To me I guess it was just something that would happen. Another page another chapter sort of thing. But it's almost over. I think that I have filled it with plenty of adventures. Some heartaches. Lots of learning, lots of growth, immeasurable change. What do we expect of the heroine when she comes to the end of the chapter? Should she step forward bravely? Have won the battle? I'm not sure. I do know that I have gained plenty of things that I will never forget and I'm not sure if those are the classes that I paid for. And will still be paying for for several years to come. I am surrounded by friends who love me more than I know and whom I love more than they can know. Right now they are in front of me but after next week we will be spread throughout this country and several others. I will not forget them, what we have shared, what they have taught me, or all the things we will continue to share. I'm not that sad about leaving. Perhaps it's because I've already done it once and I know it can be done, that though others will take pieces of me with them, and pieces will be left here, I will still be whole. That's something that I've struggled with, something that I didn't believe in. That when you share pieces of yourself with others, open your heart to them, they take it from you and you lose it. But that's not true. You can share things with others, give them pieces of your heart, the whole thing, and you yourself can still remain whole. Not even just whole, but sometimes even grow larger, fuller.

Thoughts

com·mit·ment
   /kəˈmɪtmənt/ Show Spelled[kuh-mit-muhnt] Show IPA
–noun
1. the act of committing.
2. the state of being committed.
3. the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.
4. a pledge or promise; obligation: We have made a commitment to pay our bills on time.
5. engagement; involvement: They have a sincere commitment to religion.
6. perpetration or commission, as of a crime.
7. consignment, as to prison.
8. confinement to a mental institution or hospital: The psychiatrist recommended commitment.
9. an order, as by a court or judge, confining a person to a mental institution or hospital.
10. Law. a written order of a court directing that someone be confined in prison; mittimus.
11. Parliamentary Procedure. the act of referring or entrusting to a committee for consideration.
12. Stock Exchange.
a. an agreement to buy or sell securities.
b. a sale or purchase of securities.

What does it mean to be committed to something? When do we cross a line where we owe someone or something a piece of ourselves? I do not understand this concept, probably never have, and doubt that I ever will. Why do so many people fear commitment? Fear being vulnerable and open and tying themselves to one another or to an idea, an ideal? Sorry, these are just random ramblings.

Ketchup, Catsup, or....Catchup

I realized recently that I have not written in this hardly at all lately - shame. So here we go, random ramblings of what's been going on lately. A few nights ago I was doing what is, in my mind at least, a typical college student task - late night laundry. I hauled all my stuff down to the laundry room - I live in 'privileged housing' which means, among other things, that we have 2 washers and dryers on each floor of our dorms. Kind of nice. Anyway, so I'm doing my laundry late at night, scrounging for quarters, etc, going through the motions of what has become such a norm for me over the past four years and suddenly it hits me - this is probably the last time that this will ever happen. Whoa. It was weird. I literally stopped and stood still thinking about that for a minute. I mean I keep saying that I don't think the whole graduation thing has really hit me yet and in some ways I still don't think that it has, but since that moment doing laundry I've been having lots of 'this is probably the last time I'll ever....' moments. Well, there's more to this than this, but it'll have to stop here because it's now 3:30 am - distracted by much more important things - and I'm sleepy.